Passion

Last night I had this really awful dream. I was driving an SUV (like, a GMC Jimmy. a red one.) and I had Jim, Kayla, and Clark with me. It was late at night and I was driving down a straight road, and I fell asleep. I swerved off the road and Jim verrrrry slowly reacted and tried to grab the steering wheel to correct, but we ended up rolling. Everyone was fine, but we were all strewn across this weird field and everyone was mad at me.

I realized that the problem with journaling these days is that I do it in bits and pieces all over the internet. I don't write anymore because I've already written all the things I have to say. Mostly I have Ravelry, where I can communicate more easily with knitting friends than I can through a blogging interface. And more recently I have Google+, which I can use to post all the things that make me go "Huh, that's interesting", and then I can have a discussion with people easily in the comments.

It does mean I'm doing less introspective writing. Like this post. And I don't write down my dreams anymore, which is sad. So, I don't know what the solution is. Telling myself I'm going to write in my journal every day never works, and if it did work I'd just produce a series of short, shallow paragraphs telling you what new weird dream I had last night and that it's raining again, and I'm not sure that's compelling writing for either your sake or mine.

Oh well. LJ just renewed my paid account for another year, so it's not like I'm thinking of leaving. This journal does still serve a purpose, even if I only use it once a month, and even if only half of those entries end up being visible to my friendslist.

In other news, I should really update my journal icons. I don't think I've changed any of them since like, early grad school.

 I dub this The Week of Bad Dreams.

I had a dream last night about being held captive by a malicious stalker. YUCK.  It seems a friend of mine also had a weird bad dream last night, Ursula Vernon had a weird dream about plants, and several people from Rav have said they've had weird/bad dreams in the last couple of days.  What's going on, universe?

My brilliant idea to wear myself out yesterday by not taking a nap failed horribly. I went to bed at 11:30 and woke up at 4 am. Luckily, after about 15 minutes I was able to get myself to go back to sleep, but then I had the WORST NIGHTMARE EVER. Okay, it wasn't the worst one ever, but it was pretty bad. I don't usually dream about people trying to murder me. And, predictably, into this nightmare my brain worked in something that is always in my nightmares: a complete inability to scream. I'm in dire need of help, I get the merest window of an opportunity to escape danger, I open my mouth to scream for help... and nothing comes out. At all. And then I'm back in danger and have no hope of being rescued.

Anyway...

Yesterday I made a dice bag for D&D. It's big enough to hold my special set of dice, plus Jaden, plus the metric shit-ton of d6s I plan to eventually get. And yet, it's very tiny! It's a miraculous Bag of Dice Holding. Level 3 Magic Item, carries up to 10 lbs but never weighs more than 6 oz.
Since I knit the whole thing (on size 2 dpns, thankyouverymuch) in one day, I think I'm going to knit a few more (on size 4 circs...? I need a bigger collection of dpns, apparently) for friends.

I also started a dishcloth yesterday, but I'm using needles two sizes too big, so it's kind of... towel-sized.... I think I need more needles in general... Okay, maybe I just need to finish a project once in a while, so I don't have to buy a new set of needles every time I cast on for something.

Speaking of which, the wedding blanket is coming along splendidly. I've seamed almost half the seams I need to seam. And I figured out how to do the border, mostly, so it should only take a few tries of picking up stitches, knitting for a day, ripping it all out, screaming, and starting over before it's finished. Hurrah! The end is in sight!
As I noted in the project comment on Ravelry for this blanket: I love the yarn. I love the pattern. I love my cousin. I HATE SEAMING. I will never, ever, ever, EVER knit a blanket in pieces EVER again. This is a good thing to know about oneself.

Anyway. More cleaning, then off to see the boy! Perhaps I will finish his hat sometime this century. I might actually be able to even though one of the needles broke... We will see!

Last night I had a dream about Clark. This is weird, because I have only had dreams with Clark in them on a few occasions, and I can't even remember those dreams clearly. I'm beginning to think that Clark signifies my conscience or my "voice of reason" in my dreams, because basically the only thing I remember about the dream from last night/this morning is that he was asking me, in a manner not unlike the one in which Jess questions Rory, whether or not I really wanted to be leaving school. "Are you really sure?" he asked. In that tone of voice that suggests that of course I'm not really sure, because it's a terrible idea and he's going to say I told you so in five years.
Actually, I also remember thinking, "I'm so glad you contacted me," (and in the dream I remember it was over AIM, and the chat window was all familiar and it was kind of comforting) and wondering if I had been too hard on him when we stopped talking, and if part of my anger with him wasn't really anger at myself and general frustration at my current life situation. I don't think he deserved all the wrath I heaped upon him, although he certainly deserved part of it.

