Passion

Oh, what a terrible week.
Thursday night I stayed up late working on the fake grant/term paper, and around 2 am I collapsed into bed, hyped up on caffeine but way too exhausted to write anything coherent.
At about 3 am, my eyes opened and I saw my room, and I "saw" someone come into the room to attack me. I distantly knew that I was asleep, and tried to get up so I could defend myself, but I couldn't move. I somehow flung myself out of bed, but couldn't get any sort of finer movement control, so I stumbled/fell in various directions, trying to get hold of something I could use to defend myself, but really not being able to move at all. I realized in the back of my mind that I had to wake up, so I started yelling at myself to wake up, except I couldn't speak either, so it came out as more of a croaked, "Kaaarrra! Kaarrrra!" Somehow I fell back into the bed and couldn't get up again, and the guy was going to hurt me, and I jerked awake, and the creepy thing is that I'm pretty sure my eyes had already been open, because I was looking at the exact same scene in my bedroom, just minus an attacker. I mean, lighting, angles, position of stuff on floor, all exactly the same. It was sooo scary. I jumped out of bed, turned on all the lights, and called Evan, who talked me down and gave me some good suggestions for how to recover. After we got off the phone, I curled up in front of the computer (all the lights in the apartment still on), and watched two episodes of Lost (okay, I see the irony in watching Lost to calm yourself down...). I think I got back to sleep around 5 or 5:30...

I woke up after about four hours and sort of got back to work. I finished the grant around 1, and went into lab around 2 to feed my cells. After that, I stopped by the Baserga lab to say hello, and to let them know I was okay, because I'd been in the day before twice and had not been in good shape. I hung out with them for an hour or so and then went to the dog park with Kat when her girlfriend picked her up with their dogs. Then all three of us went to Emily H's going-away party (she's transferring to Dartmouth). And after THAT I went waltzing with a couple other classmates. It was a crazy night, but lots of fun, and it felt great to not be writing that stupid grant.

Yesterday morning I woke up to go shopping with Nolan (Kat's girlfriend). We went to Target, and I got a navy blue linen skirt, a creamsicle-colored linen shirt, and a pair of jeans. Then I came home and went out again, to see TMNT with another friend. It was a really good movie, surprisingly, especially considering I barely remember watching the TV show when I was little. I think I was too young for it.
Yesterday evening there was a triple birthday gathering at Sullivan's, the Irish pub downtown that I adore, so Emily and I went to that and got wonderfully drunk. Then Kat and Nolan picked us up and took us to a lesbian bar in Hartford, so we could dance to decent music and meet some of their friends. Emily and I pretended to be together whenever anyone we didn't know looked at us, and danced, and drank, and had a wonderful time. For me, it was like being back inside spring quarter last year, dancing at the Dakota with the gay boys and loving life. It was a strange blend of past and present, and made me feel a little happier about Connecticut.

Actually, many things lately have made me a little happier about Connecticut. I noticed myself thinking, "I love New Haven" the other day, and while I don't think it's necessarily true (although, I could love just about ANYthing), I think it's a good sign that my hatred of New Haven is wearing off, and I'm not resisting the change as much anymore. I'm giving in! I'm adjusting! Yay!

It's raining terribly today, which is actually acceptable, because it's clearly a spring storm, and I'm inside all warm and happy. I bought a book yesterday, Neil Gaiman's Stardust, and have spent most of the afternoon reading it in bed, all huddled up and enjoying being in a fantasy world again. One thing I don't like about grad school is the relative lack of time in which I can read fiction without feeling guilty; so many of my reading hours are spent reading scientific articles and learning wonderful things about how cells work, which is wonderful, but into every life some imagination must fall. Today has been a good day. It's been a good weekend in general, and I feel six orders of magnitude better than I did 72 hours ago.

Also, I may have developed a new crush. I suppose I shouldn't say too much more, for fear of jinxing it, but if things continue the way they are going, perhaps soon I will be able to say that my crush has amounted to something real. In the meantime, I'm getting sort of girlishly giddy about the whole thing.

Also also, I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding in July!!! I have to say that this is the most excited I've been in a long time. I'm gonna be a bridesmaid! And wear a pretty dress and be in my favorite cousin's wedding! I'm ecstatic!
Also, I am going to knit her something red and lovely and wonderful for her wedding gift, although I have no idea yet what form that something will take.

And now, I'm off to Emily's to watch Firefly and knit, and then to another friend's house to watch Angel.

When the sun is out and it's raining, the foxes are having a wedding. What does it mean when the sun is out and it's snowing? (And where is the snow COMING FROM??)

It sort of tried to snow last night while I was walking home from (what may not be much longer) my lab. It was sort of wimpy snow, so I got a little excited but not too much.

This morning as I was sleeping, a dream took form in my head. In it, my undergraduate and current labs both required me to be working at the same time, and I, in my undergrad lab, couldn't convince them to let me leave to go work in the new one. My old grad student freaked out when I tried to leave, and then suddenly the dream changed, and he was running up stairs in a very blue-toned sepia scene, carrying a brightly colored stuffed snowplow. Yes, you read that correctly, a stuffed snowplow. The dream carried on in some fashion or another for a bit longer, with the snowplow taking center stage in the plot. Slowly, slowly, my brain worked its way up from the depths of sleep, and I opened my eyes to see the clock staring 5:08 at me. I groaned. Then I realized the sound. Shoveling. Very very loud shoveling. The first thought after this to cross my tired mind was, "Shoveling means SNOW!" So I flung myself out of bed (who knew I was capable of self-flinging at 5 am?) and dashed to my tiny cell window and looked out on the street below.

Dude, that was some wimpy snow covering. Less than an inch. You can still see grass under it. Totally lame.

And some guy was shoveling the sidewalks. By dropping his shovel on the ground and pushing it several yards at a time, then turning around and coming back the other way.

I crawled back into bed and put my head under my pillows to squash the sound. No luck. I got up, got some water, went back to the bathroom, thinking he was nearly done and hopefully the awful sound would stop soon. After about fifteen minutes, it did. By that time it's a miracle I wasn't wide awake.

Anyway. I went angrily back to sleep and woke up again at 7:30 to finish reading the methods section of two protein purification papers. I'm beginning to regret my decision to take the semi-required course with the rest of my first-year sufferers. Methods--blech.

Anyway anyway, back to reading, and then to lab (not the undergraduate one, thank god). And then I have to tell my PI I've decided to switch labs, and hope that my six doses of Catholic guilt stay out of the room long enough for me to get through a quick explanation and apology without bursting into tears and begging for forgiveness for being such a terrible person as to desire a lab environment that doesn't crush my soul.