![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
I'm stressed out beyond belief and want to crawl into something and hide... what a long, long weekend. Fear and loneliness and a deep, deep feeling of inadequacy have taken up residency inside of me, along with a very strong desire to be loved. I have no reserves left, nothing to go on, nothing to steady myself with, and no friends in Santa Cruz. Nick is wonderful, and there are so many more layers to him, and so much more to his personality, than I ever would have guessed. After these last two weekends, I feel like I know him less, but like and appreciate and respect him more. And part of that feeling of inadequacy comes from measuring myself against Nick and his family. I am one-dimensional; I am a scientist and nothing more. I am young, inexperienced, rash, emotional, flawed, and one-dimensional, and I'm ashamed of myself for not being better.
I got high last night (off of very potent cookies) for the first time, which probably wasn't a good decision on my part. I was already tired and unhappy. When the hallucinations started, I got lost in a fog somewhere in my mind, and while everything was horribly funny and I laughed uncontrollably, I was also crying, and I've never been more afraid. I was wandering in a dark, foggy forest, searching for my identity and reality and wondering every few moments what it was I was searching for, because my memory wouldn't hold anything more than three seconds. I couldn't remember who I was or where I was or what was going on... and then I'd reappear in reality, with my eyes open, and Nick would be holding me and murmuring, "Calm down... calm down... it's okay..." and then my eyes would close, the fog would return, and I'd laugh and cry and silently scream. It feels like the last seven months have been like that anyway--laughing and crying and silently screaming, not knowing who I am or what's going on, but unable to express those feelings.
I'm dreadfully unhappy, and not just because of last night's hallucinations. I think I've been dreadfully unhappy for a while. I don't know why. I have this sense that it's something I've done wrong, something I've omitted or forgotten to do, or some wrong choice I made.... Things aren't the way they're supposed to be, and it's because of something I did, but I don't know what, and I don't know which things are out of place, or specifically why I'm so unhappy. So far the only culprit I've found is the hungry desire to be loved. It's as though there's some strange creature with a huge mouth inside of me, opening and closing its jaws, looking for some love somewhere to gobble up, insatiable and demanding. I need to be loved, but a little is going to go right through me. I need something more.
I feel so lost. All this stupid fog. And I don't know what I'm looking for.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news: Surgery will be August 4. I don't have any cysts, so this is solely a diagnostic/treatment for endometriosis.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is a really good book. I wish I'd read it more slowly.
I got high last night (off of very potent cookies) for the first time, which probably wasn't a good decision on my part. I was already tired and unhappy. When the hallucinations started, I got lost in a fog somewhere in my mind, and while everything was horribly funny and I laughed uncontrollably, I was also crying, and I've never been more afraid. I was wandering in a dark, foggy forest, searching for my identity and reality and wondering every few moments what it was I was searching for, because my memory wouldn't hold anything more than three seconds. I couldn't remember who I was or where I was or what was going on... and then I'd reappear in reality, with my eyes open, and Nick would be holding me and murmuring, "Calm down... calm down... it's okay..." and then my eyes would close, the fog would return, and I'd laugh and cry and silently scream. It feels like the last seven months have been like that anyway--laughing and crying and silently screaming, not knowing who I am or what's going on, but unable to express those feelings.
I'm dreadfully unhappy, and not just because of last night's hallucinations. I think I've been dreadfully unhappy for a while. I don't know why. I have this sense that it's something I've done wrong, something I've omitted or forgotten to do, or some wrong choice I made.... Things aren't the way they're supposed to be, and it's because of something I did, but I don't know what, and I don't know which things are out of place, or specifically why I'm so unhappy. So far the only culprit I've found is the hungry desire to be loved. It's as though there's some strange creature with a huge mouth inside of me, opening and closing its jaws, looking for some love somewhere to gobble up, insatiable and demanding. I need to be loved, but a little is going to go right through me. I need something more.
I feel so lost. All this stupid fog. And I don't know what I'm looking for.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In other news: Surgery will be August 4. I don't have any cysts, so this is solely a diagnostic/treatment for endometriosis.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is a really good book. I wish I'd read it more slowly.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-07-20 10:00 am (UTC)From:Leesh did put a warning at the top of that post...