The weird thing about making lots of friendslocked entries is that, after a while, it gets to be nerve-wracking to make unlocked posts. It induces paranoia.

I went climbing tonight and there was great music and I had good new climbing pants and of course the company is always excellent, and I felt like, "hey, this is santa-cruz-y and I'm okay here. I should climb more often." But something niggled in the back of my brain, saying, "This is not what you're missing, this is not why you're unhappy; more time spent climbing is not going to make it all better. This is not your solution." And I thought, "Yes, you're right." But it's interesting how I can have good moments--I had a great weekend too, with Aaron and with some of his friends and a few great rounds of a card game called Munchkin--and be generally okay and still be absolutely miserable. I really am absolutely miserable. And it's really just getting worse, despite everything I'm doing to try to force myself to dig in and put down roots and adjust, damnit (I just got a cat, for crying out loud, and the small furry thing, while I adore her, is not making everything better--I mean, not that I expected her to, but this sort of indicates that it's not an easily fixable thing, you know?).

Anyway, point is--subconscious, or Clark: I am unhappy and I don't know how to fight it without leaving. Fighting it here is not working. I think the unhappiness is inherent in the graduate school at Yale part. It's the being young part. It's the... it's all that. I don't know.

I'm very young and very miserable and very confused. But at least I have new climbing pants.

Oh, what a terrible week.
Thursday night I stayed up late working on the fake grant/term paper, and around 2 am I collapsed into bed, hyped up on caffeine but way too exhausted to write anything coherent.
At about 3 am, my eyes opened and I saw my room, and I "saw" someone come into the room to attack me. I distantly knew that I was asleep, and tried to get up so I could defend myself, but I couldn't move. I somehow flung myself out of bed, but couldn't get any sort of finer movement control, so I stumbled/fell in various directions, trying to get hold of something I could use to defend myself, but really not being able to move at all. I realized in the back of my mind that I had to wake up, so I started yelling at myself to wake up, except I couldn't speak either, so it came out as more of a croaked, "Kaaarrra! Kaarrrra!" Somehow I fell back into the bed and couldn't get up again, and the guy was going to hurt me, and I jerked awake, and the creepy thing is that I'm pretty sure my eyes had already been open, because I was looking at the exact same scene in my bedroom, just minus an attacker. I mean, lighting, angles, position of stuff on floor, all exactly the same. It was sooo scary. I jumped out of bed, turned on all the lights, and called Evan, who talked me down and gave me some good suggestions for how to recover. After we got off the phone, I curled up in front of the computer (all the lights in the apartment still on), and watched two episodes of Lost (okay, I see the irony in watching Lost to calm yourself down...). I think I got back to sleep around 5 or 5:30...

I woke up after about four hours and sort of got back to work. I finished the grant around 1, and went into lab around 2 to feed my cells. After that, I stopped by the Baserga lab to say hello, and to let them know I was okay, because I'd been in the day before twice and had not been in good shape. I hung out with them for an hour or so and then went to the dog park with Kat when her girlfriend picked her up with their dogs. Then all three of us went to Emily H's going-away party (she's transferring to Dartmouth). And after THAT I went waltzing with a couple other classmates. It was a crazy night, but lots of fun, and it felt great to not be writing that stupid grant.

Yesterday morning I woke up to go shopping with Nolan (Kat's girlfriend). We went to Target, and I got a navy blue linen skirt, a creamsicle-colored linen shirt, and a pair of jeans. Then I came home and went out again, to see TMNT with another friend. It was a really good movie, surprisingly, especially considering I barely remember watching the TV show when I was little. I think I was too young for it.
Yesterday evening there was a triple birthday gathering at Sullivan's, the Irish pub downtown that I adore, so Emily and I went to that and got wonderfully drunk. Then Kat and Nolan picked us up and took us to a lesbian bar in Hartford, so we could dance to decent music and meet some of their friends. Emily and I pretended to be together whenever anyone we didn't know looked at us, and danced, and drank, and had a wonderful time. For me, it was like being back inside spring quarter last year, dancing at the Dakota with the gay boys and loving life. It was a strange blend of past and present, and made me feel a little happier about Connecticut.

Actually, many things lately have made me a little happier about Connecticut. I noticed myself thinking, "I love New Haven" the other day, and while I don't think it's necessarily true (although, I could love just about ANYthing), I think it's a good sign that my hatred of New Haven is wearing off, and I'm not resisting the change as much anymore. I'm giving in! I'm adjusting! Yay!

