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Mar. 26th, 2011 06:13 pm It has taken seven years, but the song "We Looked Like Giants" by Death Cab for Cutie no longer has any weird emotional power over me. Now it's just a normal, emo, pretty good song.
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Jan. 23rd, 2008 12:30 amLast night I had a dream about Clark. This is weird, because I have only had dreams with Clark in them on a few occasions, and I can't even remember those dreams clearly. I'm beginning to think that Clark signifies my conscience or my "voice of reason" in my dreams, because basically the only thing I remember about the dream from last night/this morning is that he was asking me, in a manner not unlike the one in which Jess questions Rory, whether or not I really wanted to be leaving school. "Are you really sure?" he asked. In that tone of voice that suggests that of course I'm not really sure, because it's a terrible idea and he's going to say I told you so in five years.
Actually, I also remember thinking, "I'm so glad you contacted me," (and in the dream I remember it was over AIM, and the chat window was all familiar and it was kind of comforting) and wondering if I had been too hard on him when we stopped talking, and if part of my anger with him wasn't really anger at myself and general frustration at my current life situation. I don't think he deserved all the wrath I heaped upon him, although he certainly deserved part of it.
The weird thing about making lots of friendslocked entries is that, after a while, it gets to be nerve-wracking to make unlocked posts. It induces paranoia.
I went climbing tonight and there was great music and I had good new climbing pants and of course the company is always excellent, and I felt like, "hey, this is santa-cruz-y and I'm okay here. I should climb more often." But something niggled in the back of my brain, saying, "This is not what you're missing, this is not why you're unhappy; more time spent climbing is not going to make it all better. This is not your solution." And I thought, "Yes, you're right." But it's interesting how I can have good moments--I had a great weekend too, with Aaron and with some of his friends and a few great rounds of a card game called Munchkin--and be generally okay and still be absolutely miserable. I really am absolutely miserable. And it's really just getting worse, despite everything I'm doing to try to force myself to dig in and put down roots and adjust, damnit (I just got a cat, for crying out loud, and the small furry thing, while I adore her, is not making everything better--I mean, not that I expected her to, but this sort of indicates that it's not an easily fixable thing, you know?).
Anyway, point is--subconscious, or Clark: I am unhappy and I don't know how to fight it without leaving. Fighting it here is not working. I think the unhappiness is inherent in the graduate school at Yale part. It's the being young part. It's the... it's all that. I don't know.
I'm very young and very miserable and very confused. But at least I have new climbing pants.
Actually, I also remember thinking, "I'm so glad you contacted me," (and in the dream I remember it was over AIM, and the chat window was all familiar and it was kind of comforting) and wondering if I had been too hard on him when we stopped talking, and if part of my anger with him wasn't really anger at myself and general frustration at my current life situation. I don't think he deserved all the wrath I heaped upon him, although he certainly deserved part of it.
The weird thing about making lots of friendslocked entries is that, after a while, it gets to be nerve-wracking to make unlocked posts. It induces paranoia.
I went climbing tonight and there was great music and I had good new climbing pants and of course the company is always excellent, and I felt like, "hey, this is santa-cruz-y and I'm okay here. I should climb more often." But something niggled in the back of my brain, saying, "This is not what you're missing, this is not why you're unhappy; more time spent climbing is not going to make it all better. This is not your solution." And I thought, "Yes, you're right." But it's interesting how I can have good moments--I had a great weekend too, with Aaron and with some of his friends and a few great rounds of a card game called Munchkin--and be generally okay and still be absolutely miserable. I really am absolutely miserable. And it's really just getting worse, despite everything I'm doing to try to force myself to dig in and put down roots and adjust, damnit (I just got a cat, for crying out loud, and the small furry thing, while I adore her, is not making everything better--I mean, not that I expected her to, but this sort of indicates that it's not an easily fixable thing, you know?).
Anyway, point is--subconscious, or Clark: I am unhappy and I don't know how to fight it without leaving. Fighting it here is not working. I think the unhappiness is inherent in the graduate school at Yale part. It's the being young part. It's the... it's all that. I don't know.
I'm very young and very miserable and very confused. But at least I have new climbing pants.
Unreasonable emotional difficulties
Apr. 25th, 2007 10:13 pmThis morning I finally made an appointment with a counselor. I saw them in January and they said they'd call me within four weeks. Nine weeks later they called me back, then told me that if I wanted to see someone over the summer I'd have to wait for them to transfer my info. And then, Monday, three months after I initially went in, I finally got a call from someone who can talk to me THIS WEEK and this summer. So today I called her back and made an appointment, go me.
