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Sorry about the cryptic entry earlier. I wasn't quite sure how to describe the events of last night. I'm still not quite sure how I feel about the events of last night.
But first, a quick recap of things since I wrote on Sunday. I talked to Lyla for a really long time. We had an actual conversation for the first time in who knows how long. It was a really, really good conversation, and I felt like we even came to some philosophical conclusions about life and the order of the universe. I felt much better afterward. We also discussed George a little bit, and I started to let go of the pain that still seems to stab through me every time I think about him. Lyla asked me what I'd say to him if I could talk to him one last time. I said that first I'd slap him, and then I'd probably tell him that I enjoyed being his friend and I miss him and I would have liked to say goodbye.
I took a long nap Saturday evening and had a really messed-up dream about rotations. I dreamt I was rotating in an RNA lab, and I started doing some sort of easy procedure. One of the older grad students in the lab yelled at me for pipetting over something I shouldn't have been pipetting over, or for using the wrong reagents in the wrong part of the lab, or something. I yelled back that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that this was a very basic procedure that I'd done hundreds of times before and I knew I was doing it safely. The other student insisted, and suddenly they were threatening to terminate my rotation. So I backed down, and apologized (even though I knew I was right), and asked if they'd give me a second chance and let me walk through the procedure using colored water, so they could watch me and make sure I did it safely. They agreed, and got me some microfuge tubes filled with colored water, and I started working. And then somehow the autoclave was on the ground smoking, and it was my fault. I tried to climb up some shelves to escape. A couple of my classmates started rotations in the lab at the same time I did, and as I ran to the shelves to climb them, I saw one of them sitting at a bench watching a detailed procedure on a podcast. He was doing surgery off a podcast! On his first day! I freaked out and started screaming, and everyone in the lab started screaming at me, and I was in huge amounts of trouble even though I knew I'd done nothing wrong...
And then I was walking down a path toward a Halloween store, and all of a sudden Shannon was with me, and stopped walking to pull a unicorn costume out of her backpack, which she then put on. Once it was on, she galloped away and left me alone.
I woke up really, really freaked out.
Yesterday I went to lab and classes and got virtually no real work done. I watched a movie, one of those movies that makes you sort of discover new things about yourself and look at your environment in a slightly different way. Then I checked my email, and I had a message from Lyla. She'd emailed George telling him what I'd wanted to say, and he'd emailed back with a short explanation and apology for not speaking to me for 14 months, and said he'd like to be friends again. Lyla forwarded the email to me.
I did not react the way I would have expected. In retrospect, a normal reaction would have been to either get mad, or get really happy. I did neither. I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of my living room. I sat down and sobbed hysterically, and I have no idea why. I just couldn't stop crying--and I haven't cried in so long, I couldn't even remember how long a normal cry for me is, or how to make it stop. I finally realized I was going to hurt myself if I didn't stop crying, so I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face until I could breathe again.
No, that was definitely not the reaction I would have expected.
I called him, and we spoke for about four minutes, and agreed that he would call me Saturday. I got off the phone and realized I was completely numb and in shock. There's just way too much emotion associated with him. Even though I haven't been in love with him in, what, two years? He was my best friend for a long, long time. Not just my best friend, but somehow also an integral part of me. I don't really believe in the whole soulmate thing, but if I did he'd be one of mine. There's no other explanation for the way I feel about him. I definitely love him in a way I've never loved anyone else, and there's this weird feeling that, even though I'll marry someone else eventually (if I marry at all), and have a family (maybe), and maybe even live on a separate coast from him, it's important to have him in my life. He's somehow Just. Supposed. To be there. It's been weird the last 14 months without him. Really weird.
But how do you pick up a friendship again after so long? And especially one that was so vitally important to me? How do I convey the last year to him? I applied to grad school, got into grad school, moved across the country, had two complete serious relationships rise and fall, turned 21, started climbing, and so on and so on. What has he been up to? Is it possible to bridge that 14 months?
Anyway. I woke up this morning sort of shaken. I actually slept through my alarm and was a few minutes late to lab, but I still managed to get a lot done today. We had lab meeting, too, and for the first time I realized that lab meeting doesn't have to be synonymous with "death walk." You're not supposed to feel like you'd rather jam your pen through the back of your hand than attend lab meeting. You're not supposed to feel nauseous when you think about going to lab. Why didn't I change thesis labs at UCSC? I knew I was miserable, why didn't I change? Things can be so much better....
Lots of homework to do. I guess I'd better go get some work done.
Gilmores tonight.
