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Sometimes I don't understand how I got here. Was it just last year that I had sex for the first time? Or was it a thousand centuries ago? Was it ten, twelve years ago that I was in elementary school? Or was it last week? They say time is relative. It seems my memories feel that way too. They all have little time tags on them, saying, "I go here," but if I ignore the time tags, it seems like they're all jumbled up, all happening at the same time. I'm three, stepping on a wasp. I'm seventeen, getting my first kiss. I'm seven, watching kids trick-or-treat at my house from my second-story window while I'm grounded. I'm fifteen, finding out I made it onto the yearbook staff, thrilled with myself, not knowing what's ahead. I'm three, stepping on a crab a day before stepping on the wasp.
This quarter has felt like that. A thousand years long, happening in the last two days. The pain and shock of my grandmother's death is still fresh, and yet I barely remember how I felt when I found out she'd died. It happened twenty minutes ago and twenty years ago. I've kissed two guys this quarter and regretted both of them... Wished it was all in the past, wished it so hard that the memories have already faded, even though both happened in the last month.
I slept with a guy last weekend. I don't know if he reads my lj. If he does, maybe he'll understand what I've been trying to tell him for the past week. If he doesn't, oh well.
I don't know why I did it. I've been so stressed out, so tired, so high-strung. I carry my tension in my shoulders, and for the last two or three months I've had shoulders made of iron. I think it was actually last Wednesday night that something in me snapped. It was too much studying, too much guilt, too much trying to be a good and normal person. My brain went "pop" or "tink" or some other broken computer noise, and I was temporarily hysterical--and in the middle of a review session for a midterm, no less. I took the test Thursday (and got an A, miraculously. I guess all that studying was worth it), but I don't think I really recovered. Saturday night I think I needed a release, needed a way out of everything. I still don't know why I thought having sex would be the best way to deal with things. I think maybe the point was that I wasn't thinking, and that's why I liked being in that moment, and why I let it keep progressing. For a few minutes, it was nice to not be in charge. It was nice to not be in control. It felt good to just let go of things.
Ann yelled at me that night when I told her what I'd done, and at first I couldn't understand why. But she was right, I realized slowly. Sunday I started to feel the first pangs of regret, and by Monday I was even more racked with guilt than I'd been last week. Like I said, I'm not used to not being in control. I gave everything away just to feel good for half an hour, an hour. I let go of all my sensibilities, all my values, all the promises I made to myself, just so I could forget about everything else I've dealt with this quarter. I promised myself I'd never again have sex without love, and there I was, Saturday night, having sex without being in love. I'm not sure how to deal with that. I don't think I've ever directly broken such a firm vow I'd made to myself.
This has nothing to do with the guy. In case you're wondering, he's a great guy. He's smart, he's funny, we had great conversations, and after only hanging out with him for a few hours (no, that was not our first date) I felt like I knew him well. He's sure he's clean, but of his own accord he went and got tested for STD's Tuesday. He's nice. There's very little wrong with him so far. I like him and all. But this has nothing to do with him.
I think I need to never see him again. Like I said, it's not him. I just need to get that huge mistake out of my life. I want to pretend it never happened. I want to pretend I didn't lose control of myself. I want to pretend I'm not capable of such mistakes. I need to believe that I'm a better person than that. I saw the way his housemates looked at me as I was leaving. Their eyes said, "Ah, he SO just scored!" I'm not the kind of girl someone "scores" with. I'm not a tally mark. I'm intelligent and caring and ambitious and a good person, and I deserve better than that. I know I'm not perfect, but I try damn hard.
And it's more than that. I don't want a relationship. I just want to be alone. In past weeks, I've realized more and more that I'm becoming afraid of people. I walked into a crowded room the other day and found myself taking a few deep breaths, because all the people in the room were making me nervous. All those people! So close to me! I couldn't immediately handle it. I've never had anything like that happen to me before. I'm starting to get freaked out when people bump into me on the bus. It's not that I don't want people to touch me. It's just that I don't know how to respond.
