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After I made that long post the other day, a good friend of mine, ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
tryptonique, whom I've known since the dawn of time (or high school) sent me a fantastic email. It's long, but very thoughtful, and I particularly felt that the last few paragraphs were very relevant. He said I could post it, so y'all can read it... So here it is.
Parts that I found particularly thought-provoking are in bold.
Interesting journal entry, Kara. A couple of things.
1)I'm sorry about your dream experience. After Celis and I broke up I literally had dreams about her every night for the first couple of weeks. Now I only really have one about her (in many various contexts...some utterly fantastic) every long while. Every time they are extremely disquieting, though. It REALLY can throw your day completely off balance when you don't really think about the person during your day to day life and you even kind of accept that you have moved on. Then BAM...the dream hits and you are like, "WTF?...I thought I didn't care anymore?" I'm not sure if I even wrote about this in my own LJ, but I had a dream of this sort like a month or so ago and it totally threw my day off to the tune of a couple of hours. The first 20 minutes after I woke up felt nearly as intense as right after the breakup. Crazy how that can work huh? The real kicker is when extract those romantic/emotional feelings from a dream...part of you regrets having such a hyper realistic dream (especially one that *does not* mirror actual reality) and the other part doesn't seem to regret it at all...because you appreciate the content of the dream. At least that is always how I have felt. That stuff can be really conflicting and I'm sorry you had to go through it.
As far as the whole "filler" thing goes....
-This might sound cheesy, so forgive me...but everyone is a filler person to someone. If you want to analyze "who would be missed" if they were killed in a freak buss accident, I think you would be surprised.
For example, it saddens me when musicians die. I find those instances notable. I think of people like Dimebag Darrel, Kurt Cobain, Layne Stayley, Brad Nowell, Hilel Slovak, or Dave Williams. Other people think of Biggie, 2 Pac, Left, Eye, Proof...etc. Or other people think about *other* musicians are significant or even some bizarre personal amalgam of many different musicians. Then are people who are especially touched when an actor dies...someone like Marlon Brando perhaps. Perhaps the people who get really misty when their favorite actor dies couldn't really care less about a musician dying. Other people perhaps just make a mental note, but don't really care that much. Other people just don't even care or pay attention. Same thing with other "big names." If George Bush were to die, there would definitely be those that cared and those that didn't. Even look at Princess Di...one of the most popular people the world has ever seen. A LOT of people were horribly saddened by her death, but I'm sure some weren't. I always thought Di was cool due to her campaign against landmines, etc...but I had no personal connection to her or emotional connection. I just kind of noted it and was like, "that sucks.” You’re a smart girl so I'm sure you see where I'm going with this unnecessarily long point...lol. Everyone is a filler person to someone (and realistically...probably a massive amount of someones). However, most people have those around them that really care about them. I guess I fundamentally disagree with your implication that there is or perhaps could be a class of people who aren't only important to people whose lives they are directly a part of. Some people (due to their visibility in society) have a bigger numerical number of people whose lives are directly attached to them (like a Celeb...or perhaps the Myspace guy Tom). However, I think it is a mistake to orient yourself around a Myspace sort of friends list popularity contest. Tagging yourself with a sort of dehumanizing tag of "filler" person misses the point altogether. No matter what kind of empire you build (even if it is of Myspace proportions), you can’t take it with you. Even Tom will be forgotten.