I talked to Susan today (the PI of the lab I'll probably join), and I meant to ask her about thesis projects and funding and whatnot, and instead I mentioned that I sort of wanted to try a fourth rotation, and after a few minutes of questioning me, she said, "I think you don't really know what you want, and that's why all the casting about for the fourth rotation," and I said yeah, maybe, and she said I'm depressed, and then I got all teary. We talked a bit longer, and she said so many comforting awful things, like that I could still transfer, even though yes it's late and it would be hard, and that I could take a year off, or even a semester off, because I'm in academically good standing (and I took a moment to revel in this--I am in fantastic academic standing; I am an amazing student--at least I can do something right) and they'd let me take time off with very little explanation, and that she wondered if this was a grad school issue or a location issue. I said it was probably a location issue, and we talked about that, and I think she agreed. So I'm fairly sure now, especially because I've had this conversation out loud with a PI, that YES, I do want to be in grad school. I still don't know what I want to do AFTER grad school, but for now that's okay. I like grad school, and I like being a grad student. So that's good to know.
Also, I told her about the counselor situation, and as soon as I said "psychologist," she said, "Oh, the Yale Death Plan?" and I laughed weakly. After I finished the story, she said, "You should have come to me! I would have made them see you!" How is a first-year student supposed to know to go see a rotation PI if the counselors won't see you right away? Gah. Also, why didn't I just go talk to Susan? Stupid Kara.
Anyway, where was I?
So I went back to lab and developed the gel I'd started, and my post-doc yelled at me, because she is stupid and doesn't know how to interpret double digest results, EVEN THOUGH I HAD THE RESTRICTRION MAP AND FRAGMENT SIZES IN FRONT OF ME. So I set up single digests for tomorrow, to mollify her, even though they won't tell us what we need to know. She is stupid. I hate knowing more than a post-doc. It makes me feel... like the universe it out of whack. And like I want to whack her. With a gel box.
Also, I got a really good score on the piece of crap fake grant I wrote, and have been having flashbacks to sophomore year of high school, when I wrote a C paper and Lyla wrote an A paper (I know, I read it), and I got an A and she got a C. I feel guilty. I didn't deserve those 34 points; I should have gotten the 29. Damnit.
After class this afternoon I sobbed on Emily and Andrew and Elizabeth for an hour. I don't even know what I was crying about. I don't know what I want out of life, and I don't know what is making me miserable, and I don't know what to do about any of it. So I just sobbed.
After that I went to talk to the PI (Ron) of the possible fourth rotation. He said he'd take me, and then we proceeded to spend an hour talking about what it's like to be a professor, and how difficult it can be to adjust to new places, and how you go to the new places anyway because you're in science and unless you're freakin' amazing you don't get a lot of say in which institutions hire you, so you have to be able to live anywhere. And in some ways that was heartening, because Ron has clearly lived some awful places, and New Haven is awful but he clearly likes it, but in other ways of course it was terribly depressing, because a large part of The Plan (Version 3.0) hinges on getting post-docs and faculty jobs in California in general, if not the bay area specifically.
What I took away from that conversation, then, was that I just have to be freakin' amazing.
Also, Ron is going to a series of talks in Kansas this week, to talk about evolution, and I saw the flyer and saw that Harry Noller is going to be there, so we chatted about him for a moment, and Ron said he'd say hello for me. I miss Harry Noller. That guy was awesome.
I am, in fact, a complete trainwreck. Still/again.
And dude, it rained today. What's up with that?
(Also, I'm pretty sure my miserableness is NOT weather-related, because until today's rain it has been gorgeous for a week, and I've been happy on the surface, but that deep-seated hard cold core of unhappiness has still been hanging out in my stomach. Sort of right where the cysts were. So clearly sunshine can't make me happy, and therefore winter did not make me unhappy.)
The only thing I'm relatively sure about is that this is NOT over guys. This goes so much deeper than that.
Just thought I'd clarify that.
And I may have given myself carpal tunnel in my right hand. Bastard hurts like crazy. Can't knit.
I'm gonna go do some homework now, and wait for Gilmores to finish downloading. Silly me, I thought it was Thursday and that a new Lost would be up online too, but nope. Not till tomorrow.
I talked to Susan today (the PI of the lab I'll probably join), and I meant to ask her about thesis projects and funding and whatnot, and instead I mentioned that I sort of wanted to try a fourth rotation, and after a few minutes of questioning me, she said, "I think you don't really know what you want, and that's why all the casting about for the fourth rotation," and I said yeah, maybe, and she said I'm depressed, and then I got all teary. We talked a bit longer, and she said so many comforting awful things, like that I could still transfer, even though yes it's late and it would be hard, and that I could take a year off, or even a semester off, because I'm in academically good standing (and I took a moment to revel in this--I am in fantastic academic standing; I am an amazing student--at least I can do something right) and they'd let me take time off with very little explanation, and that she wondered if this was a grad school issue or a location issue. I said it was probably a location issue, and we talked about that, and I think she agreed. So I'm fairly sure now, especially because I've had this conversation out loud with a PI, that YES, I do want to be in grad school. I still don't know what I want to do AFTER grad school, but for now that's okay. I like grad school, and I like being a grad student. So that's good to know.