It's raining terribly today, which is actually acceptable, because it's clearly a spring storm, and I'm inside all warm and happy. I bought a book yesterday, Neil Gaiman's Stardust, and have spent most of the afternoon reading it in bed, all huddled up and enjoying being in a fantasy world again. One thing I don't like about grad school is the relative lack of time in which I can read fiction without feeling guilty; so many of my reading hours are spent reading scientific articles and learning wonderful things about how cells work, which is wonderful, but into every life some imagination must fall. Today has been a good day. It's been a good weekend in general, and I feel six orders of magnitude better than I did 72 hours ago.

Also, I may have developed a new crush. I suppose I shouldn't say too much more, for fear of jinxing it, but if things continue the way they are going, perhaps soon I will be able to say that my crush has amounted to something real. In the meantime, I'm getting sort of girlishly giddy about the whole thing.

Also also, I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding in July!!! I have to say that this is the most excited I've been in a long time. I'm gonna be a bridesmaid! And wear a pretty dress and be in my favorite cousin's wedding! I'm ecstatic!
Also, I am going to knit her something red and lovely and wonderful for her wedding gift, although I have no idea yet what form that something will take.

And now, I'm off to Emily's to watch Firefly and knit, and then to another friend's house to watch Angel.

I've had a lot to update about lately, but it seems like all my thoughts should be friendslocked these days, so I've been typing up entries and saving them on my computer instead of posting. Not sure what to say here.

Swinging back into loneliness. I've got so many friends, so many amazing awesome friends, but I dunno. I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy the other day and the theme was sort of, "If I disappeared, would anyone miss me?" and I know that people would miss me; a lot of people would miss me. But not... not in the way that the show meant. It keeps coming back to him. I had a dream about him before I watched the Grey's episode, just a calm dream about his chin stubble and the way it used to scratch my face, kind of in a sweet way. Then I had another dream last night that we went for Round 3 and it worked out. Third time's a charm? Ann says he's doing well, with his girlfriend too, and still double-majoring and taking an extra quarter, and thinking about going to grad school in the future. In some ways I'm so, so happy for him, so glad that he's doing well. And in some ways I wish I was the one supporting him, being there for him, looking after him. It's not such a sharp, hard pain anymore. Now it's just sort of a constant dull ache. Maybe he was the one, the ache says, and maybe it's irrevocably messed up now. Sometimes I just want him back SO BADLY!

I've been knitting a bit, and finally finished the scarf for Shannon. I want to make a few things for myself now; a shawl of some sort (but I only have three skeins), and a blue and white Yale scarf. Still deciding how I'd want to do the Yale scarf. I kind of want it to say Yale on it, but on the other hand I have this pattern for a DNA scarf and I could just combine the two things and make a Yale DNA scarf. In that case, though, would it be too nerdy to make the cables in a different color so the helix stands out? Like, a blue helix on a white background? Would I be ashamed of my nerddom and incapable of wearing that scarf? Maybe I should learn Fair Isle so I can just knit YALE into the scarf and forget about the DNA bits.

You know, I always sort of thought that if I ever got a tattoo, it would be of a DNA strand that wrapped all the way around my body. I know exactly how it would wrap, too, and exactly what it would look like and what colors it would be.

I'm gonna go read some papers. Or maybe surf the internet looking for a shawl pattern.

This morning was weird. I woke up and had no idea where I was.

I have a meeting with my PIs today; it starts at the same time my class ends. I had a dream last night wherein I realized I couldn't just leave class early, because OH NO today we're going to a play downtown and I'll never get back in time! Upon waking up and having no idea where I was, my mind cleverly reminded me that my class is a graduate molecular biology class and therefore does not take field trips to plays, and that it would be meeting on science hill as usual. At some point I figured out where I was and got up. And promptly smacked into the doorway.

It's gonna be a good day, I can tell.

I guess my attempt at dreaming of sunny things paid off. Last night I went to read in bed around 9:30. I woke up at midnight and again at 7, at which point I realized I was still wearing my clothes and my contacts, and there were books and papers littered around me in the bed. So I pushed them all to one side, rolled over, and went back to sleep. And between then and 10, when I finally woke up and crawled blearily out of bed, I had the most beautiful dream.

( Cut for a bit of graphic sexuality and a bit of nostalgia and just generally more than you want to know about the inner workings of my subconscious )

Sorry about the cryptic entry earlier. I wasn't quite sure how to describe the events of last night. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about the events of last night.

( Cut for length )

( Really, really messed up dream )

Earthquake! I was standing in the middle of my room, holding a glass of water, at about 5:27 am, and things started to clink. I knew I wasn't shaking, 'cause I wasn't touching anything and I was too tired to shake, and besides, I could hear things outside shaking too. So it wasn't just the wine bottles. I decided to turn on the computer and look it up, because I haven't felt an earthquake in a good long while (more than a year). Lo and behold, a 4.7 near San Martin at 5:27 am. Did you feel it? Make a report! Here or here or here.