-As far as having nothing unique or amazing about you...come on. Let's hypothetically take a lot of your character traits and magically make them all "average." I’m talkin’ looks, personality, intelligence, etc. Even if you were to buy into such a thought experiment and accept the results (which personally is quite hard for me to do because Kara and "average" don't really go together in m mind)...you are still Kara. I know that sounds cheesy as hell, but you still are the one and only Kara Hamilton. It sounds lame to be like, "be happy with what you have" so I won't say that. However, I will say...part of adulthood seems to be a growing appreciation for your place in the world. Part of that contentment has to be centered on a realistic metaphysical understanding that even the people we see as being hugely significant (Einstein, Newton, Alexander the Great) died. We read about him in history now...but does anybody really get misty thinking about Alexander the Great's death after all of this time? Probably not. Time fades things, turns castles into dust, and makes things like the Grand Canyon. I'm not headed for "religious land" (since I'm an atheist) so don't worry about be telling you to only consider "the afterlife." Lol. However, I think a lot of personal anxiety people have seems centered around very human concerns stemming from mortality. Think of it this way, if you were immortal...would you really care so much about being remembered or would you care a bit more about learning what you could learn, seeing what you could see, and doing your own thing? On that extreme end, life would get trivialized if self-preservation and life itself were not a concern and I'm betting such a hypothetical immortal person would do things just do them (I think being immortal would make most people more like Loki than Jesus). On the other hand, we are not (to my knowledge) immortal. As such, a lot of hustle and bustle is spent worrying about significance, not wasting time, etc. You hear it in platitudes about, "Life is too short for regrets" etc. While I agree with such sentiments, life should NOT be centered around the inevitability of death. I DO think that life is too short for regrets and you should be happy. However, that isn't centered around the fact that we only have a certain amount of years here. After all, we tell people who (realistically) are 20% finished with life (assuming that they will live to be 100) not to worry about picking a major or switching one. It would seem that humanity is rather confused on this issue. :)
I personally think that people owe it to themselves to be happy regardless of if they have 10 days to live or 1,000 years. The time isn't what is important. Even the mortality isn't important. I think so long as a person is conscious, they should strive towards some sort of contentment or happiness if possible. I think that taking all things into account, it might be helpful to put concerns about "living a significant life" aside and try to detach and look at the big picture for a sec. Such a detachment tends to make me a bit more humble and laugh at myself for worrying so much about being important. You are important to you and that ought to be good enough. I personally realize that there are other people that care about me, however that number can change based on a variety of factors. I don't think that looking at things like this means you should just quit caring about those around you and live like a robot. I'm not advocating the life of an acetic. However, sometimes trying to pull yourself back from your own situation and thinking of things on a more "big picture" level isn't a bad strategy for calming yourself from perhaps self-induced anxiety (perhaps caused by bombarding yourself with a laundry list of perceived inadequacies). I hope that makes some sense. I don't think it is arrogant of you to want to change the world in profound ways. I don't think it is arrogant to want to be widely known and valued by a lot of people. I think it is very human. Human in a very noble and respectable sense. I would recommend just trying to keep some perspective if you can. Realistically, you only really DO have a finite time here. As they always say in the movies, "You can do this the easy way or the hard way." I would keep that in mind. Balance can work wonders, you know? If you want to do extremely hard rock climbing (placing a big challenge in front of yourself to conquer) the harder your challenge the more rewarding the end is. However, don't bite off more than you can chew and in your youthful (and beautiful human way) don't trip on your shoelaces in your exuberance to get to the top. The “end” might be really really worth it and juicy….but that won’t matter a damn if you can’t realistically get there or if you hamstring yourself and fall 50,000 feet to an untimely death (metaphorically speaking). To connect the metaphor, busting your own ass to be the best scientist you can be is great. Do it for yourself and do it well. Don't kill yourself though by taking on more than your *finite* body and mind can handle. Even the best minds need rest, relaxation, and time off. :) The more you work a muscle, the more it grows...but you can't forget to eat or else your body will start to consume the muscle if you have no fat. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that if you have to chose between “the path of least resistance” or “the path of challenging obstacles”…sometimes wisdom might be realizing that the answer to that question might be contextual and might not always be the same across the board. Just something to think about, kiddo.
You mention that you worry about things like, "I'm not as interesting or as smart as the other kids, I don't know as much or remember as much from undergrad, I'm too young and too emotional."
That is also human. A couple of things on this.