Also, I told her about the counselor situation, and as soon as I said "psychologist," she said, "Oh, the Yale Death Plan?" and I laughed weakly. After I finished the story, she said, "You should have come to me! I would have made them see you!" How is a first-year student supposed to know to go see a rotation PI if the counselors won't see you right away? Gah. Also, why didn't I just go talk to Susan? Stupid Kara.
Anyway, where was I?
So I went back to lab and developed the gel I'd started, and my post-doc yelled at me, because she is stupid and doesn't know how to interpret double digest results, EVEN THOUGH I HAD THE RESTRICTRION MAP AND FRAGMENT SIZES IN FRONT OF ME. So I set up single digests for tomorrow, to mollify her, even though they won't tell us what we need to know. She is stupid. I hate knowing more than a post-doc. It makes me feel... like the universe it out of whack. And like I want to whack her. With a gel box.
Also, I got a really good score on the piece of crap fake grant I wrote, and have been having flashbacks to sophomore year of high school, when I wrote a C paper and Lyla wrote an A paper (I know, I read it), and I got an A and she got a C. I feel guilty. I didn't deserve those 34 points; I should have gotten the 29. Damnit.
After class this afternoon I sobbed on Emily and Andrew and Elizabeth for an hour. I don't even know what I was crying about. I don't know what I want out of life, and I don't know what is making me miserable, and I don't know what to do about any of it. So I just sobbed.
After that I went to talk to the PI (Ron) of the possible fourth rotation. He said he'd take me, and then we proceeded to spend an hour talking about what it's like to be a professor, and how difficult it can be to adjust to new places, and how you go to the new places anyway because you're in science and unless you're freakin' amazing you don't get a lot of say in which institutions hire you, so you have to be able to live anywhere. And in some ways that was heartening, because Ron has clearly lived some awful places, and New Haven is awful but he clearly likes it, but in other ways of course it was terribly depressing, because a large part of The Plan (Version 3.0) hinges on getting post-docs and faculty jobs in California in general, if not the bay area specifically.
What I took away from that conversation, then, was that I just have to be freakin' amazing.
Also, Ron is going to a series of talks in Kansas this week, to talk about evolution, and I saw the flyer and saw that Harry Noller is going to be there, so we chatted about him for a moment, and Ron said he'd say hello for me. I miss Harry Noller. That guy was awesome.
I am, in fact, a complete trainwreck. Still/again.
And dude, it rained today. What's up with that?
(Also, I'm pretty sure my miserableness is NOT weather-related, because until today's rain it has been gorgeous for a week, and I've been happy on the surface, but that deep-seated hard cold core of unhappiness has still been hanging out in my stomach. Sort of right where the cysts were. So clearly sunshine can't make me happy, and therefore winter did not make me unhappy.)
The only thing I'm relatively sure about is that this is NOT over guys. This goes so much deeper than that.
Just thought I'd clarify that.
And I may have given myself carpal tunnel in my right hand. Bastard hurts like crazy. Can't knit.
I'm gonna go do some homework now, and wait for Gilmores to finish downloading. Silly me, I thought it was Thursday and that a new Lost would be up online too, but nope. Not till tomorrow.
Ode to Fake Grants and Recurring Pain
Apr. 13th, 2007 12:20 amWow, what a terrible week. I think everything just converged on me all at the same time--rotation talk, fake grant/term paper, womanly issues and the renewal of the debilitating pain, cold weather. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over, so I'll have this whole awful week behind me.
Yesterday I had to talk my lab into letting me take tomorrow off to work on my grant. I'm getting mixed signals from this lab. It's almost as bad as dating. Some of them are supportive and say that classes should be my top priority, and I should take it easy, and others are telling me that data is needed RIGHT NOW, and I feel guilty for having been late every single Friday for the last three weeks and then asking for this one off. I want this semester to be over. Semesters are stupid. They last way too long. I miss quarters. I'm taking way too many classes, and they should have ended a month ago.
Anyway. I've been working on the grant for a few hours now, and have banged out about six crappy pages. I actually feel a bit happier now that I've got something on paper and now that I've actually accomplished something tangible. It's not gonna be a fantastic grant, but I don't think my grade will suffer too badly. I did so well on the midterm, it hardly matters (thank you, thank you, thank you, parents, for giving me good test-taking genes). Anyway, I like the subject I chose, and there aren't many papers about it, so the background reading has been light and interesting. If only all of science was like this.