But first, a quick recap of things since I wrote on Sunday. I talked to Lyla for a really long time. We had an actual conversation for the first time in who knows how long. It was a really, really good conversation, and I felt like we even came to some philosophical conclusions about life and the order of the universe. I felt much better afterward. We also discussed George a little bit, and I started to let go of the pain that still seems to stab through me every time I think about him. Lyla asked me what I'd say to him if I could talk to him one last time. I said that first I'd slap him, and then I'd probably tell him that I enjoyed being his friend and I miss him and I would have liked to say goodbye.
I took a long nap Saturday evening and had a really messed-up dream about rotations. I dreamt I was rotating in an RNA lab, and I started doing some sort of easy procedure. One of the older grad students in the lab yelled at me for pipetting over something I shouldn't have been pipetting over, or for using the wrong reagents in the wrong part of the lab, or something. I yelled back that I wasn't doing anything wrong, that this was a very basic procedure that I'd done hundreds of times before and I knew I was doing it safely. The other student insisted, and suddenly they were threatening to terminate my rotation. So I backed down, and apologized (even though I knew I was right), and asked if they'd give me a second chance and let me walk through the procedure using colored water, so they could watch me and make sure I did it safely. They agreed, and got me some microfuge tubes filled with colored water, and I started working. And then somehow the autoclave was on the ground smoking, and it was my fault. I tried to climb up some shelves to escape. A couple of my classmates started rotations in the lab at the same time I did, and as I ran to the shelves to climb them, I saw one of them sitting at a bench watching a detailed procedure on a podcast. He was doing surgery off a podcast! On his first day! I freaked out and started screaming, and everyone in the lab started screaming at me, and I was in huge amounts of trouble even though I knew I'd done nothing wrong...
And then I was walking down a path toward a Halloween store, and all of a sudden Shannon was with me, and stopped walking to pull a unicorn costume out of her backpack, which she then put on. Once it was on, she galloped away and left me alone.
I woke up really, really freaked out.
Yesterday I went to lab and classes and got virtually no real work done. I watched a movie, one of those movies that makes you sort of discover new things about yourself and look at your environment in a slightly different way. Then I checked my email, and I had a message from Lyla. She'd emailed George telling him what I'd wanted to say, and he'd emailed back with a short explanation and apology for not speaking to me for 14 months, and said he'd like to be friends again. Lyla forwarded the email to me.
I did not react the way I would have expected. In retrospect, a normal reaction would have been to either get mad, or get really happy. I did neither. I had a nervous breakdown in the middle of my living room. I sat down and sobbed hysterically, and I have no idea why. I just couldn't stop crying--and I haven't cried in so long, I couldn't even remember how long a normal cry for me is, or how to make it stop. I finally realized I was going to hurt myself if I didn't stop crying, so I went into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face until I could breathe again.
No, that was definitely not the reaction I would have expected.
I called him, and we spoke for about four minutes, and agreed that he would call me Saturday. I got off the phone and realized I was completely numb and in shock. There's just way too much emotion associated with him. Even though I haven't been in love with him in, what, two years? He was my best friend for a long, long time. Not just my best friend, but somehow also an integral part of me. I don't really believe in the whole soulmate thing, but if I did he'd be one of mine. There's no other explanation for the way I feel about him. I definitely love him in a way I've never loved anyone else, and there's this weird feeling that, even though I'll marry someone else eventually (if I marry at all), and have a family (maybe), and maybe even live on a separate coast from him, it's important to have him in my life. He's somehow Just. Supposed. To be there. It's been weird the last 14 months without him. Really weird.
But how do you pick up a friendship again after so long? And especially one that was so vitally important to me? How do I convey the last year to him? I applied to grad school, got into grad school, moved across the country, had two complete serious relationships rise and fall, turned 21, started climbing, and so on and so on. What has he been up to? Is it possible to bridge that 14 months?
Anyway. I woke up this morning sort of shaken. I actually slept through my alarm and was a few minutes late to lab, but I still managed to get a lot done today. We had lab meeting, too, and for the first time I realized that lab meeting doesn't have to be synonymous with "death walk." You're not supposed to feel like you'd rather jam your pen through the back of your hand than attend lab meeting. You're not supposed to feel nauseous when you think about going to lab. Why didn't I change thesis labs at UCSC? I knew I was miserable, why didn't I change? Things can be so much better....
Lots of homework to do. I guess I'd better go get some work done.
Gilmores tonight.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-10-10 09:21 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-10-10 10:54 pm (UTC)From:And yeah, dating can be miserable.
no subject
Date: 2006-10-11 09:10 am (UTC)From:If you need anyone to talk to, feel free to hit me up.
peaaaaaace
-E