1) Sometimes feeling sorry for yourself is a coping technique. No shit. Everyone tells you it is bad, but I really think that sometimes it is a way to pull yourself back into a more balanced state. When someone says things like, "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I will go eat worms" (knowing full well that they DO have friends), it presents a wall that individual can realistically break down. People can take such an outrageous statement ("nobody likes me") and negate it internally. They can say, "No...people DO like me" and perhaps calm themselves of their worries...which in turn perhaps centers themselves a bit more. Other people can also sometimes chip in and try to help them as well. So don’t worry about being too emotional or seeming whiny. Whiny serves a function. The squeaky wheel gets the grease…so long as it can be fixed and doesn’t need to be replaced.
2) Perception perception perception.
"Interesting as" or "smart as" is all relative to where you are making such an evaluation. I bet there are some people who feel exactly the same as you do and perhaps might even be using YOU as an example of why they are inadequate in their own eyes. Perhaps someone in your classes is like, "Damn...I'm not as smart as the other kids. People like Kara, So and so, and so and so just seem to have it so together." I'm not saying that is necessarily the case, but would it surprise you? If you study any cognitive psych, theory of mind, or epistemology...you find out really quick just how unreliable humans are at making judgments. Lol.
Seriously.
Eye witness testimony? Un-fuckin' reliable. Statistical prediction rules outperform humans at a variety of predictive endeavors...even using the same criteria that human beings create! . Etc etc. Try to keep that in mind. As my favorite professor EVER says, "No matter how hard or easy you think something is...odds are it is a HELL of a lot more complicated than you think."
I think sometimes as people we have to sit down and ask, "what am I missing here?" Even this very situation you are dealing with (as described in your live journal) seems WAY more complex than a snap judgment of "I suck and am too emotional, not smart enough, etc" would have you believe...even if you only buy into one or two things I have said in this gigantic email.
3) When you say you are "too" emotional or "not intelligent enough"...sit down and really ask yourself what that means.
Can you honestly give yourself a realistic definition of what it is to be "too" emotional? Can you create a definition that applies for everyone? Can you tell me what "intelligent enough" is? Of course not.
The question is, "what is intelligent enough for Kara Hamilton?" Or "What is too emotional for Kara Hamilton?"
Perhaps you aren't meeting your own standards and that causes you anxiety. Realize though, that your standards are most likely pretty arbitrary and not representative of the myraid variables in play...no matter HOW well reasoned your standards are. There is a limit to how much a person can do, period. That doesn't mean give up and go home or just ditch standards. Keep them...but realize what they mean, when it sometimes might actually be productive to rewrite them (or ignore them completely), etc. Sometimes people don’t live up to their own expectations or standards. That shames us. It makes us sad. It fucks with us. However, the milk has been spilled. At some point you DO have to pick yourself up. Sometimes realizing we aren’t what we think we should be can be good motivation for becoming what we think we should be. However, don’t obsess over it…because you might become what you think you should be…and find out you shouldn’t be that at all. Human strength lies in adaptation, ingenuity, creativity, etc. You demonstrate those strengths, so try to play on them if you can.
You know how Dr. Strangelove has the subtitle, "How I stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb?" Perhaps your subtitle should be, "How I stopped worrying and learned to love the Kara. J
Much in the same way that one must have realized, "If nuke war is coming, there isn't a damn thing I can do as an individual to stop it" you must also realize that anxiety is crippling, counterproductive, and unnecessary for a woman of your talents and characteristics.