I spent most of this morning in pain. I got four hours of sleep last night because my body woke me up at 6 am screaming. I sat in the shower for 40 minutes (sorry, apartment-mates!) and then crawled back into bed and fell into an exhausted sleep. I still hurt when I woke up again at 8, but I went to lab meeting anyway. I stopped at Walgreens afterwards and picked up Percogesic and those muscle-relaxing heating pad things you stick on your skin, then came home and pretended to work on the grant, but really I watched the Disney version of Robin Hood. Then I took some Percogesic, applied a sticky heat thing, and went to biochem. I probably shouldn't have taken the Percogesic; it took the edge off the pain, but I had a really hard time paying attention in class. I came home and took a two-hour nap. After that, I was finally able to start writing, and I've been going strong until now. I think I'm just out of steam for the day. Also, I took some more Percogesic and I think it makes me tired. (Which is so weird, because medicine very very rarely makes me sleepy; sleeping pills have no effect.)
Last spring my doctor recommended acupuncture for the pain, and I never followed up. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm pretty open-minded, but not terribly crazy about lots of tiny needles.
Also, I feel like I've been really mean lately. Maybe it's just the grumpiness from being sleep-deprived and in pain, but still. I think I need to make an effort to be nicer to people. I just feel... icky.
Anyway. I can't wait to get my life back. I want to climb and knit and read and sleep and see my friends and watch TV and listen to NPR and go grocery shopping.
Just four more pages to write!
Okay, coffee is taking effect; back to work.
Yesterday I had to talk my lab into letting me take tomorrow off to work on my grant. I'm getting mixed signals from this lab. It's almost as bad as dating. Some of them are supportive and say that classes should be my top priority, and I should take it easy, and others are telling me that data is needed RIGHT NOW, and I feel guilty for having been late every single Friday for the last three weeks and then asking for this one off. I want this semester to be over. Semesters are stupid. They last way too long. I miss quarters. I'm taking way too many classes, and they should have ended a month ago.
Anyway. I've been working on the grant for a few hours now, and have banged out about six crappy pages. I actually feel a bit happier now that I've got something on paper and now that I've actually accomplished something tangible. It's not gonna be a fantastic grant, but I don't think my grade will suffer too badly. I did so well on the midterm, it hardly matters (thank you, thank you, thank you, parents, for giving me good test-taking genes). Anyway, I like the subject I chose, and there aren't many papers about it, so the background reading has been light and interesting. If only all of science was like this.
I spent most of this morning in pain. I got four hours of sleep last night because my body woke me up at 6 am screaming. I sat in the shower for 40 minutes (sorry, apartment-mates!) and then crawled back into bed and fell into an exhausted sleep. I still hurt when I woke up again at 8, but I went to lab meeting anyway. I stopped at Walgreens afterwards and picked up Percogesic and those muscle-relaxing heating pad things you stick on your skin, then came home and pretended to work on the grant, but really I watched the Disney version of Robin Hood. Then I took some Percogesic, applied a sticky heat thing, and went to biochem. I probably shouldn't have taken the Percogesic; it took the edge off the pain, but I had a really hard time paying attention in class. I came home and took a two-hour nap. After that, I was finally able to start writing, and I've been going strong until now. I think I'm just out of steam for the day. Also, I took some more Percogesic and I think it makes me tired. (Which is so weird, because medicine very very rarely makes me sleepy; sleeping pills have no effect.)
Last spring my doctor recommended acupuncture for the pain, and I never followed up. Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I'm pretty open-minded, but not terribly crazy about lots of tiny needles.
Also, I feel like I've been really mean lately. Maybe it's just the grumpiness from being sleep-deprived and in pain, but still. I think I need to make an effort to be nicer to people. I just feel... icky.
Anyway. I can't wait to get my life back. I want to climb and knit and read and sleep and see my friends and watch TV and listen to NPR and go grocery shopping.
Just four more pages to write!
Okay, coffee is taking effect; back to work.
(no subject)
Apr. 11th, 2007 11:42 pmToday sucked.
I had a breakdown at school this morning (it was mostly about the grant, but some other school stuff was thrown in, too. I won't go into it now). Luckily only four people saw me; two of my classmates, one of whom I cried ON, and their two labmates. Unluckily, one of those labmates, I did not realize at the time of the crying, was the guy I had that awkward thing with a couple months back. The guy who didn't have time for a relationship. Or, "You're nice, but I don't care about you enough to even give this a shot."
Once I realized who he was, and recovered sufficiently to see straight, I walked out of the lab through the far door so I wouldn't have to walk past him or talk to him, and the stupid idiot walked into the hall through the near door and stopped me to ask me if I was okay. I wanted to shout, "NO! I'm NOT OKAY! I just cried on your labmate, what the hell do you think?" And, "Besides," I wanted to add, "you didn't want me! You don't GET to care!" I was so mad. Like, really, really, passionately mad. (Is that unreasonable?)
The day got worse after that.
And then it slowly (really slowly) got better.
