So much to say, and not the words to say it.

[oceantheorem]

I've had a lot to update about lately, but it seems like all my thoughts should be friendslocked these days, so I've been typing up entries and saving them on my computer instead of posting. Not sure what to say here.

Swinging back into loneliness. I've got so many friends, so many amazing awesome friends, but I dunno. I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy the other day and the theme was sort of, "If I disappeared, would anyone miss me?" and I know that people would miss me; a lot of people would miss me. But not... not in the way that the show meant. It keeps coming back to him. I had a dream about him before I watched the Grey's episode, just a calm dream about his chin stubble and the way it used to scratch my face, kind of in a sweet way. Then I had another dream last night that we went for Round 3 and it worked out. Third time's a charm? Ann says he's doing well, with his girlfriend too, and still double-majoring and taking an extra quarter, and thinking about going to grad school in the future. In some ways I'm so, so happy for him, so glad that he's doing well. And in some ways I wish I was the one supporting him, being there for him, looking after him. It's not such a sharp, hard pain anymore. Now it's just sort of a constant dull ache. Maybe he was the one, the ache says, and maybe it's irrevocably messed up now. Sometimes I just want him back SO BADLY!

I've been knitting a bit, and finally finished the scarf for Shannon. I want to make a few things for myself now; a shawl of some sort (but I only have three skeins), and a blue and white Yale scarf. Still deciding how I'd want to do the Yale scarf. I kind of want it to say Yale on it, but on the other hand I have this pattern for a DNA scarf and I could just combine the two things and make a Yale DNA scarf. In that case, though, would it be too nerdy to make the cables in a different color so the helix stands out? Like, a blue helix on a white background? Would I be ashamed of my nerddom and incapable of wearing that scarf? Maybe I should learn Fair Isle so I can just knit YALE into the scarf and forget about the DNA bits.

You know, I always sort of thought that if I ever got a tattoo, it would be of a DNA strand that wrapped all the way around my body. I know exactly how it would wrap, too, and exactly what it would look like and what colors it would be.

I'm gonna go read some papers. Or maybe surf the internet looking for a shawl pattern.

Comments

[crazypumpkin.livejournal.com]

I say go for the DNA scarf. I'd wear something like that!

Are you open to feedback on the rest of your post?

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Now I just have to learn how to change colors and cable! It's gonna be so ridiculously awesomely nerdy.

Yes, of course! I'm always open to feedback, even if it's, "You're being stupid. Snap out of it."

[crazypumpkin.livejournal.com]

Third time in relationships is very rarely the charm. There's a reason you didn't work the first two times. I know this from experience. In two different relationships. I still wonder if I fucked up some really good relationships. But then I realize, if they were that good, they wouldn't have ended, or rather, they would have stayed around in some manner, but they didn't. It takes time. Sometimes a really long time, but we move on. Something I read recently had the idea of looking back, not staring back. I'm guilty of staring back, and it isn't good for me. It makes me miss whats right in front of me in the now. I can't change the past, but I can make a better future for myself.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

That's a very good point. There were definitely reasons behind our breakup. For some reason it seems like I have to remind myself of them every couple of weeks, like I can't remember them if I'm not actively trying.
I've been much better this semester about looking forward and not staring backwards. I guess there's still room for improvement. Maybe I'm looking forwards but still have my hand outstretched behind me as if I'm expecting someone to reach up and grab it. *sigh*
Thanks for the advice. I feel a little more sane now.

[crazypumpkin.livejournal.com]

Two more things come to mind:
Progress, not perfection.
And in yoga, one of the warrior poses (one maybe?), you stand with one arm stretching back, and the other stretching foward, but the pose is done properly when you reach equally forward and backwards. My yoga teacher is always saying we don't have to forget the past, but we can't live there, same with the future.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's all awesome and insightful and stuff.
*chants* I'm doing well, I'm doing well, I'm doing well....

[tryptonique.livejournal.com]

1) That DNA tattoo is really a fantastic idea. I can't really convey in proper terms just how vividly that image struck me. I think I have thought about tattoo ideas before myself. If I ever think of anything that is actually meaningful to me, perhaps I might consider it.

2) On the relationship stuff:
Like you said to me, I hope someday even that dull ache fades away. For me personally, I hope that I can just bury that ache away somewhere and never return to that place again. Kind of like just setting a fire, letting it burn, and movin' on. I hope someday all that is left is just a burnt out shell of a memory with no feeling attached. Perhaps a good image would be a cemetary out in the wilderness with all of the roads leading to it destroyed...making it completely inaccessible.
Perhaps that sounds a little harsh or repressive...but sometimes I hope for that.

3) As for the scarf? What a geek! :)
It works though. If you do it, take a pic and post it.