The goal of criticism ought to be productive. A lot of people seem to be afraid to let criticism be purely constructive and not punitive (even when they are criticizing themselves) because I think they are worried that without the fear of moral guilt (or punishment) that they would behave lazily, recklessly, etc. The fact is, moral guilt cements what is already practical and impractical. Even if you don’t feel morally bad about something, that doesn’t prevent you from feeling very REAL consequences of stupid behavior. So perhaps when dealing with yourself…maybe you can perhaps not be so harsh? You don’t need or deserve a sort of double penalty, you know? This isn’t a work zone! All joking aside, Your friends, family, etc care about you. It sucks to see your friends going through hard times and beating themselves up. Please don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not complaining or trying to make an appeal on my (or anyone else’s) behalf. Words do a sub-standard job of conveying the fact that reading your entry made me sad. That shouldn’t haven’t any effect on how you deal with your life or if you post stuff like that in your LJ. I don’t want your reaction to be, “Well I must not let my friends see me like this.” That isn’t where I’m going. I guess I just want you to know that people DO care about you and not just on a superficial acquaintance level. You DO have real friends. I’m sure everyone on your LJ friends list (or at least most of them) feel as I do or at least feels concern (even if they perhaps experience some trepidation on how to best express it or actually try to help you). As a friend I think I can say that your entry made me concerned and sort of sad…but I also believe that you have your head on a bit more straight than you give yourself credit for. I really believe that you have the tools needed to make it. The fact that I believe in you is why I’m bothering writing you an email letting you know that I believe in you…lol. Circular perhaps? Yes. Is that a problem for me? Nope. Lol. Another thing I have discovered from your LJ entry is that by looking at your post and thinking about it, it helps me solidify what I personally hold to be true. It helps me figure things out for me. That is one of the side benefits on LJ posting I guess.
I would also like to say one thing. I have a lot of respect for you, Kara. It is hard being smart and trying to live a virtuous life. It is hard to reconcile philosophy with practice and both with pragmatics. The fact that you make an effort is extremely praiseworthy.
You know how they say in rap, "mo' money, mo' problems?" Well I think it is "mo' brains, mo' problems." Brains are the key, but they also are the lock at times as well. Smart people have a tendency to think themselves into corners or think themselves into straight jackets, early graves, or perhaps silly mistakes.
Sometimes being smart increases our alienation from other human beings or perhaps just increases our perception of it. To wax metaphysical again, we ARE alive...and as such....we have choices we can make and paths we can take. I hope you can be successful in achieving a state characterized by more tranquility and less anxiety. I DO realize that you are in grad school, though. Lol. So best wishes. I hope this email helps you think...even if it is ground you have already covered in your own head. At the very least…I hope I made you smile once or twice. Lol. Perhaps I also have unrealistically high expectations. Ha. See? I can make myself laugh while writing this message! Anyway….take care of yourself!
tryptonique, whom I've known since the dawn of time (or high school) sent me a fantastic email. It's long, but very thoughtful, and I particularly felt that the last few paragraphs were very relevant. He said I could post it, so y'all can read it... So here it is.Parts that I found particularly thought-provoking are in bold.
Interesting journal entry, Kara. A couple of things.
1)I'm sorry about your dream experience. After Celis and I broke up I literally had dreams about her every night for the first couple of weeks. Now I only really have one about her (in many various contexts...some utterly fantastic) every long while. Every time they are extremely disquieting, though. It REALLY can throw your day completely off balance when you don't really think about the person during your day to day life and you even kind of accept that you have moved on. Then BAM...the dream hits and you are like, "WTF?...I thought I didn't care anymore?" I'm not sure if I even wrote about this in my own LJ, but I had a dream of this sort like a month or so ago and it totally threw my day off to the tune of a couple of hours. The first 20 minutes after I woke up felt nearly as intense as right after the breakup. Crazy how that can work huh? The real kicker is when extract those romantic/emotional feelings from a dream...part of you regrets having such a hyper realistic dream (especially one that *does not* mirror actual reality) and the other part doesn't seem to regret it at all...because you appreciate the content of the dream. At least that is always how I have felt. That stuff can be really conflicting and I'm sorry you had to go through it.
As far as the whole "filler" thing goes....
-This might sound cheesy, so forgive me...but everyone is a filler person to someone. If you want to analyze "who would be missed" if they were killed in a freak buss accident, I think you would be surprised.