Until I ran into him AGAIN (what, nothing for six weeks and then twice in one day? twice TODAY?), and he stopped me AGAIN, and asked if there was anything he could do. I brushed him off and walked away as fast as possible, so I wouldn't have a chance to jam my lab keys through his eyes.
Then I had a conversation with some classmates, and realized that everyone had breakdowns today. At least two of my classmates, plus a poor girl one of them saw in the cafeteria who burst into tears upon being told she had to pay extra for her container, and then claimed she wasn't crying about the container, plus, it seems, half my friends list. So maybe today is just a freakout day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
I had a breakdown at school this morning (it was mostly about the grant, but some other school stuff was thrown in, too. I won't go into it now). Luckily only four people saw me; two of my classmates, one of whom I cried ON, and their two labmates. Unluckily, one of those labmates, I did not realize at the time of the crying, was the guy I had that awkward thing with a couple months back. The guy who didn't have time for a relationship. Or, "You're nice, but I don't care about you enough to even give this a shot."
Once I realized who he was, and recovered sufficiently to see straight, I walked out of the lab through the far door so I wouldn't have to walk past him or talk to him, and the stupid idiot walked into the hall through the near door and stopped me to ask me if I was okay. I wanted to shout, "NO! I'm NOT OKAY! I just cried on your labmate, what the hell do you think?" And, "Besides," I wanted to add, "you didn't want me! You don't GET to care!" I was so mad. Like, really, really, passionately mad. (Is that unreasonable?)
The day got worse after that.
And then it slowly (really slowly) got better.
Until I ran into him AGAIN (what, nothing for six weeks and then twice in one day? twice TODAY?), and he stopped me AGAIN, and asked if there was anything he could do. I brushed him off and walked away as fast as possible, so I wouldn't have a chance to jam my lab keys through his eyes.
Then I had a conversation with some classmates, and realized that everyone had breakdowns today. At least two of my classmates, plus a poor girl one of them saw in the cafeteria who burst into tears upon being told she had to pay extra for her container, and then claimed she wasn't crying about the container, plus, it seems, half my friends list. So maybe today is just a freakout day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Oh man, what a week. I've been avoiding lab as much as possible. I finally decided that this lab stresses me out too much. I like the research and I like most of the other people in the lab, but for some reason the overall atmosphere and dynamic just really freaks me out. I'm terrified of lab. I don't hate it, I'm afraid of it. I just can't see myself being in that kind of an environment for the next five years, so I don't think it would be a good choice for me to join. But I do really like the PI, and I'm a little sad that it's not going to work out.
Classes have been awesome. Okay, well maybe not awesome. But I got my midterm back in Euks yesterday, and I did awesome. Awesomely. I don't remember what the average was (I wrote it down somewhere...), but it doesn't really matter. I got the second-highest grad student score (there are undergrads in our class, and apparently every year they do better than the grad students, which sort of freaks me out a bit), which was revealed to me in secret, and which secret I suppose I am violating by telling EVERYONE, but I'm super excited about it. I've been feeling stupid and slow and worthless lately, and I REALLY needed this.
Anyway, I then proceeded to be really stupid, and run around the conference room like an excited... (quick, give me an excitable creature. bird? chipmunk?) ...in my socks, which led to the inevitable. I slipped and fell (HARD) on my right hip, bruising it pretty badly. I mean, no big deal, I wouldn't have posted about it, even though I couldn't sleep on it last night--except for the fact that this morning, as I was walking to lab, I tried to cross the street and step up onto the sidewalk on the other side, and I caught my boot on the edge of the sidewalk, causing myself to hurtle onto the pavement at an astonishing speed, landing on the SAME SPOT on my right hip and putting a tiny, painful hole in my left palm. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will be clumsy until the day I die.
So today was a little... uncheery. I was also forced to skip class by my uncooperative feminine organs, which I have decided should be removed as quickly as possible. This is ridiculous. I had surgery for this. I'm so mad at my body. How DARE it make me miss the RNA seminar (I only get one a week!)? How DARE it make me want to vomit with pain? How dare it influence my daily life in any way, shape, or form? I don't think I've ever been livid with my body before, but I really and truly just want to go in and yank things out myself.
I also just realized that I also missed the weekly MCDB seminar, which means I missed stealing the free cookies. Damnit. My feminine organs are so out of here.
In better news, think about my midterm score again! (Okay, maybe that only cheers up me.)
Also, I finished knitting my shawl (*cheering!*). I didn't have to buy any more yarn, and it's big and beautiful and I'm in love with it and the salmon color is actually really starting to grow on me. It goes with just a few things I have, so I'll really only be able to wear it a few places, but I think I might appropriate it as a "lab shawl." You know, the kind you have on your chair at your computer so when you sit down (and thus stop moving) and get cold, you have something to throw over your shoulders. I mean, a scarf isn't enough, and a coat is too much. So this shawl might be just the thing.
