(no subject)

[oceantheorem]

THIS ISN'T WORKING!

I don't understand all of this. I've done everything I can to get over him, to forget him, to convince myself that I deserve better, that he was mean to me, that he never really loved me, that he was a horrible person and I need to move on because he was hurting me.

But none of it's true! I think he did love me. And he wasn't any meaner to me than he was to anyone else. He isn't a horrible person. He's smart and funny and gorgeous and he did love me. And he wasn't hurting me until I tried to demand commitment from him, when we'd both agreed at the beginning that there wasn't going to be any commitment, that it couldn't last forever. It's not all his fault, and it's not working trying to make myself think that it was. I'm doing something wrong! If I was going about this the right way, it wouldn't be four months later with me sitting here crying and wondering what the hell happened. I miss him. It hurts. I want him back and I don't know why I can't convince myself that I don't want him back. What have I not tried? Don't tell me I need to get a new boyfriend. I've tried that so many times since we broke up. I've kissed two different guys since I broke up with Jamie. Jamie was Guy Kissed #3 and now I'm at 5, and it hasn't made a difference. So picking up and moving on hasn't worked. Dwelling on him hasn't worked. What the hell am I supposed to do?

Maybe... maybe "he was mean to me" can work. I've tried that a lot, and sometimes it serves to make me angry and then I don't hurt anymore. The problem is, sometimes I think, "why was he mean to me?" and then I start to feel inadequate and stupid and fat and ugly, and I remember how when he looked at me I felt beautiful and how he used to tell me I was pretty. I'm missing something. I'm sitting here crying and I'm missing something. What am I doing wrong? Help!

Jamie. I don't know if you read this. I don't even know what I would say to you if I had your attention. I miss you. I don't know if I think we should try again. I know it wouldn't last forever, and then I'd have to do this again. But I don't know how I can be on the same campus as you without having you in my life, and I don't know how I could have you in my life without wanting you in my arms.

I can't do this! I can't move on and I can't go back! I'm stuck at this stupid intermediate alone and partially broken stage!

Why does this hurt so much?

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

The only way I've ever been able to even begin to get over someone is by recognizing that something about them really, really pisses me off. Then I can take the moral high ground and believe that I'm better off not having anything to do with such a horrible person who has this quality that I find so offensive.

Cases in point:

High-school sweetheart: I decided that she was a wanton flirty bitch who'd end up ruining any man she was with, and decided I was better off without her. Got over her about two years later.

Pre-college sweetheart: I realized that she didn't care about me the way I thought she did, and she never would care about anyone as strongly as anyone would care about her, and so I figured that she'll end up in a series of meaningless relationships where the "bottom" of them isn't deep at all, and therefore I'm better off without her. Got over her three years later.

College sweetheart: This one I'm still working on. I'm trying to convince myself that she'll end up unhappily married with children, just like her mother, because she chases the wrong sort of guy just like her mother did, but it's not quite working because if she does end up happy with the guy who came after me, I'll be pretty distraught. Have not, to date, gotten over her.


I should also point out that I've reconciled with the first two around the times when I finally got over both of them, and was their friend for a while after that until we eventually grew apart naturally. I have a feeling that this most recent one is going to take some doing. I need to get away from the internet so that I can't keep tabs on her.

In any case. Getting over people sucks, especially when they meant the world to you.

That said, we should get a cup of coffee sometime, see how we're both doing. Co-miserating is in order, even if I'm mostly a stranger. Frankly I think you're clever enough to figure out who I am even if I don't leave a name. IM me sometime?

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

I have a couple of guesses. The one I think is probably correct is that you're John. You could be Jamus but that seems less likely. And what other guys do I know that have my screen name or e-mail address and would thus be able to find my livejournal? And there are a few other people I can think of that you could be, but I don't have their IM names, so it couldn't be either of them, because they know I can't IM them. I say you're John.

Yeah, coffee would be good. I'll IM you next time I see you online.

If you're not John, I'll feel silly, but I should probably IM John just to catch up anyway.

Anyway.

...
Yeah, I'm convinced. You couldn't possibly be anyone else, unless I'm a complete idiot.

[(Anonymous)]

... and here I was thinking that it would be at least a little difficult.