For example, it saddens me when musicians die. I find those instances notable. I think of people like Dimebag Darrel, Kurt Cobain, Layne Stayley, Brad Nowell, Hilel Slovak, or Dave Williams. Other people think of Biggie, 2 Pac, Left, Eye, Proof...etc. Or other people think about *other* musicians are significant or even some bizarre personal amalgam of many different musicians. Then are people who are especially touched when an actor dies...someone like Marlon Brando perhaps. Perhaps the people who get really misty when their favorite actor dies couldn't really care less about a musician dying. Other people perhaps just make a mental note, but don't really care that much. Other people just don't even care or pay attention. Same thing with other "big names." If George Bush were to die, there would definitely be those that cared and those that didn't. Even look at Princess Di...one of the most popular people the world has ever seen. A LOT of people were horribly saddened by her death, but I'm sure some weren't. I always thought Di was cool due to her campaign against landmines, etc...but I had no personal connection to her or emotional connection. I just kind of noted it and was like, "that sucks.” You’re a smart girl so I'm sure you see where I'm going with this unnecessarily long point...lol. Everyone is a filler person to someone (and realistically...probably a massive amount of someones). However, most people have those around them that really care about them. I guess I fundamentally disagree with your implication that there is or perhaps could be a class of people who aren't only important to people whose lives they are directly a part of. Some people (due to their visibility in society) have a bigger numerical number of people whose lives are directly attached to them (like a Celeb...or perhaps the Myspace guy Tom). However, I think it is a mistake to orient yourself around a Myspace sort of friends list popularity contest. Tagging yourself with a sort of dehumanizing tag of "filler" person misses the point altogether. No matter what kind of empire you build (even if it is of Myspace proportions), you can’t take it with you. Even Tom will be forgotten.
-As far as having nothing unique or amazing about you...come on. Let's hypothetically take a lot of your character traits and magically make them all "average." I’m talkin’ looks, personality, intelligence, etc. Even if you were to buy into such a thought experiment and accept the results (which personally is quite hard for me to do because Kara and "average" don't really go together in m mind)...you are still Kara. I know that sounds cheesy as hell, but you still are the one and only Kara Hamilton. It sounds lame to be like, "be happy with what you have" so I won't say that. However, I will say...part of adulthood seems to be a growing appreciation for your place in the world. Part of that contentment has to be centered on a realistic metaphysical understanding that even the people we see as being hugely significant (Einstein, Newton, Alexander the Great) died. We read about him in history now...but does anybody really get misty thinking about Alexander the Great's death after all of this time? Probably not. Time fades things, turns castles into dust, and makes things like the Grand Canyon. I'm not headed for "religious land" (since I'm an atheist) so don't worry about be telling you to only consider "the afterlife." Lol. However, I think a lot of personal anxiety people have seems centered around very human concerns stemming from mortality. Think of it this way, if you were immortal...would you really care so much about being remembered or would you care a bit more about learning what you could learn, seeing what you could see, and doing your own thing? On that extreme end, life would get trivialized if self-preservation and life itself were not a concern and I'm betting such a hypothetical immortal person would do things just do them (I think being immortal would make most people more like Loki than Jesus). On the other hand, we are not (to my knowledge) immortal. As such, a lot of hustle and bustle is spent worrying about significance, not wasting time, etc. You hear it in platitudes about, "Life is too short for regrets" etc. While I agree with such sentiments, life should NOT be centered around the inevitability of death. I DO think that life is too short for regrets and you should be happy. However, that isn't centered around the fact that we only have a certain amount of years here. After all, we tell people who (realistically) are 20% finished with life (assuming that they will live to be 100) not to worry about picking a major or switching one. It would seem that humanity is rather confused on this issue. :)