Also, I bought more yarn. I should be flogged.
Also also, I think this is one reason I've gotten so addicted to knitting. Knitters are hilarious.
I'm going to bed now.
Classes have been awesome. Okay, well maybe not awesome. But I got my midterm back in Euks yesterday, and I did awesome. Awesomely. I don't remember what the average was (I wrote it down somewhere...), but it doesn't really matter. I got the second-highest grad student score (there are undergrads in our class, and apparently every year they do better than the grad students, which sort of freaks me out a bit), which was revealed to me in secret, and which secret I suppose I am violating by telling EVERYONE, but I'm super excited about it. I've been feeling stupid and slow and worthless lately, and I REALLY needed this.
Anyway, I then proceeded to be really stupid, and run around the conference room like an excited... (quick, give me an excitable creature. bird? chipmunk?) ...in my socks, which led to the inevitable. I slipped and fell (HARD) on my right hip, bruising it pretty badly. I mean, no big deal, I wouldn't have posted about it, even though I couldn't sleep on it last night--except for the fact that this morning, as I was walking to lab, I tried to cross the street and step up onto the sidewalk on the other side, and I caught my boot on the edge of the sidewalk, causing myself to hurtle onto the pavement at an astonishing speed, landing on the SAME SPOT on my right hip and putting a tiny, painful hole in my left palm. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I will be clumsy until the day I die.
So today was a little... uncheery. I was also forced to skip class by my uncooperative feminine organs, which I have decided should be removed as quickly as possible. This is ridiculous. I had surgery for this. I'm so mad at my body. How DARE it make me miss the RNA seminar (I only get one a week!)? How DARE it make me want to vomit with pain? How dare it influence my daily life in any way, shape, or form? I don't think I've ever been livid with my body before, but I really and truly just want to go in and yank things out myself.
I also just realized that I also missed the weekly MCDB seminar, which means I missed stealing the free cookies. Damnit. My feminine organs are so out of here.
In better news, think about my midterm score again! (Okay, maybe that only cheers up me.)
Also, I finished knitting my shawl (*cheering!*). I didn't have to buy any more yarn, and it's big and beautiful and I'm in love with it and the salmon color is actually really starting to grow on me. It goes with just a few things I have, so I'll really only be able to wear it a few places, but I think I might appropriate it as a "lab shawl." You know, the kind you have on your chair at your computer so when you sit down (and thus stop moving) and get cold, you have something to throw over your shoulders. I mean, a scarf isn't enough, and a coat is too much. So this shawl might be just the thing.
Also, I bought more yarn. I should be flogged.
Also also, I think this is one reason I've gotten so addicted to knitting. Knitters are hilarious.
I'm going to bed now.
Post-midterm silliness
Mar. 1st, 2007 08:51 pmThe midterm was... intense. It actually turned out to be more of a grad school midterm, like I'd hoped. It involved thinking and problem-solving and interpreting data, and it was hard. But I'm weird, and I actually thought it was kinda fun. I'm not saying I think I did terribly well, but I did think it was fun.
Whatever. That's why I'm a grad student, isn't it?
I'm still exhausted. I'm sooo ready for spring break. One more week of lab, and then I'm going to sleep for a week. Or take that road trip I'd thought about for Thanksgiving. I kind of want to escape, alone, and drive off in a random direction. Maybe I'd go to Boston, and sleep in my car (I'd take my sleeping bag and lay down the back seat and sleep in the trunk; it gets pretty flat) and window-shop during the day and knit in coffeeshops in the evening, and not talk to anyone I know and just... decompress. I'm so compressed. Just two or three days (I dunno about three days, I might get bored) would be perfect.
Anyway. I went looking at yarn online, because I'm not poor enough already, and I have a new love. http://jadesapphire.com/ Behold the tinyness of this yarn, and the softness, and what is probably the extreme expensiveness. I couldn't find a price for it. I have no idea what I'd make with it, but I'm horribly in love with the silk/cashmere in the Planet Earth color. I don't know why, I just am. We just connected, that skein and I. I want it.
My grad student from my first rotation dragged me to yoga tonight. I'd never been to an actual yoga class. I did it with my mom a couple times in high school, and I sort of hated it for no reason. It was this weird thing my mom picked up when I was a pre-teen, and I thought she was nuts. Now I realize that if I had been her, I would have snatched up yoga too. The class was actually kind of fun, once I got over the feeling that everyone was staring at me. My hips popped a couple of times, and I shook while holding most of the poses, and I couldn't do the airplane on my right foot because of my broken toe, but all in all I think I actually did pretty well. I might be able to be talked into going again. Might.
Anyway, I'm gonna go open a bottle of wine and stream last night's episode of Lost, and then maybe laze around for a while reading Real Simple.
