Passion

Things I'm grateful for today:

1. This winter being really, really mild.
I know this is a bad thing overall. Climate change = bad. But on a selfish, personal level, I am so, so grateful that this winter has been warm and easy to endure. It's the first winter in several years I haven't sunk into depression, and it's really nice to be in early February and not feel like I want to drive into a tree.

2. My job.
I have a really flexible job. Some days are difficult and challenging and hectic. Some days are quiet and I have a lot of free time. I almost always have a lot of choice in what I'm doing minute-to-minute, and I feel very lucky for that.

3. This beer.
Today was one of the longer, more hectic days, and came with a lot of frustration. I'm grateful for the financial stability that lets us keep beer on hand and that I don't have Celiac disease and I can enjoy this beer at my leisure in my own home.

I looked in the mirror this morning and felt like I've lost a pound or two around the stomach. I don't know if that's true or not, but I have been walking a lot lately, so maybe. I look forward to living somewhere that I can/have to walk everywhere.

I finally sent my resume to my coworker's friend at Google. She gave me the contact info in December and I spent about four weeks actively freaking out over the sad state of said resume. I finally got it into decent shape and then spent several more weeks just sitting on it, lamely, petrified with fear. Fear of what? Rejection, probably, though it's a lot harder for them to say "yes" instead of "no" if you never send them your resume... So, anyway, today I finally sent it in. And then I looked up a 3D printing company in San Francisco and made first contact with them, too. Yay! Go me. Job Hunt 2012: California has officially kicked off.

Oh, what a terrible week.
Thursday night I stayed up late working on the fake grant/term paper, and around 2 am I collapsed into bed, hyped up on caffeine but way too exhausted to write anything coherent.
At about 3 am, my eyes opened and I saw my room, and I "saw" someone come into the room to attack me. I distantly knew that I was asleep, and tried to get up so I could defend myself, but I couldn't move. I somehow flung myself out of bed, but couldn't get any sort of finer movement control, so I stumbled/fell in various directions, trying to get hold of something I could use to defend myself, but really not being able to move at all. I realized in the back of my mind that I had to wake up, so I started yelling at myself to wake up, except I couldn't speak either, so it came out as more of a croaked, "Kaaarrra! Kaarrrra!" Somehow I fell back into the bed and couldn't get up again, and the guy was going to hurt me, and I jerked awake, and the creepy thing is that I'm pretty sure my eyes had already been open, because I was looking at the exact same scene in my bedroom, just minus an attacker. I mean, lighting, angles, position of stuff on floor, all exactly the same. It was sooo scary. I jumped out of bed, turned on all the lights, and called Evan, who talked me down and gave me some good suggestions for how to recover. After we got off the phone, I curled up in front of the computer (all the lights in the apartment still on), and watched two episodes of Lost (okay, I see the irony in watching Lost to calm yourself down...). I think I got back to sleep around 5 or 5:30...

I woke up after about four hours and sort of got back to work. I finished the grant around 1, and went into lab around 2 to feed my cells. After that, I stopped by the Baserga lab to say hello, and to let them know I was okay, because I'd been in the day before twice and had not been in good shape. I hung out with them for an hour or so and then went to the dog park with Kat when her girlfriend picked her up with their dogs. Then all three of us went to Emily H's going-away party (she's transferring to Dartmouth). And after THAT I went waltzing with a couple other classmates. It was a crazy night, but lots of fun, and it felt great to not be writing that stupid grant.

Yesterday morning I woke up to go shopping with Nolan (Kat's girlfriend). We went to Target, and I got a navy blue linen skirt, a creamsicle-colored linen shirt, and a pair of jeans. Then I came home and went out again, to see TMNT with another friend. It was a really good movie, surprisingly, especially considering I barely remember watching the TV show when I was little. I think I was too young for it.
Yesterday evening there was a triple birthday gathering at Sullivan's, the Irish pub downtown that I adore, so Emily and I went to that and got wonderfully drunk. Then Kat and Nolan picked us up and took us to a lesbian bar in Hartford, so we could dance to decent music and meet some of their friends. Emily and I pretended to be together whenever anyone we didn't know looked at us, and danced, and drank, and had a wonderful time. For me, it was like being back inside spring quarter last year, dancing at the Dakota with the gay boys and loving life. It was a strange blend of past and present, and made me feel a little happier about Connecticut.