I think the biggest reason I don't want to see him again is that I don't want to fall in love with him. I don't have time for a relationship, I don't have time for someone else in my life. I really realized that Saturday night, when we attempted to schedule when we could see each other again (I've since prolonged the meeting, I really do need time to think. If you're reading this, nothing I said to you was a lie). The first good meeting for both of us was sometime more than ten days past Saturday. Stupid. I honestly, honestly do NOT have time for a boyfriend. ANY boyfriend! This guy was the one I WANTED to go out with. If I don't have time for him... I don't have time for anyone. And the stupid, sad thing that he's going to get mad at me for, is that I don't want to make time. I don't want to make that space in my life. I'm not willing to share myself with him. I like my time alone. And... the idea of a relationship scares me stupid.
See, when I dated Jamie, I fell horribly and madly in love with him. I devoted myself to him. I gave him everything I had... and he didn't love me back. It almost destroyed me. I can't go through that again. It's a classic case of once burned, twice shy. I'm still in the first shy part. I don't even have the courage to date someone, let alone fall in love.
I just got horribly distracted, and my thoughts have had a massive Greatest Show On Earth-esque trainwreck all over my keyboard, so I think I give up for tonight. At any rate, for all those of you that posted in confusion to my last entry, thank you and I love you, and this is what that was all about. And if the aforementioned guy is reading this, yes we will talk next week, and no I don't think I'll change my mind, but yes I will think about it more this weekend. To all, DON'T PANIC.
Oh yeah, and I'll be back online Monday night. I hope. Until then, the party's in Reno!
Oh, and a meme for you if you made it this far:
I love looking at people's icons, but I don't always *get* them - I often wonder stuff like, "Who's that guy?" or "Where's that quote from?" but I tend not to ask, for various reasons. So come on, here are my icons. Pick one (or more!) you're curious about, and I'll try to explain it. Or at least explain what I like about it.
This quarter has felt like that. A thousand years long, happening in the last two days. The pain and shock of my grandmother's death is still fresh, and yet I barely remember how I felt when I found out she'd died. It happened twenty minutes ago and twenty years ago. I've kissed two guys this quarter and regretted both of them... Wished it was all in the past, wished it so hard that the memories have already faded, even though both happened in the last month.
I slept with a guy last weekend. I don't know if he reads my lj. If he does, maybe he'll understand what I've been trying to tell him for the past week. If he doesn't, oh well.
I don't know why I did it. I've been so stressed out, so tired, so high-strung. I carry my tension in my shoulders, and for the last two or three months I've had shoulders made of iron. I think it was actually last Wednesday night that something in me snapped. It was too much studying, too much guilt, too much trying to be a good and normal person. My brain went "pop" or "tink" or some other broken computer noise, and I was temporarily hysterical--and in the middle of a review session for a midterm, no less. I took the test Thursday (and got an A, miraculously. I guess all that studying was worth it), but I don't think I really recovered. Saturday night I think I needed a release, needed a way out of everything. I still don't know why I thought having sex would be the best way to deal with things. I think maybe the point was that I wasn't thinking, and that's why I liked being in that moment, and why I let it keep progressing. For a few minutes, it was nice to not be in charge. It was nice to not be in control. It felt good to just let go of things.
Ann yelled at me that night when I told her what I'd done, and at first I couldn't understand why. But she was right, I realized slowly. Sunday I started to feel the first pangs of regret, and by Monday I was even more racked with guilt than I'd been last week. Like I said, I'm not used to not being in control. I gave everything away just to feel good for half an hour, an hour. I let go of all my sensibilities, all my values, all the promises I made to myself, just so I could forget about everything else I've dealt with this quarter. I promised myself I'd never again have sex without love, and there I was, Saturday night, having sex without being in love. I'm not sure how to deal with that. I don't think I've ever directly broken such a firm vow I'd made to myself.
This has nothing to do with the guy. In case you're wondering, he's a great guy. He's smart, he's funny, we had great conversations, and after only hanging out with him for a few hours (no, that was not our first date) I felt like I knew him well. He's sure he's clean, but of his own accord he went and got tested for STD's Tuesday. He's nice. There's very little wrong with him so far. I like him and all. But this has nothing to do with him.
I think I need to never see him again. Like I said, it's not him. I just need to get that huge mistake out of my life. I want to pretend it never happened. I want to pretend I didn't lose control of myself. I want to pretend I'm not capable of such mistakes. I need to believe that I'm a better person than that. I saw the way his housemates looked at me as I was leaving. Their eyes said, "Ah, he SO just scored!" I'm not the kind of girl someone "scores" with. I'm not a tally mark. I'm intelligent and caring and ambitious and a good person, and I deserve better than that. I know I'm not perfect, but I try damn hard.
And it's more than that. I don't want a relationship. I just want to be alone. In past weeks, I've realized more and more that I'm becoming afraid of people. I walked into a crowded room the other day and found myself taking a few deep breaths, because all the people in the room were making me nervous. All those people! So close to me! I couldn't immediately handle it. I've never had anything like that happen to me before. I'm starting to get freaked out when people bump into me on the bus. It's not that I don't want people to touch me. It's just that I don't know how to respond.
I think the biggest reason I don't want to see him again is that I don't want to fall in love with him. I don't have time for a relationship, I don't have time for someone else in my life. I really realized that Saturday night, when we attempted to schedule when we could see each other again (I've since prolonged the meeting, I really do need time to think. If you're reading this, nothing I said to you was a lie). The first good meeting for both of us was sometime more than ten days past Saturday. Stupid. I honestly, honestly do NOT have time for a boyfriend. ANY boyfriend! This guy was the one I WANTED to go out with. If I don't have time for him... I don't have time for anyone. And the stupid, sad thing that he's going to get mad at me for, is that I don't want to make time. I don't want to make that space in my life. I'm not willing to share myself with him. I like my time alone. And... the idea of a relationship scares me stupid.
See, when I dated Jamie, I fell horribly and madly in love with him. I devoted myself to him. I gave him everything I had... and he didn't love me back. It almost destroyed me. I can't go through that again. It's a classic case of once burned, twice shy. I'm still in the first shy part. I don't even have the courage to date someone, let alone fall in love.
I just got horribly distracted, and my thoughts have had a massive Greatest Show On Earth-esque trainwreck all over my keyboard, so I think I give up for tonight. At any rate, for all those of you that posted in confusion to my last entry, thank you and I love you, and this is what that was all about. And if the aforementioned guy is reading this, yes we will talk next week, and no I don't think I'll change my mind, but yes I will think about it more this weekend. To all, DON'T PANIC.
Oh yeah, and I'll be back online Monday night. I hope. Until then, the party's in Reno!
Oh, and a meme for you if you made it this far:
I love looking at people's icons, but I don't always *get* them - I often wonder stuff like, "Who's that guy?" or "Where's that quote from?" but I tend not to ask, for various reasons. So come on, here are my icons. Pick one (or more!) you're curious about, and I'll try to explain it. Or at least explain what I like about it.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-03-04 08:30 am (UTC)From:if you really like this guy, and he likes you, then he should be willing to work it out with you. love isn't perfect, but it is true and unyeilding when you do find it.
i know how you feel about what you went through with jamie... i gave chris everything i had and i (sometimes) feel like he didn't give me his all in return. it nearly destroyed me too. :|
just know that you have strong friendships that will always be there for you. and we love you!
*HUGS*
no subject
Date: 2005-03-04 08:30 am (UTC)From:If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now. Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth.
Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. Do one thing every day that scares you. Sing. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts.
Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Floss. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how. Keep your old love letters.
Throw away your old bank statements. Stretch. Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't. Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone. Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's. Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own. Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room. Read the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel. Accept certain inalienable truths:
Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders. Respect your elders. Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out. Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85. Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth. But trust me on the sunscreen.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-07 07:16 pm (UTC)From:Thank you for the support, and for the song! It was good to see you this weekend. I cna't wait until our girls' night out in two weeks!
Love ya.