Oh, I also seem to have obtained a Rolling Stone subscription. Did any of you purchase one for me? I've gotten two issues now....
Or maybe I subscribed without remembering? ...That sort of sounds like something I might do....
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Edit: I'm a bad person. I found a yarn sale site. http://www.littleknits.com/index.php
I bought yarn.
And now I want to buy more yarn. Good thing I already sent in the order. My willpower is strong enough to only let me complete one....
http://www.littleknits.com/products.php?cat=344
Damn I want this yarn. Color wouldn't matter. But I like the first two.
Again, not that I have any idea what I'd make with it. Especially since tiny needles and endless pattern repetitions scare me.
Whatever. That's why I'm a grad student, isn't it?
I'm still exhausted. I'm sooo ready for spring break. One more week of lab, and then I'm going to sleep for a week. Or take that road trip I'd thought about for Thanksgiving. I kind of want to escape, alone, and drive off in a random direction. Maybe I'd go to Boston, and sleep in my car (I'd take my sleeping bag and lay down the back seat and sleep in the trunk; it gets pretty flat) and window-shop during the day and knit in coffeeshops in the evening, and not talk to anyone I know and just... decompress. I'm so compressed. Just two or three days (I dunno about three days, I might get bored) would be perfect.
Anyway. I went looking at yarn online, because I'm not poor enough already, and I have a new love. http://jadesapphire.com/ Behold the tinyness of this yarn, and the softness, and what is probably the extreme expensiveness. I couldn't find a price for it. I have no idea what I'd make with it, but I'm horribly in love with the silk/cashmere in the Planet Earth color. I don't know why, I just am. We just connected, that skein and I. I want it.
My grad student from my first rotation dragged me to yoga tonight. I'd never been to an actual yoga class. I did it with my mom a couple times in high school, and I sort of hated it for no reason. It was this weird thing my mom picked up when I was a pre-teen, and I thought she was nuts. Now I realize that if I had been her, I would have snatched up yoga too. The class was actually kind of fun, once I got over the feeling that everyone was staring at me. My hips popped a couple of times, and I shook while holding most of the poses, and I couldn't do the airplane on my right foot because of my broken toe, but all in all I think I actually did pretty well. I might be able to be talked into going again. Might.
Anyway, I'm gonna go open a bottle of wine and stream last night's episode of Lost, and then maybe laze around for a while reading Real Simple.
Oh, I also seem to have obtained a Rolling Stone subscription. Did any of you purchase one for me? I've gotten two issues now....
Or maybe I subscribed without remembering? ...That sort of sounds like something I might do....
_______________________________________
Edit: I'm a bad person. I found a yarn sale site. http://www.littleknits.com/index.php
I bought yarn.
And now I want to buy more yarn. Good thing I already sent in the order. My willpower is strong enough to only let me complete one....
http://www.littleknits.com/products.php?cat=344
Damn I want this yarn. Color wouldn't matter. But I like the first two.
Again, not that I have any idea what I'd make with it. Especially since tiny needles and endless pattern repetitions scare me.
IT'S SNOWING! Sort of. I think it's actually snowing and melting at the same time. If it's not melting, then it's doing some weird sort of snow condensing magic and disappearing. Somehow I doubt it's sublimating.
Earlier, I went to Walgreen's to buy more hair dye, and inside it was jam-packed with red hearthings and candythings and cardthings, and people were EVERYwhere like it was just before a hurricane and they wanted duct tape, except it was singing balloons and giant stuffed animals with words on their stomachs, and I picked up a romance novel and some chocolate-covered coffee ball things--what could be better than coffee covered in chocolate??--along with my hair dye and two packs of hangers (because you can never have enough hangers), and as I checked out I felt a little sad that no one was buying large boxes of sugar for me, but as I walked out into the night, my feet clad in slippers because my toe doesn't like being in shoes, and my body wrapped up in the giant warm furry coat my dad bought for me, a few snowflakes floated down and landed on my arms, and I felt like perhaps the universe was saying that I just needed to take a moment to be happy with what I have. So I did.
I drove home and it wasn't snowing anymore, but ten minutes after I got into the house I went to close the window I'd left open this morning so the apartment could air out, and I could HEAR the snow beginning to fall. It was a very dry snow, coming down very quickly, and at first I thought it was very small hail. I stuck my head and shoulders out the window and found that it was in fact snow, and marveled at the fact that snow can make a noise. I didn't know snow could make a noise.
I covered up the blue spots in my hair. Hopefully the brown spots I got on my face will come off the rest of the way tomorrow morning.
Also, the lj update screen is pink with hearts. I'm not sure how I feel about that. First they take away my option to customize my update screen, and now they force pink hearts on me? I mean, I'm all about pink and hearts, sure. Sometimes even around Valentine's Day. But pink and hearts against my will? Grrrr.
