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What would HAPPEN if I took a year off before grad school? Or didn't go? Would the world explode? Would my life fall apart? Would the debt swallow me? No... No... Maybe.
I want to go and SEE things, and live life, and have time to go to bars and sleep in late and have an awful 9 to 5 job. I want time to wish I was in grad school, I want time to realize I was stupid to have left. I know, I know, I'll just get out there and hate it and long for the chance to be back in a research lab... But I WANT that.
Or maybe I just want to feel like I have a choice. Right now... I have to go because of a long list of things. A) I'll lose my annuity of $384/month if I stop going to school. B) To get a good-paying job in any biology-related field, even biochem, you need a Ph.D. C) If I stop going to school I have to start paying my loans back. D) I have $60,000 out in loans and I might need 10 more before I graduate. And the interest... oh God, the interest. 8%. On all $60K. Maybe if I could just feel like grad school was my idea, and not a conglomeration of forces pushing me towards an inevitability leading to a "good life," I'd feel better about the whole thing. There ARE things I want. I want to keep learning, I want to do research, I want to expand mankind's pool of knowledge, I want to DO something. But I also want to feel like I'm in control of my own life. I want to know that what I'm doing isn't just something someone else wanted or led me into. I want to know that what I do matters and that what I WANT matters and that who I AM matters.
Ugh. I'm just so SICK of worrying about all of this, and not knowing what I'm doing, and having absolutely zilch guidance or assurance. I keep hearing "You can do this," or "We're so proud of you," but that doesn't do me one iota of good. How does that help? I don't need encouragement, I need help studying for the GRE. I need to know how to navigate Oxford's website. I need to know how to plan an experiment. I need to know how to write a scientific paper. I need drive and passion. I need to know how to apply for a loan that's not going to screw me over for the rest of my life. I need a close, tight-knit group of friends I can lean on in hard times and get drunk with in great times. I need to be able to take off for a weekend and do stupid things, and come back and get A's during the week because I have enough motivation to study. I have none of these things. I have nothing left inside of me. I can't do this on my own, and I'm completely alone. I am walking into the world of graduate school alone and unarmed, underage and waaaay ahead of myself developmentally. To whom do I turn? Who's going to hold my hand and tell me what to do? No one... and am I too young to accept that? Mentally?
I want to go and SEE things, and live life, and have time to go to bars and sleep in late and have an awful 9 to 5 job. I want time to wish I was in grad school, I want time to realize I was stupid to have left. I know, I know, I'll just get out there and hate it and long for the chance to be back in a research lab... But I WANT that.
Or maybe I just want to feel like I have a choice. Right now... I have to go because of a long list of things. A) I'll lose my annuity of $384/month if I stop going to school. B) To get a good-paying job in any biology-related field, even biochem, you need a Ph.D. C) If I stop going to school I have to start paying my loans back. D) I have $60,000 out in loans and I might need 10 more before I graduate. And the interest... oh God, the interest. 8%. On all $60K. Maybe if I could just feel like grad school was my idea, and not a conglomeration of forces pushing me towards an inevitability leading to a "good life," I'd feel better about the whole thing. There ARE things I want. I want to keep learning, I want to do research, I want to expand mankind's pool of knowledge, I want to DO something. But I also want to feel like I'm in control of my own life. I want to know that what I'm doing isn't just something someone else wanted or led me into. I want to know that what I do matters and that what I WANT matters and that who I AM matters.
Ugh. I'm just so SICK of worrying about all of this, and not knowing what I'm doing, and having absolutely zilch guidance or assurance. I keep hearing "You can do this," or "We're so proud of you," but that doesn't do me one iota of good. How does that help? I don't need encouragement, I need help studying for the GRE. I need to know how to navigate Oxford's website. I need to know how to plan an experiment. I need to know how to write a scientific paper. I need drive and passion. I need to know how to apply for a loan that's not going to screw me over for the rest of my life. I need a close, tight-knit group of friends I can lean on in hard times and get drunk with in great times. I need to be able to take off for a weekend and do stupid things, and come back and get A's during the week because I have enough motivation to study. I have none of these things. I have nothing left inside of me. I can't do this on my own, and I'm completely alone. I am walking into the world of graduate school alone and unarmed, underage and waaaay ahead of myself developmentally. To whom do I turn? Who's going to hold my hand and tell me what to do? No one... and am I too young to accept that? Mentally?
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Date: 2005-09-09 09:18 am (UTC)From:waffles!
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Date: 2005-09-09 09:19 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 09:41 am (UTC)From:You remember that time I went to the water machine?
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Date: 2005-09-09 09:55 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 10:07 am (UTC)From: