(no subject)

[oceantheorem]

Sometimes I don't understand how I got here. Was it just last year that I had sex for the first time? Or was it a thousand centuries ago? Was it ten, twelve years ago that I was in elementary school? Or was it last week? They say time is relative. It seems my memories feel that way too. They all have little time tags on them, saying, "I go here," but if I ignore the time tags, it seems like they're all jumbled up, all happening at the same time. I'm three, stepping on a wasp. I'm seventeen, getting my first kiss. I'm seven, watching kids trick-or-treat at my house from my second-story window while I'm grounded. I'm fifteen, finding out I made it onto the yearbook staff, thrilled with myself, not knowing what's ahead. I'm three, stepping on a crab a day before stepping on the wasp.

This quarter has felt like that. A thousand years long, happening in the last two days. The pain and shock of my grandmother's death is still fresh, and yet I barely remember how I felt when I found out she'd died. It happened twenty minutes ago and twenty years ago. I've kissed two guys this quarter and regretted both of them... Wished it was all in the past, wished it so hard that the memories have already faded, even though both happened in the last month.

I slept with a guy last weekend. I don't know if he reads my lj. If he does, maybe he'll understand what I've been trying to tell him for the past week. If he doesn't, oh well.
I don't know why I did it. I've been so stressed out, so tired, so high-strung. I carry my tension in my shoulders, and for the last two or three months I've had shoulders made of iron. I think it was actually last Wednesday night that something in me snapped. It was too much studying, too much guilt, too much trying to be a good and normal person. My brain went "pop" or "tink" or some other broken computer noise, and I was temporarily hysterical--and in the middle of a review session for a midterm, no less. I took the test Thursday (and got an A, miraculously. I guess all that studying was worth it), but I don't think I really recovered. Saturday night I think I needed a release, needed a way out of everything. I still don't know why I thought having sex would be the best way to deal with things. I think maybe the point was that I wasn't thinking, and that's why I liked being in that moment, and why I let it keep progressing. For a few minutes, it was nice to not be in charge. It was nice to not be in control. It felt good to just let go of things.

Ann yelled at me that night when I told her what I'd done, and at first I couldn't understand why. But she was right, I realized slowly. Sunday I started to feel the first pangs of regret, and by Monday I was even more racked with guilt than I'd been last week. Like I said, I'm not used to not being in control. I gave everything away just to feel good for half an hour, an hour. I let go of all my sensibilities, all my values, all the promises I made to myself, just so I could forget about everything else I've dealt with this quarter. I promised myself I'd never again have sex without love, and there I was, Saturday night, having sex without being in love. I'm not sure how to deal with that. I don't think I've ever directly broken such a firm vow I'd made to myself.

This has nothing to do with the guy. In case you're wondering, he's a great guy. He's smart, he's funny, we had great conversations, and after only hanging out with him for a few hours (no, that was not our first date) I felt like I knew him well. He's sure he's clean, but of his own accord he went and got tested for STD's Tuesday. He's nice. There's very little wrong with him so far. I like him and all. But this has nothing to do with him.

I think I need to never see him again. Like I said, it's not him. I just need to get that huge mistake out of my life. I want to pretend it never happened. I want to pretend I didn't lose control of myself. I want to pretend I'm not capable of such mistakes. I need to believe that I'm a better person than that. I saw the way his housemates looked at me as I was leaving. Their eyes said, "Ah, he SO just scored!" I'm not the kind of girl someone "scores" with. I'm not a tally mark. I'm intelligent and caring and ambitious and a good person, and I deserve better than that. I know I'm not perfect, but I try damn hard.

And it's more than that. I don't want a relationship. I just want to be alone. In past weeks, I've realized more and more that I'm becoming afraid of people. I walked into a crowded room the other day and found myself taking a few deep breaths, because all the people in the room were making me nervous. All those people! So close to me! I couldn't immediately handle it. I've never had anything like that happen to me before. I'm starting to get freaked out when people bump into me on the bus. It's not that I don't want people to touch me. It's just that I don't know how to respond.

