(no subject)

I'm a perpetual disaster. And I think I might be incapable of falling in love again. I still love people I loved before Jamie, but in the year and a half since we broke up, I haven't been able to find any new love, romantic or otherwise. The loving part of my heart has shut down. If I want love I have to reach all the way back to before college.... How do I fix that? I tried with Nick and the experiment was an utter failure.
I think we broke up yesterday. I'm not exactly sure what happened or what we are now, but I'm numb about the whole thing. I feel lost and empty and I wish he was here so I could cry in his arms, but I don't love him. And he doesn't love me, which doesn't help. I think I need someone to love me, someone to throw his arms around me and tell me it's all going to be okay.

I'm a perpetual disaster. As soon as I get one part of me cleaned up, another falls apart.

Someone please hold me! Hold me so I can properly cry! I haven't been able to cry since before Nanny died! I have no outlets anymore, nowhere to put anything, and I feel like I'm whining every time I update livejournal. Maybe I should just make the whole stupid thing private... except that the whole point of this journal is to be a way for me to reach out and ask for help. So help!