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Sometimes I don't understand how I got here. Was it just last year that I had sex for the first time? Or was it a thousand centuries ago? Was it ten, twelve years ago that I was in elementary school? Or was it last week? They say time is relative. It seems my memories feel that way too. They all have little time tags on them, saying, "I go here," but if I ignore the time tags, it seems like they're all jumbled up, all happening at the same time. I'm three, stepping on a wasp. I'm seventeen, getting my first kiss. I'm seven, watching kids trick-or-treat at my house from my second-story window while I'm grounded. I'm fifteen, finding out I made it onto the yearbook staff, thrilled with myself, not knowing what's ahead. I'm three, stepping on a crab a day before stepping on the wasp.
This quarter has felt like that. A thousand years long, happening in the last two days. The pain and shock of my grandmother's death is still fresh, and yet I barely remember how I felt when I found out she'd died. It happened twenty minutes ago and twenty years ago. I've kissed two guys this quarter and regretted both of them... Wished it was all in the past, wished it so hard that the memories have already faded, even though both happened in the last month.
I slept with a guy last weekend. I don't know if he reads my lj. If he does, maybe he'll understand what I've been trying to tell him for the past week. If he doesn't, oh well.
I don't know why I did it. I've been so stressed out, so tired, so high-strung. I carry my tension in my shoulders, and for the last two or three months I've had shoulders made of iron. I think it was actually last Wednesday night that something in me snapped. It was too much studying, too much guilt, too much trying to be a good and normal person. My brain went "pop" or "tink" or some other broken computer noise, and I was temporarily hysterical--and in the middle of a review session for a midterm, no less. I took the test Thursday (and got an A, miraculously. I guess all that studying was worth it), but I don't think I really recovered. Saturday night I think I needed a release, needed a way out of everything. I still don't know why I thought having sex would be the best way to deal with things. I think maybe the point was that I wasn't thinking, and that's why I liked being in that moment, and why I let it keep progressing. For a few minutes, it was nice to not be in charge. It was nice to not be in control. It felt good to just let go of things.
Ann yelled at me that night when I told her what I'd done, and at first I couldn't understand why. But she was right, I realized slowly. Sunday I started to feel the first pangs of regret, and by Monday I was even more racked with guilt than I'd been last week. Like I said, I'm not used to not being in control. I gave everything away just to feel good for half an hour, an hour. I let go of all my sensibilities, all my values, all the promises I made to myself, just so I could forget about everything else I've dealt with this quarter. I promised myself I'd never again have sex without love, and there I was, Saturday night, having sex without being in love. I'm not sure how to deal with that. I don't think I've ever directly broken such a firm vow I'd made to myself.
This has nothing to do with the guy. In case you're wondering, he's a great guy. He's smart, he's funny, we had great conversations, and after only hanging out with him for a few hours (no, that was not our first date) I felt like I knew him well. He's sure he's clean, but of his own accord he went and got tested for STD's Tuesday. He's nice. There's very little wrong with him so far. I like him and all. But this has nothing to do with him.
I think I need to never see him again. Like I said, it's not him. I just need to get that huge mistake out of my life. I want to pretend it never happened. I want to pretend I didn't lose control of myself. I want to pretend I'm not capable of such mistakes. I need to believe that I'm a better person than that. I saw the way his housemates looked at me as I was leaving. Their eyes said, "Ah, he SO just scored!" I'm not the kind of girl someone "scores" with. I'm not a tally mark. I'm intelligent and caring and ambitious and a good person, and I deserve better than that. I know I'm not perfect, but I try damn hard.
And it's more than that. I don't want a relationship. I just want to be alone. In past weeks, I've realized more and more that I'm becoming afraid of people. I walked into a crowded room the other day and found myself taking a few deep breaths, because all the people in the room were making me nervous. All those people! So close to me! I couldn't immediately handle it. I've never had anything like that happen to me before. I'm starting to get freaked out when people bump into me on the bus. It's not that I don't want people to touch me. It's just that I don't know how to respond.