I think the biggest reason I don't want to see him again is that I don't want to fall in love with him. I don't have time for a relationship, I don't have time for someone else in my life. I really realized that Saturday night, when we attempted to schedule when we could see each other again (I've since prolonged the meeting, I really do need time to think. If you're reading this, nothing I said to you was a lie). The first good meeting for both of us was sometime more than ten days past Saturday. Stupid. I honestly, honestly do NOT have time for a boyfriend. ANY boyfriend! This guy was the one I WANTED to go out with. If I don't have time for him... I don't have time for anyone. And the stupid, sad thing that he's going to get mad at me for, is that I don't want to make time. I don't want to make that space in my life. I'm not willing to share myself with him. I like my time alone. And... the idea of a relationship scares me stupid.

See, when I dated Jamie, I fell horribly and madly in love with him. I devoted myself to him. I gave him everything I had... and he didn't love me back. It almost destroyed me. I can't go through that again. It's a classic case of once burned, twice shy. I'm still in the first shy part. I don't even have the courage to date someone, let alone fall in love.

I just got horribly distracted, and my thoughts have had a massive Greatest Show On Earth-esque trainwreck all over my keyboard, so I think I give up for tonight. At any rate, for all those of you that posted in confusion to my last entry, thank you and I love you, and this is what that was all about. And if the aforementioned guy is reading this, yes we will talk next week, and no I don't think I'll change my mind, but yes I will think about it more this weekend. To all, DON'T PANIC.

Oh yeah, and I'll be back online Monday night. I hope. Until then, the party's in Reno!


Oh, and a meme for you if you made it this far:

I love looking at people's icons, but I don't always *get* them - I often wonder stuff like, "Who's that guy?" or "Where's that quote from?" but I tend not to ask, for various reasons. So come on, here are my icons. Pick one (or more!) you're curious about, and I'll try to explain it. Or at least explain what I like about it.

Comments

[steelwin.livejournal.com]

You're going to Reno? No fair!!! be sure and say "hi" to it for me.

[round-midnight.livejournal.com]

Oh Kara luv. I don't know that I have any advice...I rarely do, seeing as I'm almost as confuselled and stressed as you. But I can offer a and say that you are still our KaGoon, and regardless of what decisions you make, good or not so good, and where you find life leading you, we're here for you, and you will always be the brilliant, witty, strong, radiant girl I met in Mr Barry's class, and have known for 5(?) amazing years. NOTHING can change that. Keep your chin up. You can cry on my shoulder whenever you need to, but I also want you to be happy. :) You deserve to be.
Loves,
Jen

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Ah, Jen. I love you. I want you to know that I'm here for you as much as you're here for me, and that I miss you! Please say that you'll have a free hour or two this weekend to hang out? I'll call you when I get in to Reno this afternoon.
Lots of loves,
Kara

[fieryminge.livejournal.com]

ah seester... what to say. i know these are rough times for both of us. and i read that whole entry (yes, i made it through) and i thought to myself "i have no reason to be complaining about my life". i wish i had some super great life-affirming advice for you, but i'm no good at advice. all i can tell you is that you are such a good person and you deserve all the happiness in the world. i also wish i was closer so that i could sit with you and gossip and watch chick flics and laugh and be happy.

if you really like this guy, and he likes you, then he should be willing to work it out with you. love isn't perfect, but it is true and unyeilding when you do find it.

i know how you feel about what you went through with jamie... i gave chris everything i had and i (sometimes) feel like he didn't give me his all in return. it nearly destroyed me too. :|

just know that you have strong friendships that will always be there for you. and we love you!

*HUGS*

[fieryminge.livejournal.com]

oh and p.s.~ Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '97: Wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters.
Throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

*sigh* The problem is not that I'm afraid that it won't work out. The problem is that I KNOW it won't work out, and I want it to go away. I don't WANT it to work out.

Thank you for the support, and for the song! It was good to see you this weekend. I cna't wait until our girls' night out in two weeks!

Love ya.

