(no subject)

[oceantheorem]

Well, I'm officially having an anxiety attack. Hopefully this won't progress into a full nervous breakdown; it's been over a year since I've had one of those, and God knows I don't need to start that back up again.

I am freaking out about Yale.

I am out of money. I need to buy a car. I don't have a place in New Haven yet. I haven't finished my thesis. I haven't yet managed to accomplish this week's mission, and in three weeks I won't live here anymore, and my chance will be gone, and I'll regret this the same way I regret Gareth. I'm moving to Connecticut, which I cannot type because there are too many c's in it, where it will be cold, where everything is really close together and all the towns have less than 125,000 people, where I won't know anyone, and which is 3000 miles away from California, which I dearly love. Have I made the wrong decision? I'm throwing myself full-speed ahead into graduate school, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't think I want to be a professor. I kind of want to be a doctor, but it's a bit late for that at this point, don't you think? Maybe I should have thought about that a year ago, before I got accepted to Ph.D. programs in cell biology. Good thinking, Kara. Way to change your mind nine or ten months too late.

I feel so alone. I'm leaving everything--EVERYTHING--I've ever known and loved, packing up my belongings into a car I don't even own yet, haven't even imagined yet, and driving across the country to start a life in an apartment I haven't rented yet, and this is all happening in less than a month. Three weeks from tomorrow, I will GRADUATE from this university, and it will be behind me forever. How the hell did I get this far, and still stay so confused?

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. I really hope I'm not going to regret this in one, two, five, or fifteen years.

Comments

[marblespire.livejournal.com]

*hug* Welcome to Life. Take a number if you think it'll help, but they haven't called numbers since the last person behind the counter was hit by a stray arrow during the Crusades.

All I can say is, sometimes you just gotta try it and see what happens. Which you can do. You did it last week and it worked out okay. I would know. I was there, remember? ;) Because you can't go through life fearing to ever have regret. It's a mathematical impossibility to live a life that contains no regrets--inevitably, you will make a mistake. So the best thing to do is make it with enthusiasm. Go for the jugular. Don't look back. If it turns out that you made the wrong decision, that you're heading in the wrong direction, stop, re-evaluate, and make some changes. In the meanwhile, sit back and relax. It's hard to listen to your heart when you're panicking.

And when the nerves come in the night: hey, that's what significant others are for. =P

[either-or.livejournal.com]

my main advice here is, if you want to be a doctor...do it. it's not too late. i regret VERY MUCH not pursuing that path myself, and now it really IS too late. you still have lots of time. yale will be fine, but you don't have to go if you don't really want to. don't feel bound to anything. if you go, and you dislike it, you can leave. it's your life, not yale's.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I want to be a doctor. I don't know what I want to do. I'm so confused! At this point, it feels like everything is the wrong decision.

[either-or.livejournal.com]

well, just remember that you can change your mind. you haven't sold your soul or anything.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Thanks. *tries to be reasonable*

[either-or.livejournal.com]

i have to tell myself the same thing everyday. personally, i don't like my program or my field much, but i'm sticking with it b/c i need the degree to do that job i want to do. but i also take comfort in knowing that i can leave and do something else if i really want to.

[crazypumpkin.livejournal.com]

Its never too late. If med school is really what you want to do, then go for it.
And yes, moving away from everything you know is scary, but will probably be one of the best things you could do for yourself. Even if you move back, the experience of truly being on your own will be freeing and teach you more about yourself than you ever wanted to know.
Plus we're just cooler on the east coast :)

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I still don't know WHAT I want to do, so I don't know if med school would be a good thing or a mistake.
And yeah, the whole moving away from everything was part of the original decision in the first place... but the follow-through is so much harder than the inception of the idea.
And I dunno about you being cooler on the east coast! California's a pretty awesome place! :-P

[mediathrall.livejournal.com]

There's a lot of things I want to say to you, but I don't feel qualified to say any of them, because I'm in the exact same situation, minus the Yale bit. Anything that I do say, however, should be taken with caution, with the reminder that I also face the great unknown, but care a great deal less about my success and a great deal more about my happiness.

Perhaps I could say that it doesn't matter if you know what you want to do or not, as long as you feel you have the freedom to change it whenever you want, and that your friends and family will support you in your decision. There is always that choice, and it is always up to you. Even if you don't have any support at all.

Yale is an outstanding accomplishment, but don't let the magnitude of your success in being accepted tie you down to a life you don't want. The choice of going to Yale or doing something else is yours to make, and yours alone.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

I guess it's not so much that I'm afraid I can't change my mind or transfer so much as I'm afraid of having made the wrong decision in the first place. I'm afraid of the possibility of the need to transfer. Does that make any sense? I don't want to have made a mistake, whether it's fixable or not.

Someone asked me a couple of weeks ago what my ultimate goal in life is. And I don't have an answer. I used to think I just wanted to be happy, and for a while I was convinced that my greatest desire was to lead a meaningful life, and now I'm not sure it's either of those. I just don't know. And that's scary for me.

[mediathrall.livejournal.com]

And I agree with the cooler on the east coast thing.

[oceantheorem.livejournal.com]

And no way is the east coast cooler.

hmm

[(Anonymous)]

I think I could say something crappy about how there is no real mistake in life, it's about how you take it. I mean, marrying Marcus could be the biggest mistake of my life, but what I make of it....is what it turns out to be.

Unfortunately I can offer no words about which coast is better, cause clearly this island is much cooler than anything. I have no money to offer you, no car to give to you, nothing but my love. And prayers.

But, I know - that you are a goon. You are a strong woman. You have survived so much. When in life, have you ever KNOWN something. When, have you been 100% sure about something (other than the fact that I was a natzi that night studying for calculus)?

My love--you're amazing. I know you are. I love you, and you are capable of ANYTHING.

Stay strong..

[fieryminge.livejournal.com]

whew! it's okay. no, it's not too late to change your mind about anything. you have your whole life ahead of you! you have time to figure everything out. if it helps at all, i have no freaking clue what i want to do with my life. it's a big decision. all you can do is take your time and find your passion. what makes you happy? if you want to be a doctor, then go for it. if you want to be a professor, do it. you can do anything you want.

as far as regrets go, well, i'm probably the queen of regret. yea, i probably shouldn't have done some of the things i've done in my life, but i wouldn't change anything. what i've done (mistakes, regrets, good things, everything), has made me who i am. if i able to take back something i did, i wouldn't be the same. although i may have regrets, i'm thankful for the experiences i've had and that i was able to learn from them in the long run.

cars are expensive things. gas, insurance, payments (unless you buy it outright from someone). gas prices are pretty high right now. and if you think about it, except for long road trips back to the west coast, are you going to really need a car? the east coast has extensive public transportation. it's all interconnected. i know busses and trains aren't the funnest things to ride around on for the time being, but if it saves you some sanity because you're not stressing about having to buy a car...

i love you seester. i hope some of this makes sense and helps you out a little. call me if you need anything! oh, and i don't mean to come across cranky or callous or anything like that... i've had a really long weekend and i've spent close to 10 hours in a car today. so i'm kinda tired. but i think i made some sense :P

waffles!