Actually, many things lately have made me a little happier about Connecticut. I noticed myself thinking, "I love New Haven" the other day, and while I don't think it's necessarily true (although, I could love just about ANYthing), I think it's a good sign that my hatred of New Haven is wearing off, and I'm not resisting the change as much anymore. I'm giving in! I'm adjusting! Yay!

It's raining terribly today, which is actually acceptable, because it's clearly a spring storm, and I'm inside all warm and happy. I bought a book yesterday, Neil Gaiman's Stardust, and have spent most of the afternoon reading it in bed, all huddled up and enjoying being in a fantasy world again. One thing I don't like about grad school is the relative lack of time in which I can read fiction without feeling guilty; so many of my reading hours are spent reading scientific articles and learning wonderful things about how cells work, which is wonderful, but into every life some imagination must fall. Today has been a good day. It's been a good weekend in general, and I feel six orders of magnitude better than I did 72 hours ago.

Also, I may have developed a new crush. I suppose I shouldn't say too much more, for fear of jinxing it, but if things continue the way they are going, perhaps soon I will be able to say that my crush has amounted to something real. In the meantime, I'm getting sort of girlishly giddy about the whole thing.

Also also, I'm going to be a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding in July!!! I have to say that this is the most excited I've been in a long time. I'm gonna be a bridesmaid! And wear a pretty dress and be in my favorite cousin's wedding! I'm ecstatic!
Also, I am going to knit her something red and lovely and wonderful for her wedding gift, although I have no idea yet what form that something will take.

And now, I'm off to Emily's to watch Firefly and knit, and then to another friend's house to watch Angel.

I have returned from an extremely relaxing weekend in Vermont, sporting a broken toe. I spent Saturday afternoon at the spa with one friend while everyone else went skiing. The spa was incredible; jacuzzi, waterfall massage thing, hot mineral bath, water with cucumbers in it... I've never been so relaxed. I fell asleep with cucumbers on my eyes and have never had such a good nap.

Saturday night we had a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon. We drank 26 of them between three people, and I was extraordinarily drunk. Ali and Mike dyed my hair (brown, to cover up the blue, because I'm so over the colored hair thing)(and they missed a few spots, so I'll be redoing it sometime this week), and then I vaguely remember smashing into something and yelping in pain. I suppose that it must have been fairly painful for me to have felt it while so inebriated. I woke up Sunday morning with an excruciating hangover and an excruciating toe. So I went back to sleep and didn't get up again until afternoon. I can walk on the toe, though, so I guess it can't be that bad. It's currently taped to its neighbor and doing just fine, but I'm a bit worried about climbing later this week. How am I supposed to squish this toe into a shoe already designed to be too small and pinchy?

Anyway, Vermont is exactly how you would imagine it. Or rather, how I had imagined it. It's snowy (why is New Haven the only place in New England without snow?) and beautiful and there are tiny Christmas towns all over the place. They sell maple syrup in every store. There's a lot of cheese, too. I don't know if the people are as nice as everyone says, because we really only interacted with the few people working at the grocery store and the tourist shops we visited. But it is a beautiful, fairy-tale-ish state, and hopefully I'll get to spend a lot of time there in the future.

I feel all rejuvenated and refreshed. I couldn't stop singing today in lab.

Anyway. I've got homework and errands.

Let me preface this by saying that I am drunk, and therefore anything I update about cannot be held against me.

In the last couple of days, a lot has happened. I walked several miles Thursday night, alone, in the cold, and saw the luminaria on the Green and sat in front of a church and thought about my life and where it's going and whether or not I'm happy here. And I'm not. And maybe I'm just not used to New England, and maybe I left the real me behind in Santa Cruz, tipsy on a beach on a May afternoon after a day of climbing and a bit of drinking at the Seabright Brewery. But even so, maybe this just isn't the right place for me. I'm not fitting in here, I don't feel at home here. Would I feel more at home at UCSF? Did I make the wrong decision?

It snowed yesterday. And it was windy and the powder blew straight into my face and stung my cheeks. Maybe I was wrong to be excited for winter?

I also learned how to knit yesterday, and am now on my way to making a scarf. I feel very... domestic.

Anyway. There's an 8-10 page paper for 603 I haven't chosen a topic for yet, and Monday we're getting take-home exams for 602, and 625 has a shit-ton of stuff coming up, so I'm going to go get some sleep and try to think of sunny things. I hadn't realized I liked the sun so much, but damn I miss the temperate nature of California. Right, anyway, I was saying--I'm going to bed.