I personally think that people owe it to themselves to be happy regardless of if they have 10 days to live or 1,000 years. The time isn't what is important. Even the mortality isn't important. I think so long as a person is conscious, they should strive towards some sort of contentment or happiness if possible. I think that taking all things into account, it might be helpful to put concerns about "living a significant life" aside and try to detach and look at the big picture for a sec. Such a detachment tends to make me a bit more humble and laugh at myself for worrying so much about being important. You are important to you and that ought to be good enough. I personally realize that there are other people that care about me, however that number can change based on a variety of factors. I don't think that looking at things like this means you should just quit caring about those around you and live like a robot. I'm not advocating the life of an acetic. However, sometimes trying to pull yourself back from your own situation and thinking of things on a more "big picture" level isn't a bad strategy for calming yourself from perhaps self-induced anxiety (perhaps caused by bombarding yourself with a laundry list of perceived inadequacies). I hope that makes some sense. I don't think it is arrogant of you to want to change the world in profound ways. I don't think it is arrogant to want to be widely known and valued by a lot of people. I think it is very human. Human in a very noble and respectable sense. I would recommend just trying to keep some perspective if you can. Realistically, you only really DO have a finite time here. As they always say in the movies, "You can do this the easy way or the hard way." I would keep that in mind. Balance can work wonders, you know? If you want to do extremely hard rock climbing (placing a big challenge in front of yourself to conquer) the harder your challenge the more rewarding the end is. However, don't bite off more than you can chew and in your youthful (and beautiful human way) don't trip on your shoelaces in your exuberance to get to the top. The “end” might be really really worth it and juicy….but that won’t matter a damn if you can’t realistically get there or if you hamstring yourself and fall 50,000 feet to an untimely death (metaphorically speaking). To connect the metaphor, busting your own ass to be the best scientist you can be is great. Do it for yourself and do it well. Don't kill yourself though by taking on more than your *finite* body and mind can handle. Even the best minds need rest, relaxation, and time off. :) The more you work a muscle, the more it grows...but you can't forget to eat or else your body will start to consume the muscle if you have no fat. I guess what I’m trying to say here is that if you have to chose between “the path of least resistance” or “the path of challenging obstacles”…sometimes wisdom might be realizing that the answer to that question might be contextual and might not always be the same across the board. Just something to think about, kiddo.
You mention that you worry about things like, "I'm not as interesting or as smart as the other kids, I don't know as much or remember as much from undergrad, I'm too young and too emotional."
That is also human. A couple of things on this.
1) Sometimes feeling sorry for yourself is a coping technique. No shit. Everyone tells you it is bad, but I really think that sometimes it is a way to pull yourself back into a more balanced state. When someone says things like, "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I guess I will go eat worms" (knowing full well that they DO have friends), it presents a wall that individual can realistically break down. People can take such an outrageous statement ("nobody likes me") and negate it internally. They can say, "No...people DO like me" and perhaps calm themselves of their worries...which in turn perhaps centers themselves a bit more. Other people can also sometimes chip in and try to help them as well. So don’t worry about being too emotional or seeming whiny. Whiny serves a function. The squeaky wheel gets the grease…so long as it can be fixed and doesn’t need to be replaced.
2) Perception perception perception.
"Interesting as" or "smart as" is all relative to where you are making such an evaluation. I bet there are some people who feel exactly the same as you do and perhaps might even be using YOU as an example of why they are inadequate in their own eyes. Perhaps someone in your classes is like, "Damn...I'm not as smart as the other kids. People like Kara, So and so, and so and so just seem to have it so together." I'm not saying that is necessarily the case, but would it surprise you? If you study any cognitive psych, theory of mind, or epistemology...you find out really quick just how unreliable humans are at making judgments. Lol.
Seriously.
Eye witness testimony? Un-fuckin' reliable. Statistical prediction rules outperform humans at a variety of predictive endeavors...even using the same criteria that human beings create! . Etc etc. Try to keep that in mind. As my favorite professor EVER says, "No matter how hard or easy you think something is...odds are it is a HELL of a lot more complicated than you think."
I think sometimes as people we have to sit down and ask, "what am I missing here?" Even this very situation you are dealing with (as described in your live journal) seems WAY more complex than a snap judgment of "I suck and am too emotional, not smart enough, etc" would have you believe...even if you only buy into one or two things I have said in this gigantic email.
3) When you say you are "too" emotional or "not intelligent enough"...sit down and really ask yourself what that means.
Can you honestly give yourself a realistic definition of what it is to be "too" emotional? Can you create a definition that applies for everyone? Can you tell me what "intelligent enough" is? Of course not.
The question is, "what is intelligent enough for Kara Hamilton?" Or "What is too emotional for Kara Hamilton?"
