So much to say, and not the words to say it.

[oceantheorem]

I've had a lot to update about lately, but it seems like all my thoughts should be friendslocked these days, so I've been typing up entries and saving them on my computer instead of posting. Not sure what to say here.

Swinging back into loneliness. I've got so many friends, so many amazing awesome friends, but I dunno. I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy the other day and the theme was sort of, "If I disappeared, would anyone miss me?" and I know that people would miss me; a lot of people would miss me. But not... not in the way that the show meant. It keeps coming back to him. I had a dream about him before I watched the Grey's episode, just a calm dream about his chin stubble and the way it used to scratch my face, kind of in a sweet way. Then I had another dream last night that we went for Round 3 and it worked out. Third time's a charm? Ann says he's doing well, with his girlfriend too, and still double-majoring and taking an extra quarter, and thinking about going to grad school in the future. In some ways I'm so, so happy for him, so glad that he's doing well. And in some ways I wish I was the one supporting him, being there for him, looking after him. It's not such a sharp, hard pain anymore. Now it's just sort of a constant dull ache. Maybe he was the one, the ache says, and maybe it's irrevocably messed up now. Sometimes I just want him back SO BADLY!

I've been knitting a bit, and finally finished the scarf for Shannon. I want to make a few things for myself now; a shawl of some sort (but I only have three skeins), and a blue and white Yale scarf. Still deciding how I'd want to do the Yale scarf. I kind of want it to say Yale on it, but on the other hand I have this pattern for a DNA scarf and I could just combine the two things and make a Yale DNA scarf. In that case, though, would it be too nerdy to make the cables in a different color so the helix stands out? Like, a blue helix on a white background? Would I be ashamed of my nerddom and incapable of wearing that scarf? Maybe I should learn Fair Isle so I can just knit YALE into the scarf and forget about the DNA bits.

You know, I always sort of thought that if I ever got a tattoo, it would be of a DNA strand that wrapped all the way around my body. I know exactly how it would wrap, too, and exactly what it would look like and what colors it would be.

I'm gonna go read some papers. Or maybe surf the internet looking for a shawl pattern.

Comments

[crazypumpkin.livejournal.com]

I say go for the DNA scarf. I'd wear something like that!

Are you open to feedback on the rest of your post?

[crazypumpkin.livejournal.com]

Third time in relationships is very rarely the charm. There's a reason you didn't work the first two times. I know this from experience. In two different relationships. I still wonder if I fucked up some really good relationships. But then I realize, if they were that good, they wouldn't have ended, or rather, they would have stayed around in some manner, but they didn't. It takes time. Sometimes a really long time, but we move on. Something I read recently had the idea of looking back, not staring back. I'm guilty of staring back, and it isn't good for me. It makes me miss whats right in front of me in the now. I can't change the past, but I can make a better future for myself.

[tryptonique.livejournal.com]

1) That DNA tattoo is really a fantastic idea. I can't really convey in proper terms just how vividly that image struck me. I think I have thought about tattoo ideas before myself. If I ever think of anything that is actually meaningful to me, perhaps I might consider it.

2) On the relationship stuff:
Like you said to me, I hope someday even that dull ache fades away. For me personally, I hope that I can just bury that ache away somewhere and never return to that place again. Kind of like just setting a fire, letting it burn, and movin' on. I hope someday all that is left is just a burnt out shell of a memory with no feeling attached. Perhaps a good image would be a cemetary out in the wilderness with all of the roads leading to it destroyed...making it completely inaccessible.
Perhaps that sounds a little harsh or repressive...but sometimes I hope for that.

3) As for the scarf? What a geek! :)
It works though. If you do it, take a pic and post it.

4) I'm in this class called Gender and Science. While you are actually reading scientific papers, I will be reading about women reading scientific papers. ;)

[tryptonique.livejournal.com]

Ps...damn I sounded emo on point 2. He he. Anyway...

:-p

[fieryminge.livejournal.com]

I agree with everything that the other commenters have said. And since I suck at boy advice, just pretend I said all that they said too. Just to drill it in.

I love the idea of that tattoo. I so want a tattoo! It doesn't help that some of my mommy friends have them... it makes me want to just plunge in and get one already lol.

Speaking of knitting... I have found the perfect pattern to knit for you. And I'm not telling *pffttb* All you need to know is that it is so you, you'll be able to cuddle it or display it, and it's totally geeky.

Okay, okay, if you really want to know, I'll tell you. Otherwise you have to wait :P

Oh, and I think maybe if you worked a subtle DNA border around a scarf (or maybe just on the ends) you'd be able to get away with the geekiness.