*sigh*

[ubbrenda.livejournal.com]

My dearest Kara,
Do not let the bad love in life detour you from ever loving again. But neither am I saying you should fall in love with this boy...I forgot his name and am too lazy to scroll up and find it. I admit it is easy to do, why try to give yourself to someone else after another has already successfully ruined your life to shreds?
But this is not a letter to say fall in love. This is not a letter to tell you what to do with your life at all. But instead this is me trying to reach out to you to tell you my dear that I worry for you. It saddens to hear you say that you have no time for one of life's greatest gifts-companionship. If I could offer advice, I feel you need to talk this young man. If he was so awesome for you to gain happiness, then you have some things you need to tell him. NO you aren't an easy score. If I could I would probably sleep with Phil again- but Lord knows even if I did call him and told him *thankfully he woudln't do it. (well I would hope so, he's probably too pissed at me anyway). The point being you are not weak for not wanting to be in control. It is a woman's nature to want to be wanted. To want to be touched by human skin, to feel the warmth of someone else's breath. It's in our nature to adore human contact.
I pray this weekend with the goons in Reno will help you. If not at least being in the comfort of your mother. For you it's Reno, for me I'll run away to kauai in about a month with Stacey. For 2 days we'll do homework, sit on the beach, swim in the pool, hang out in the hotel, and eat. For me that's my retreat. For you, I hope Reno is a retreat for you.
You are an intelligent young lady (though not too young). You are so smart, and so motivated, even when you don't think you are. It would do you some good to have a friend that you could call and go hang out over coffee talking for a few hours to chat and get away from work. From life. Stacey is my best friend here. She kidnaps me, we talk, we eat and life seems to stop. Nothing matters anymore, we just have fun. If the fact that you have found someone that does that to you-it's awesome. Just because he's a boy doesn't mean there has to be total relationship things going on. Granted it might happen, but then later down the road you might just be the best of friends ever.
I can understand the pang of regret you have. I do- have that when I kissed Phil. Granted I didn't have sex with him, but my love- know that you are surrounded by people that love you for who you are, for the mistakes you make (even if you feel they are HUGE ones), and most of all if you ask, God can help ease pain and twinges of frustration. Of all things I cannot understand, is the feeling I get when I cry out to God asking Him to take me in His arms, surround me with His love, and make me whole. Forgive me for my ignorance and mistakes, and help me learn from them. People might say I'm such a spiritual person, but you've believed before-perhaps it might help to call out again.
If not, then something else will happen.
Honey, I don't know if this has helped. I wish I could be there to hold you and give you some kleenox. To take you to some ice cream shop, or some wonderful food place while we sit and talk. While we catch up, while we splurge our emotions out into babbles of conversations. Instead you have to deal with this increasingly long comment....
You know I love you, and will always try my best to help ease your pain, and show you the sunshine.
Bren

Re: *sigh*

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

I am doing a lot better after having gone home. Mom fed me real food, and we hung out and went shopping and just generally had a good time. I also got to see Lyla (who is an amazing harpist, by the way!), and I feel more like a human being than I have in months. It was a really, really good idea to go home this weekend. I feel so much better.

I still don't think I'm going to pursue anything with this guy. It's just not right. It doesn't feel right. And I need to be alone. For the past year I've been establishing that I know how to be alone, that I can be independent, and I don't feel like those are concrete statements yet. I want to keep being alone and independent to make sure I retain those skills throughout my life. I never want to be dependent on a man. Ever again. For my happiness, my livelihood, my finances, or anything else. So this guy isn't going to get a chance to date me whether he deserves one or not. I deserve to be able to call the shots in my own life, and I made a mistake with him, but I still deserve to have the right to stay single. It's not like medieval times when you had sex, got someone pregnant, and got married. I didn't get him pregnant, and I'm not marrying him. I'm not obligated to him.

I'll be okay. I'm recovering from this quarter and am taking a lighter load next quarter. My life is still my own and I'm learning more and more about myself, and reaffirming promises I made to myself, and understanding more and more that the reasons I have for doing certain things are sound reasons, and I shouldn't test my boundaries. The rules and values I have set for myself are there for a reason....

I know you love me, and I know I can always count on the Goons, and that is a central fact to my life. I would be so lost without the five of you! Where would I be without my super-special, super-elite, very own support group of amazing and talented women? I love you so much!

And I do have friends here. I have Ann, who is a wonderful friend, and this quarter I've been studying/hanging out with Robin, who is pretty cool. I'm not alone in Santa Cruz! But no one could ever take the place of the Goons, maybe because you guys were there when I was (when we all were) young and stupid in high school... And I know you'll still be there when I'm (when we're all) old and stupid.

Loves,
Kara