Dreams, actual content, same thing.

Last night I dreamt about taking my oral exams in graduate school. I had just begun my studies at some place abroad, and my advisor was, of course, a cute little Asian woman, whom I could barely understand. I managed to gather from her that I had to take the oral exams straightaway, and would 2 am this morning work for me, because I could just wait around until then downstairs if I wanted to?

A little shocked that I had to take the oral exams only 12 days into my graduate career, I agreed nervously and went downstairs to wait until my 2 am appointment. Somehow my family arrived and we began to watch movies. At 4 am I looked at the time, freaked out, and ran upstairs. Mom ran some reconnaissance with my cute little Asian advisor and obtained a revised appointment sheet, detailing the fact that everyone else had taken longer than expected, and my appointment had been moved to 5:15 am. I breathed a sigh of relief and moved up to sit in line and watch the other exams.

Now, this is the crazy part. There was a line of chairs, where students were sitting in wait to take their exams. I was in the third one. At the head of the line, there was a wooden box on a stand, and inside it was a miniature model of the interior of a temple. My advisor was standing next to it. When the next student came up, suddenly both of them were inside of the temple, and the student had to, with no preparation or notes, respond correctly and formally to the Empress (my advisor) and carry out certain ritual functions. The whole thing was based on logic and "feel."

The guy in front of me had to bow to the three elements--Fire (or Light), Water (or Dark), and Earth (the Mother). Somehow this involved iron hooks and tests. For example, for the Fire test, he had to run across a floor made of lightning to sink a pair of iron hooks into the wall. When he did that, a panel in the wall opened up. He then vaulted through it, stepped through some fire or something, and came back down to rest on the Official Bench of Fire in the panel, which showed my advisor that he had successfully bowed to the Fire portion of the elements. Similar tests then occurred for Water and Earth. The guy was awarded a Master's Degree. Then I woke up.

I think this dream could safely be said to reflect the amount of fear and awe I have concerning graduate school.

(no subject)

What would HAPPEN if I took a year off before grad school? Or didn't go? Would the world explode? Would my life fall apart? Would the debt swallow me? No... No... Maybe.

I want to go and SEE things, and live life, and have time to go to bars and sleep in late and have an awful 9 to 5 job. I want time to wish I was in grad school, I want time to realize I was stupid to have left. I know, I know, I'll just get out there and hate it and long for the chance to be back in a research lab... But I WANT that.

Or maybe I just want to feel like I have a choice. Right now... I have to go because of a long list of things. A) I'll lose my annuity of $384/month if I stop going to school. B) To get a good-paying job in any biology-related field, even biochem, you need a Ph.D. C) If I stop going to school I have to start paying my loans back. D) I have $60,000 out in loans and I might need 10 more before I graduate. And the interest... oh God, the interest. 8%. On all $60K. Maybe if I could just feel like grad school was my idea, and not a conglomeration of forces pushing me towards an inevitability leading to a "good life," I'd feel better about the whole thing. There ARE things I want. I want to keep learning, I want to do research, I want to expand mankind's pool of knowledge, I want to DO something. But I also want to feel like I'm in control of my own life. I want to know that what I'm doing isn't just something someone else wanted or led me into. I want to know that what I do matters and that what I WANT matters and that who I AM matters.

Ugh. I'm just so SICK of worrying about all of this, and not knowing what I'm doing, and having absolutely zilch guidance or assurance. I keep hearing "You can do this," or "We're so proud of you," but that doesn't do me one iota of good. How does that help? I don't need encouragement, I need help studying for the GRE. I need to know how to navigate Oxford's website. I need to know how to plan an experiment. I need to know how to write a scientific paper. I need drive and passion. I need to know how to apply for a loan that's not going to screw me over for the rest of my life. I need a close, tight-knit group of friends I can lean on in hard times and get drunk with in great times. I need to be able to take off for a weekend and do stupid things, and come back and get A's during the week because I have enough motivation to study. I have none of these things. I have nothing left inside of me. I can't do this on my own, and I'm completely alone. I am walking into the world of graduate school alone and unarmed, underage and waaaay ahead of myself developmentally. To whom do I turn? Who's going to hold my hand and tell me what to do? No one... and am I too young to accept that? Mentally?