Perhaps you aren't meeting your own standards and that causes you anxiety. Realize though, that your standards are most likely pretty arbitrary and not representative of the myraid variables in play...no matter HOW well reasoned your standards are. There is a limit to how much a person can do, period. That doesn't mean give up and go home or just ditch standards. Keep them...but realize what they mean, when it sometimes might actually be productive to rewrite them (or ignore them completely), etc. Sometimes people don’t live up to their own expectations or standards. That shames us. It makes us sad. It fucks with us. However, the milk has been spilled. At some point you DO have to pick yourself up. Sometimes realizing we aren’t what we think we should be can be good motivation for becoming what we think we should be. However, don’t obsess over it…because you might become what you think you should be…and find out you shouldn’t be that at all. Human strength lies in adaptation, ingenuity, creativity, etc. You demonstrate those strengths, so try to play on them if you can.
You know how Dr. Strangelove has the subtitle, "How I stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb?" Perhaps your subtitle should be, "How I stopped worrying and learned to love the Kara. J
Much in the same way that one must have realized, "If nuke war is coming, there isn't a damn thing I can do as an individual to stop it" you must also realize that anxiety is crippling, counterproductive, and unnecessary for a woman of your talents and characteristics.
The goal of criticism ought to be productive. A lot of people seem to be afraid to let criticism be purely constructive and not punitive (even when they are criticizing themselves) because I think they are worried that without the fear of moral guilt (or punishment) that they would behave lazily, recklessly, etc. The fact is, moral guilt cements what is already practical and impractical. Even if you don’t feel morally bad about something, that doesn’t prevent you from feeling very REAL consequences of stupid behavior. So perhaps when dealing with yourself…maybe you can perhaps not be so harsh? You don’t need or deserve a sort of double penalty, you know? This isn’t a work zone! All joking aside, Your friends, family, etc care about you. It sucks to see your friends going through hard times and beating themselves up. Please don’t take that the wrong way. I’m not complaining or trying to make an appeal on my (or anyone else’s) behalf. Words do a sub-standard job of conveying the fact that reading your entry made me sad. That shouldn’t haven’t any effect on how you deal with your life or if you post stuff like that in your LJ. I don’t want your reaction to be, “Well I must not let my friends see me like this.” That isn’t where I’m going. I guess I just want you to know that people DO care about you and not just on a superficial acquaintance level. You DO have real friends. I’m sure everyone on your LJ friends list (or at least most of them) feel as I do or at least feels concern (even if they perhaps experience some trepidation on how to best express it or actually try to help you). As a friend I think I can say that your entry made me concerned and sort of sad…but I also believe that you have your head on a bit more straight than you give yourself credit for. I really believe that you have the tools needed to make it. The fact that I believe in you is why I’m bothering writing you an email letting you know that I believe in you…lol. Circular perhaps? Yes. Is that a problem for me? Nope. Lol. Another thing I have discovered from your LJ entry is that by looking at your post and thinking about it, it helps me solidify what I personally hold to be true. It helps me figure things out for me. That is one of the side benefits on LJ posting I guess.
I would also like to say one thing. I have a lot of respect for you, Kara. It is hard being smart and trying to live a virtuous life. It is hard to reconcile philosophy with practice and both with pragmatics. The fact that you make an effort is extremely praiseworthy.
You know how they say in rap, "mo' money, mo' problems?" Well I think it is "mo' brains, mo' problems." Brains are the key, but they also are the lock at times as well. Smart people have a tendency to think themselves into corners or think themselves into straight jackets, early graves, or perhaps silly mistakes.
Sometimes being smart increases our alienation from other human beings or perhaps just increases our perception of it. To wax metaphysical again, we ARE alive...and as such....we have choices we can make and paths we can take. I hope you can be successful in achieving a state characterized by more tranquility and less anxiety. I DO realize that you are in grad school, though. Lol. So best wishes. I hope this email helps you think...even if it is ground you have already covered in your own head. At the very least…I hope I made you smile once or twice. Lol. Perhaps I also have unrealistically high expectations. Ha. See? I can make myself laugh while writing this message! Anyway….take care of yourself!
