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What would HAPPEN if I took a year off before grad school? Or didn't go? Would the world explode? Would my life fall apart? Would the debt swallow me? No... No... Maybe.
I want to go and SEE things, and live life, and have time to go to bars and sleep in late and have an awful 9 to 5 job. I want time to wish I was in grad school, I want time to realize I was stupid to have left. I know, I know, I'll just get out there and hate it and long for the chance to be back in a research lab... But I WANT that.
Or maybe I just want to feel like I have a choice. Right now... I have to go because of a long list of things. A) I'll lose my annuity of $384/month if I stop going to school. B) To get a good-paying job in any biology-related field, even biochem, you need a Ph.D. C) If I stop going to school I have to start paying my loans back. D) I have $60,000 out in loans and I might need 10 more before I graduate. And the interest... oh God, the interest. 8%. On all $60K. Maybe if I could just feel like grad school was my idea, and not a conglomeration of forces pushing me towards an inevitability leading to a "good life," I'd feel better about the whole thing. There ARE things I want. I want to keep learning, I want to do research, I want to expand mankind's pool of knowledge, I want to DO something. But I also want to feel like I'm in control of my own life. I want to know that what I'm doing isn't just something someone else wanted or led me into. I want to know that what I do matters and that what I WANT matters and that who I AM matters.
Ugh. I'm just so SICK of worrying about all of this, and not knowing what I'm doing, and having absolutely zilch guidance or assurance. I keep hearing "You can do this," or "We're so proud of you," but that doesn't do me one iota of good. How does that help? I don't need encouragement, I need help studying for the GRE. I need to know how to navigate Oxford's website. I need to know how to plan an experiment. I need to know how to write a scientific paper. I need drive and passion. I need to know how to apply for a loan that's not going to screw me over for the rest of my life. I need a close, tight-knit group of friends I can lean on in hard times and get drunk with in great times. I need to be able to take off for a weekend and do stupid things, and come back and get A's during the week because I have enough motivation to study. I have none of these things. I have nothing left inside of me. I can't do this on my own, and I'm completely alone. I am walking into the world of graduate school alone and unarmed, underage and waaaay ahead of myself developmentally. To whom do I turn? Who's going to hold my hand and tell me what to do? No one... and am I too young to accept that? Mentally?
I want to go and SEE things, and live life, and have time to go to bars and sleep in late and have an awful 9 to 5 job. I want time to wish I was in grad school, I want time to realize I was stupid to have left. I know, I know, I'll just get out there and hate it and long for the chance to be back in a research lab... But I WANT that.
Or maybe I just want to feel like I have a choice. Right now... I have to go because of a long list of things. A) I'll lose my annuity of $384/month if I stop going to school. B) To get a good-paying job in any biology-related field, even biochem, you need a Ph.D. C) If I stop going to school I have to start paying my loans back. D) I have $60,000 out in loans and I might need 10 more before I graduate. And the interest... oh God, the interest. 8%. On all $60K. Maybe if I could just feel like grad school was my idea, and not a conglomeration of forces pushing me towards an inevitability leading to a "good life," I'd feel better about the whole thing. There ARE things I want. I want to keep learning, I want to do research, I want to expand mankind's pool of knowledge, I want to DO something. But I also want to feel like I'm in control of my own life. I want to know that what I'm doing isn't just something someone else wanted or led me into. I want to know that what I do matters and that what I WANT matters and that who I AM matters.
Ugh. I'm just so SICK of worrying about all of this, and not knowing what I'm doing, and having absolutely zilch guidance or assurance. I keep hearing "You can do this," or "We're so proud of you," but that doesn't do me one iota of good. How does that help? I don't need encouragement, I need help studying for the GRE. I need to know how to navigate Oxford's website. I need to know how to plan an experiment. I need to know how to write a scientific paper. I need drive and passion. I need to know how to apply for a loan that's not going to screw me over for the rest of my life. I need a close, tight-knit group of friends I can lean on in hard times and get drunk with in great times. I need to be able to take off for a weekend and do stupid things, and come back and get A's during the week because I have enough motivation to study. I have none of these things. I have nothing left inside of me. I can't do this on my own, and I'm completely alone. I am walking into the world of graduate school alone and unarmed, underage and waaaay ahead of myself developmentally. To whom do I turn? Who's going to hold my hand and tell me what to do? No one... and am I too young to accept that? Mentally?
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no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 09:18 am (UTC)From:waffles!
no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 09:19 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 09:41 am (UTC)From:You remember that time I went to the water machine?
no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 09:55 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 10:07 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2005-09-09 10:34 pm (UTC)From:And I think you have more friends than you know. And I'm always here if you need to rant to someone. That does help sometimes.
I'll ask around about GRE prep stuff. You've probably already found whatever I might find, but it's worth a shot.
Maybe you need a weekend trip to Reno! We'd love to see you! ;-D