I think the biggest reason I don't want to see him again is that I don't want to fall in love with him. I don't have time for a relationship, I don't have time for someone else in my life. I really realized that Saturday night, when we attempted to schedule when we could see each other again (I've since prolonged the meeting, I really do need time to think. If you're reading this, nothing I said to you was a lie). The first good meeting for both of us was sometime more than ten days past Saturday. Stupid. I honestly, honestly do NOT have time for a boyfriend. ANY boyfriend! This guy was the one I WANTED to go out with. If I don't have time for him... I don't have time for anyone. And the stupid, sad thing that he's going to get mad at me for, is that I don't want to make time. I don't want to make that space in my life. I'm not willing to share myself with him. I like my time alone. And... the idea of a relationship scares me stupid.
See, when I dated Jamie, I fell horribly and madly in love with him. I devoted myself to him. I gave him everything I had... and he didn't love me back. It almost destroyed me. I can't go through that again. It's a classic case of once burned, twice shy. I'm still in the first shy part. I don't even have the courage to date someone, let alone fall in love.
I just got horribly distracted, and my thoughts have had a massive Greatest Show On Earth-esque trainwreck all over my keyboard, so I think I give up for tonight. At any rate, for all those of you that posted in confusion to my last entry, thank you and I love you, and this is what that was all about. And if the aforementioned guy is reading this, yes we will talk next week, and no I don't think I'll change my mind, but yes I will think about it more this weekend. To all, DON'T PANIC.
Oh yeah, and I'll be back online Monday night. I hope. Until then, the party's in Reno!
Oh, and a meme for you if you made it this far:
I love looking at people's icons, but I don't always *get* them - I often wonder stuff like, "Who's that guy?" or "Where's that quote from?" but I tend not to ask, for various reasons. So come on, here are my icons. Pick one (or more!) you're curious about, and I'll try to explain it. Or at least explain what I like about it.
This quarter has felt like that. A thousand years long, happening in the last two days. The pain and shock of my grandmother's death is still fresh, and yet I barely remember how I felt when I found out she'd died. It happened twenty minutes ago and twenty years ago. I've kissed two guys this quarter and regretted both of them... Wished it was all in the past, wished it so hard that the memories have already faded, even though both happened in the last month.
I slept with a guy last weekend. I don't know if he reads my lj. If he does, maybe he'll understand what I've been trying to tell him for the past week. If he doesn't, oh well.
I don't know why I did it. I've been so stressed out, so tired, so high-strung. I carry my tension in my shoulders, and for the last two or three months I've had shoulders made of iron. I think it was actually last Wednesday night that something in me snapped. It was too much studying, too much guilt, too much trying to be a good and normal person. My brain went "pop" or "tink" or some other broken computer noise, and I was temporarily hysterical--and in the middle of a review session for a midterm, no less. I took the test Thursday (and got an A, miraculously. I guess all that studying was worth it), but I don't think I really recovered. Saturday night I think I needed a release, needed a way out of everything. I still don't know why I thought having sex would be the best way to deal with things. I think maybe the point was that I wasn't thinking, and that's why I liked being in that moment, and why I let it keep progressing. For a few minutes, it was nice to not be in charge. It was nice to not be in control. It felt good to just let go of things.
Ann yelled at me that night when I told her what I'd done, and at first I couldn't understand why. But she was right, I realized slowly. Sunday I started to feel the first pangs of regret, and by Monday I was even more racked with guilt than I'd been last week. Like I said, I'm not used to not being in control. I gave everything away just to feel good for half an hour, an hour. I let go of all my sensibilities, all my values, all the promises I made to myself, just so I could forget about everything else I've dealt with this quarter. I promised myself I'd never again have sex without love, and there I was, Saturday night, having sex without being in love. I'm not sure how to deal with that. I don't think I've ever directly broken such a firm vow I'd made to myself.
This has nothing to do with the guy. In case you're wondering, he's a great guy. He's smart, he's funny, we had great conversations, and after only hanging out with him for a few hours (no, that was not our first date) I felt like I knew him well. He's sure he's clean, but of his own accord he went and got tested for STD's Tuesday. He's nice. There's very little wrong with him so far. I like him and all. But this has nothing to do with him.
I think I need to never see him again. Like I said, it's not him. I just need to get that huge mistake out of my life. I want to pretend it never happened. I want to pretend I didn't lose control of myself. I want to pretend I'm not capable of such mistakes. I need to believe that I'm a better person than that. I saw the way his housemates looked at me as I was leaving. Their eyes said, "Ah, he SO just scored!" I'm not the kind of girl someone "scores" with. I'm not a tally mark. I'm intelligent and caring and ambitious and a good person, and I deserve better than that. I know I'm not perfect, but I try damn hard.
And it's more than that. I don't want a relationship. I just want to be alone. In past weeks, I've realized more and more that I'm becoming afraid of people. I walked into a crowded room the other day and found myself taking a few deep breaths, because all the people in the room were making me nervous. All those people! So close to me! I couldn't immediately handle it. I've never had anything like that happen to me before. I'm starting to get freaked out when people bump into me on the bus. It's not that I don't want people to touch me. It's just that I don't know how to respond.
I think the biggest reason I don't want to see him again is that I don't want to fall in love with him. I don't have time for a relationship, I don't have time for someone else in my life. I really realized that Saturday night, when we attempted to schedule when we could see each other again (I've since prolonged the meeting, I really do need time to think. If you're reading this, nothing I said to you was a lie). The first good meeting for both of us was sometime more than ten days past Saturday. Stupid. I honestly, honestly do NOT have time for a boyfriend. ANY boyfriend! This guy was the one I WANTED to go out with. If I don't have time for him... I don't have time for anyone. And the stupid, sad thing that he's going to get mad at me for, is that I don't want to make time. I don't want to make that space in my life. I'm not willing to share myself with him. I like my time alone. And... the idea of a relationship scares me stupid.
See, when I dated Jamie, I fell horribly and madly in love with him. I devoted myself to him. I gave him everything I had... and he didn't love me back. It almost destroyed me. I can't go through that again. It's a classic case of once burned, twice shy. I'm still in the first shy part. I don't even have the courage to date someone, let alone fall in love.
I just got horribly distracted, and my thoughts have had a massive Greatest Show On Earth-esque trainwreck all over my keyboard, so I think I give up for tonight. At any rate, for all those of you that posted in confusion to my last entry, thank you and I love you, and this is what that was all about. And if the aforementioned guy is reading this, yes we will talk next week, and no I don't think I'll change my mind, but yes I will think about it more this weekend. To all, DON'T PANIC.
Oh yeah, and I'll be back online Monday night. I hope. Until then, the party's in Reno!
Oh, and a meme for you if you made it this far:
I love looking at people's icons, but I don't always *get* them - I often wonder stuff like, "Who's that guy?" or "Where's that quote from?" but I tend not to ask, for various reasons. So come on, here are my icons. Pick one (or more!) you're curious about, and I'll try to explain it. Or at least explain what I like about it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Re: *sigh*
Date: 2005-03-07 07:23 pm (UTC)From:I still don't think I'm going to pursue anything with this guy. It's just not right. It doesn't feel right. And I need to be alone. For the past year I've been establishing that I know how to be alone, that I can be independent, and I don't feel like those are concrete statements yet. I want to keep being alone and independent to make sure I retain those skills throughout my life. I never want to be dependent on a man. Ever again. For my happiness, my livelihood, my finances, or anything else. So this guy isn't going to get a chance to date me whether he deserves one or not. I deserve to be able to call the shots in my own life, and I made a mistake with him, but I still deserve to have the right to stay single. It's not like medieval times when you had sex, got someone pregnant, and got married. I didn't get him pregnant, and I'm not marrying him. I'm not obligated to him.
I'll be okay. I'm recovering from this quarter and am taking a lighter load next quarter. My life is still my own and I'm learning more and more about myself, and reaffirming promises I made to myself, and understanding more and more that the reasons I have for doing certain things are sound reasons, and I shouldn't test my boundaries. The rules and values I have set for myself are there for a reason....
I know you love me, and I know I can always count on the Goons, and that is a central fact to my life. I would be so lost without the five of you! Where would I be without my super-special, super-elite, very own support group of amazing and talented women? I love you so much!
And I do have friends here. I have Ann, who is a wonderful friend, and this quarter I've been studying/hanging out with Robin, who is pretty cool. I'm not alone in Santa Cruz! But no one could ever take the place of the Goons, maybe because you guys were there when I was (when we all were) young and stupid in high school... And I know you'll still be there when I'm (when we're all) old and stupid.
Loves,
Kara