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Date: 2006-11-12 10:04 pm (UTC)From:Especially this: "A lot of people seem to be afraid to let criticism be purely constructive and not punitive (even when they are criticizing themselves) because I think they are worried that without the fear of moral guilt (or punishment) that they would behave lazily, recklessly, etc."
and this: "Words do a sub-standard job of conveying the fact that reading your entry made me sad. That shouldn’t haven’t any effect on how you deal with your life or if you post stuff like that in your LJ. I don’t want your reaction to be, “Well I must not let my friends see me like this.” That isn’t where I’m going. I guess I just want you to know that people DO care about you and not just on a superficial acquaintance level. You DO have real friends. I’m sure everyone on your LJ friends list (or at least most of them) feel as I do or at least feels concern (even if they perhaps experience some trepidation on how to best express it or actually try to help you). As a friend I think I can say that your entry made me concerned and sort of sad…but I also believe that you have your head on a bit more straight than you give yourself credit for."
For a long time after what happened with Chris and me I was afraid to tell people what was really going on. I couldn't do it because I thought that everyone would criticise me harshly (You shouldn't do this, you can't do this, you're a bad person, etc) instead of give constructive criticism.. I'm really really bad at taking criticism, good or bad. And I also guess I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, so I did the whole thing of "well, I shouldn't let my friends see me like this.." and I didn't. I think that's part of the reason Dave came into the picture. He was easy to talk to and he didn't "criticise" or "judge." But it was bad for me to rely on only one person for my emotional support. I should have reached out and asked for help (another thing that I am really, really, really bad about doing) For me, asking someone for help (whether it be a ride if I don't have a car or even as simple as having to ask someone to help me bandage a wound like the flea bites) is a sign of weakness. And I know that sounds so stupid, but it's from years of watching my mom beg for help from people. I see it as weakness. And that frustrates Chris to no end some days, because I get stubborn and will not ask for help even if I'm in pain.
And like Evan said, you have to remove yourself from the situation sometimes and look at the bigger picture. I've learned how to do that and, oh my, it is humbling.
I guess another part of the "well I don't want my friends to see me like this" is stupidity. I don't want to be viewed as stupid for mistakes I've made...I'm human too!
Anyway, I hope you got something out of my ramblings... they seem a little less coherent than good ol' Evan's response :P
I love you, Kara. *hugs and waffles*
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Date: 2006-11-12 10:27 pm (UTC)From:I wish I was closer so I could offer you more support. I often feel like there's more I should be doing for you; you've always been an amazing friend to me and I worry that I'm not there enough for you. Reach out to me and I promise I'll be here for you!
Also, I want to say that I think you're incredibly strong. I don't know how you've dealt with everything the universe has handed you, but you've done an amazing job. You're married (and doing pretty well!) and you've got a beautiful little boy. You've gone through so much and you always come out the other side in one piece. I honestly don't know how you do that; it seems like I always come out the other side a trainwreck, and it takes me months to put myself back together. I admire you.
I love you too, Megan. *hugs and waffles* right back atcha.
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Date: 2006-11-12 10:43 pm (UTC)From:And I just want you to know that I don't always feel like I'm in one piece... I think the thing that finally got me through eveything is this piece of advice "Things will get worse before they get better" and also knowing that friends like you and Evan were always there for me!
And I wish I was closer to you to offer you more support!! lol. You have been an amazing friend to me, and still are. You have gotten me through a lot of tough times. I'm there for you babe, through thick and thin!!
Anytime you need me, I'll be there doing whatever I can :D
You're my BFF!!
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Date: 2006-11-12 10:45 pm (UTC)From:And I want you to know that you never sound whiny or melodramatic to me. This is life, and that's what it is. Some days are like perfection and other days are shit. It happens and that's exactly what your support group is here for.
*muah*
RAWR....
Date: 2006-11-13 02:22 pm (UTC)From:2) You and Megan are awesome. I must say I appreciate your kind words regarding the contents and sentiment behind what I wrote. They made me smile quite a bit.
Have fun over break,
-Evan