4) I'm in this class called Gender and Science. While you are actually reading scientific papers, I will be reading about women reading scientific papers. ;)

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

1. The tattoo idea is actually really well fleshed out in my mind. I've been thinking about it for almost two years now, and maybe someday when I'm ancient and famous I'll do it. It incorporates the two halves of me--the geeky half that adores DNA, and the spiritual flakey half of me that believes people actually have auras. I'd have to draw it for you, or use my hands in speech, for you to actually understand how both those ideas are meshed in the tattoo, but just believe me when I say it's frickin awesome. Also, it would cover a lot of skin and would be excruciating to get, and impossible to hide.

2. I understand how you want the feeling to go away completely. I sort of agree and sort of don't... On the one hand, maybe it would be better if he faded away completely. On the other hand, we meant a lot to each other, and our breakup wasn't based on someone cheating; it was just a parting of views. Sort of. That was my fault.
I have some song lyrics for you. I wonder if I can post them in a comment...

3. That scarf is gonna kick ass. If I had a camera, I would love to post pictures.
It will probably take me months to finish it. Don't hold your breath. I started the shawl tonight, so once I finish THAT, I'll start on a scarf for another friend or a thing for Ann or my mom, and THEN once I've finished those I'll make the DNA scarf. Probably about just in time for next winter.

4. Hehehe, tell me all about what my gender is supposed to do in science. There are a LOT of people in science who are really, REALLY, I mean REALLY concerned about women in science and how we're super underrepresented past graduate school. I've read a couple articles on women in science, and everyone seems to just be freaking out about it. Maybe you can clue me in.

Death Cab for Cutie--Someday You Will Be Loved (bold emphasis mine)

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

I once knew a girl
In the years of my youth
With eyes like the summer
All beauty and truth
In the morning I fled
Left a note and it read
Someday you will be loved.

I cannot pretend that I felt any regret
Cause each broken heart will eventually mend
As the blood runs red down the needle and thread
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved

You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved
Someday you will be loved

Re: Death Cab for Cutie--Someday You Will Be Loved (bold emphasis mine)

[tryptonique.livejournal.com]

Excellent lyrics. I MUST hear that song. I will definitely look it up on YouTube or something (where I can stream it) in the next couple of days.
It is funny that you posted something music related because I was totally debating whether or not to send you a song or not (the one on my Myspace page). It is a little screamo in parts...but I really like the song and lyrics. I decided against it though and then you posted lyrics. So now I'm mentioning it.

As always, it is good talking to you. You and my buddy Andre both really come through in your writing. I really get good visual images and mental audio of you guys speaking when I read what you write. I know that comment might seem random as all heck, but I just was noting that fact because it is so enjoyable in both of you.
Anyway...

I will converse with you more on the LJ later (in response to your other reply on this entry).

Adios,
-E

Re: Death Cab for Cutie--Someday You Will Be Loved (bold emphasis mine)

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Death Cab is awesome. And totally emo, yeah. But like I said, if you and I can't be emo, then no one can.

I can send you some Death Cab if you want.
I debated posting some Snow Patrol lyrics, but decided they weren't quite relevant, so I held back. Maybe some other time....

It's always good to talk to you, too. I feel like you point out the "you're being an idiot" moments in my life, without being condescending. I need that, I love that. Thanks.

Re: Death Cab for Cutie--Someday You Will Be Loved (bold emphasis mine)

[tryptonique.livejournal.com]

:)

That last line made me chuckle. Hopefully you also see that I think you have some pretty big "you're being brilliant/witty/funny/[insert more positive adjectives here]" moments as well.
I'm glad I don't come off condescending with you. I know there have been times where I have been overly critical of people in my life or judgmental due to my own frustration at my inability to solve their problems magically by dialogue or suggestion. I had to step back and realize that my friends are really the extended crazy family I never had. They are what they are and you either are supportive of their individuality and their right to live their own life or you aren't. When I thought about it like that, I chillaxed and toned things down a bit with certain people.
I'm glad that you recognize and appreciate what I do bring to the table. :)

Anyway..please do send a song (or songs) by Death Cab. I would love to hear the song that possesses those lyrics you posted.

I still will reply to your other comment..I swear! Most likely that will occur later tonight when I'm killing time in my Gender and Science class.

-E

Re: Death Cab for Cutie

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

*laugh* Oh yes, of course I also appreciate the "you're being brilliant/witty/funny" moments. But I KNOW I'm those things. :-P
No seriously, it's much harder to find someone who can help you see what you're doing wrong, and to do it without making you feel like you're worthless. I love that you point out my good qualities, but I also love that you point out my bad ones. Those "Get over it!" comments are sometimes really helpful.

I definitely agree that friends are really your extended family. The awesome thing is that, while you have no control over who is in your family, you get to choose each and every one of your friends. I don't know most of your friends, but based on our overlap (Megan!) I think you have pretty good taste. :-P It's good that you recognize their value, even when they're not perfect. Hopefully I do that, too.

Anyway.
Email coming your way with some Death Cab.

[tryptonique.livejournal.com]

Ps...damn I sounded emo on point 2. He he. Anyway...

:-p

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Damn, if you and I can't be emo, then no one can.

[fieryminge.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything that the other commenters have said. And since I suck at boy advice, just pretend I said all that they said too. Just to drill it in.

I love the idea of that tattoo. I so want a tattoo! It doesn't help that some of my mommy friends have them... it makes me want to just plunge in and get one already lol.

Speaking of knitting... I have found the perfect pattern to knit for you. And I'm not telling *pffttb* All you need to know is that it is so you, you'll be able to cuddle it or display it, and it's totally geeky.

Okay, okay, if you really want to know, I'll tell you. Otherwise you have to wait :P

Oh, and I think maybe if you worked a subtle DNA border around a scarf (or maybe just on the ends) you'd be able to get away with the geekiness.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Oooh, knitting goodness for me?? I do kind of want to know what it is, but I actually have a guess based on what you said. :-P Is it from knitty?

I dunno if a DNA border would be possible. But I will definitely look into that now....
Part of me wants it to just be flamboyantly geeky all over. "Screw 'em," it should shout, "I'm a frickin DNA scarf!"

What would you get if you got a tattoo?

[fieryminge.livejournal.com]

Oooh... I know what you're talking about from knitty, but that's not what I had in mind lol. I guess I have two geeky things to knit for you ;) :P

I want stars of some sort. At first I wanted it to be all symbolic and "get a star for each major accomplishment in my life in the shape of something" Then I picked the shape of the Gemini constellation, and there's 18 freakin' stars in that constellation! And I don't know if I'll do 18 major accomplishments before I get too old to have a tattoo (wrinkles and tattoos=bad). So now I'm down to just the Gemini constellation with little stars instead of dots. I don't know... definitely some stars though. And I either want it on my wrist or on my ankle/foot.

Yay for flamboyant geekiness!!!

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

OOoh, it's not the knitty womb? That thing is awesome; I've considered making one for myself.
Now I'm intrigued!!

Dude, that tattoo sounds awesome. Are there "main" stars in the constellation? Maybe you could just get those as the big important stars and then have the others be tiny, and then you wouldn't have to have 18 major accomplishments (geez, counting graduations, I've got, like, 3). What's your criteria for "major accomplishment"?

I went to the yarn store AGAIN today and the lady talked me into getting size 15 metal circular needles. *sigh* Dunno how I feel about the metal or the size, but I needed the circs. I kinda wanted bamboo 12s. Oh well. We'll see how they knit. If I don't like them maybe I'll take them back.
I got five balls of alpaca silk in a salmon color, and I'm going to make a shawl! I think I'm going to make this one:
http://www.dailyknitter.com/sophia.html
although I really think the 15s are too big for it. We'll see. :-P
I'm spending my whole stipend on knitting! Augh!

[fieryminge.livejournal.com]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v357/fierynymph/geminitattoo.png

Yea, I think I've got graduation, getting married, having a kid... And that's pretty much it lol. But I still think it's pretty. It's about the size of a post-it note :)

And that shawl is gorgeous! I think the 15s will make it more holey. Although you could always swatch it up and see if you like it ;)

I wish I had more money to spend on knitting! I want to make Fetching from knitty, but I don't have the DPNs. I have the yarn... It is soooo pretty!
http://community.livejournal.com/knitswap/281526.html?view=1579190#t1579190
It's the Debbie Bliss in the first pic... and it's just a touch lighter in color in real life... Very plummy/eggplanty.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Oooh, I love Debbie Bliss. That's what the alpaca silk I'm using is.
I don't really have money to spend on knitting--it's totally cutting into my food budget, and I have all this credit card debt from last summer still clinging to me, plus they don't automatically take money out of our stipend for taxes and I have like, zilch in savings--but Yale gives us a lot of free food, so I'm not starving yet. At least knitting keeps me happy. And sane.

Mostly.

The tattoo is awesome. It's not too big or crazy and would be really pretty! I love the idea and sentiment behind it, too.
I don't know if I'll ever get mine. If I do, it will probably be after I have kids (if I ever have kids), because it's supposed to go over part of my stomach and I don't want it to stretch out. Also, I figured that if I got it AFTER I get wrinkles, then maybe I can move the tattoo AROUND the wrinkles. Or something. Anyway, it would completely change the surface of my body, so it's unlikely that I'll ever actually do it, but I really want to.

I kind of want the shawl to be a little holey, and sort of loose. I want those five balls to go a long way, too, and I really don't need the shawl to be all that warm, since I'll mostly be wearing it around the house. So maybe the 15s will do the trick. But I dunno if the pattern holes combined with the looseness of the large needle effect would still look okay. I might just leave out the k2tog/yos in the pattern. SWATCHES!!!