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Jun. 2nd, 2005 12:16 amAs you all know, I am extremely unpredictable at times and extremely predictable at others. So I'm sure no one is surprised that I didn't write for a month, and no one is surprised that when I do finally write, it's not really about anything.
I thought the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was coming out Friday, but it came out today. So I hopped on my friendly little red bike and took myself down to the theatre. And as is typical of me, I started crying as soon as the movie began, and proceeded to cry through the whole thing.
I have so many emotions inside of me. The movie didn't follow the book (frustration), the movie was wonderful (relief, glee), the movie made me cry (nostalgia, contentedness), the movie made me remember the good and the bad of life (confusion, sadness, hope).... The movie made me remember my grandmother. In a very convoluted sort of way... wait, let me back up.
For those of you who don't know, I'm addicted to the Gilmore Girls. The star of the show, Rory Gilmore (played by Alexis Bledel), is studious, focused, naive, intelligent, kind, etc. She has a great relationship with her mother. I've always identified with her. I am Rory Gilmore. Many, many frightening details have arisen on the show that exactly mirror my own life. So when Rory decided to leave Yale in the season finale a couple weeks ago, instead of me just being frustrated with a TV show, I became frustrated with myself. How could I even consider leaving school (because, yes, in some weird sort of parallel universe, before the finale I'd been thinking about taking a year off from school myself)? How could I do that to my mother, who'd worked so hard to get me to where I am today?
Alexis Bledel played Lena in the Sisterhood. So I was watching this movie with the love of the books in my heart, and with the love of the Gilmore Girls. This movie ties together the amazing soul-searching books that always make my life better, and the beautiful TV show that reminds me of who I am.
One of the characters (Bailey) asks one of the other characters (Tibby) to finish her documentary... and when Tibby asks why, Bailey (who is dying of leukemia) says, "Because you can." And of course this made everyone in the theatre burst into tears, but especially me.
I have all this guilt, because I want to take time off school. I've been going so fast, taking so many classes, "because I can." And now I'm stopping, I'm slowing down, I'm tired. I'm afraid that I won't be able to pick back up again, even though I know it's only a few months I'm taking off. Not even three whole months. But I still feel guilty. I'm mad at Rory for leaving school, and I'm mad at myself for wanting a break too. And I started thinking about my grandmother, who died in January, and how she herself was a chemist of sorts, just like me, and she didn't get to finish her degree. Things happened to her and she left school, and she never got to go back. I need to finish school because "I can" and because she can't, she couldn't. She's dead, and this is one promise I have to keep to her. Somehow it's all mixed up in my head; I know I'm going to finish school, I know this break doesn't mean I won't go back. It's normal to take summers off, even if it isn't for me. So why do I still feel so guilty? Is it because I could take summer school and I'm choosing not to? Because Nanny didn't have that choice, she didn't get the chance to finish her schooling, and now I'm delaying mine an extra quarter? Why is this affecting me so much? I'm not dropping out, I'm not giving up, I'm not changing my major. Why is taking the summer off making me feel so guilty? Why am I so mad at a TV character? Why does a movie made out of a book have the power to make me cry for three hours?
I thought the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants was coming out Friday, but it came out today. So I hopped on my friendly little red bike and took myself down to the theatre. And as is typical of me, I started crying as soon as the movie began, and proceeded to cry through the whole thing.
I have so many emotions inside of me. The movie didn't follow the book (frustration), the movie was wonderful (relief, glee), the movie made me cry (nostalgia, contentedness), the movie made me remember the good and the bad of life (confusion, sadness, hope).... The movie made me remember my grandmother. In a very convoluted sort of way... wait, let me back up.
For those of you who don't know, I'm addicted to the Gilmore Girls. The star of the show, Rory Gilmore (played by Alexis Bledel), is studious, focused, naive, intelligent, kind, etc. She has a great relationship with her mother. I've always identified with her. I am Rory Gilmore. Many, many frightening details have arisen on the show that exactly mirror my own life. So when Rory decided to leave Yale in the season finale a couple weeks ago, instead of me just being frustrated with a TV show, I became frustrated with myself. How could I even consider leaving school (because, yes, in some weird sort of parallel universe, before the finale I'd been thinking about taking a year off from school myself)? How could I do that to my mother, who'd worked so hard to get me to where I am today?
Alexis Bledel played Lena in the Sisterhood. So I was watching this movie with the love of the books in my heart, and with the love of the Gilmore Girls. This movie ties together the amazing soul-searching books that always make my life better, and the beautiful TV show that reminds me of who I am.
One of the characters (Bailey) asks one of the other characters (Tibby) to finish her documentary... and when Tibby asks why, Bailey (who is dying of leukemia) says, "Because you can." And of course this made everyone in the theatre burst into tears, but especially me.
I have all this guilt, because I want to take time off school. I've been going so fast, taking so many classes, "because I can." And now I'm stopping, I'm slowing down, I'm tired. I'm afraid that I won't be able to pick back up again, even though I know it's only a few months I'm taking off. Not even three whole months. But I still feel guilty. I'm mad at Rory for leaving school, and I'm mad at myself for wanting a break too. And I started thinking about my grandmother, who died in January, and how she herself was a chemist of sorts, just like me, and she didn't get to finish her degree. Things happened to her and she left school, and she never got to go back. I need to finish school because "I can" and because she can't, she couldn't. She's dead, and this is one promise I have to keep to her. Somehow it's all mixed up in my head; I know I'm going to finish school, I know this break doesn't mean I won't go back. It's normal to take summers off, even if it isn't for me. So why do I still feel so guilty? Is it because I could take summer school and I'm choosing not to? Because Nanny didn't have that choice, she didn't get the chance to finish her schooling, and now I'm delaying mine an extra quarter? Why is this affecting me so much? I'm not dropping out, I'm not giving up, I'm not changing my major. Why is taking the summer off making me feel so guilty? Why am I so mad at a TV character? Why does a movie made out of a book have the power to make me cry for three hours?