Time to finish (read: start) my reading for tomorrow, and then get to bed.
Earlier, I went to Walgreen's to buy more hair dye, and inside it was jam-packed with red hearthings and candythings and cardthings, and people were EVERYwhere like it was just before a hurricane and they wanted duct tape, except it was singing balloons and giant stuffed animals with words on their stomachs, and I picked up a romance novel and some chocolate-covered coffee ball things--what could be better than coffee covered in chocolate??--along with my hair dye and two packs of hangers (because you can never have enough hangers), and as I checked out I felt a little sad that no one was buying large boxes of sugar for me, but as I walked out into the night, my feet clad in slippers because my toe doesn't like being in shoes, and my body wrapped up in the giant warm furry coat my dad bought for me, a few snowflakes floated down and landed on my arms, and I felt like perhaps the universe was saying that I just needed to take a moment to be happy with what I have. So I did.
I drove home and it wasn't snowing anymore, but ten minutes after I got into the house I went to close the window I'd left open this morning so the apartment could air out, and I could HEAR the snow beginning to fall. It was a very dry snow, coming down very quickly, and at first I thought it was very small hail. I stuck my head and shoulders out the window and found that it was in fact snow, and marveled at the fact that snow can make a noise. I didn't know snow could make a noise.
I covered up the blue spots in my hair. Hopefully the brown spots I got on my face will come off the rest of the way tomorrow morning.
Also, the lj update screen is pink with hearts. I'm not sure how I feel about that. First they take away my option to customize my update screen, and now they force pink hearts on me? I mean, I'm all about pink and hearts, sure. Sometimes even around Valentine's Day. But pink and hearts against my will? Grrrr.
Time to finish (read: start) my reading for tomorrow, and then get to bed.
I have returned from an extremely relaxing weekend in Vermont, sporting a broken toe. I spent Saturday afternoon at the spa with one friend while everyone else went skiing. The spa was incredible; jacuzzi, waterfall massage thing, hot mineral bath, water with cucumbers in it... I've never been so relaxed. I fell asleep with cucumbers on my eyes and have never had such a good nap.
Saturday night we had a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. We drank 26 of them between three people, and I was extraordinarily drunk. Ali and Mike dyed my hair (brown, to cover up the blue, because I'm so over the colored hair thing)(and they missed a few spots, so I'll be redoing it sometime this week), and then I vaguely remember smashing into something and yelping in pain. I suppose that it must have been fairly painful for me to have felt it while so inebriated. I woke up Sunday morning with an excruciating hangover and an excruciating toe. So I went back to sleep and didn't get up again until afternoon. I can walk on the toe, though, so I guess it can't be that bad. It's currently taped to its neighbor and doing just fine, but I'm a bit worried about climbing later this week. How am I supposed to squish this toe into a shoe already designed to be too small and pinchy?
Anyway, Vermont is exactly how you would imagine it. Or rather, how I had imagined it. It's snowy (why is New Haven the only place in New England without snow?) and beautiful and there are tiny Christmas towns all over the place. They sell maple syrup in every store. There's a lot of cheese, too. I don't know if the people are as nice as everyone says, because we really only interacted with the few people working at the grocery store and the tourist shops we visited. But it is a beautiful, fairy-tale-ish state, and hopefully I'll get to spend a lot of time there in the future.
I feel all rejuvenated and refreshed. I couldn't stop singing today in lab.
Anyway. I've got homework and errands.
Saturday night we had a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. We drank 26 of them between three people, and I was extraordinarily drunk. Ali and Mike dyed my hair (brown, to cover up the blue, because I'm so over the colored hair thing)(and they missed a few spots, so I'll be redoing it sometime this week), and then I vaguely remember smashing into something and yelping in pain. I suppose that it must have been fairly painful for me to have felt it while so inebriated. I woke up Sunday morning with an excruciating hangover and an excruciating toe. So I went back to sleep and didn't get up again until afternoon. I can walk on the toe, though, so I guess it can't be that bad. It's currently taped to its neighbor and doing just fine, but I'm a bit worried about climbing later this week. How am I supposed to squish this toe into a shoe already designed to be too small and pinchy?
Anyway, Vermont is exactly how you would imagine it. Or rather, how I had imagined it. It's snowy (why is New Haven the only place in New England without snow?) and beautiful and there are tiny Christmas towns all over the place. They sell maple syrup in every store. There's a lot of cheese, too. I don't know if the people are as nice as everyone says, because we really only interacted with the few people working at the grocery store and the tourist shops we visited. But it is a beautiful, fairy-tale-ish state, and hopefully I'll get to spend a lot of time there in the future.
I feel all rejuvenated and refreshed. I couldn't stop singing today in lab.
Anyway. I've got homework and errands.
