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I wrote about six pages in my paper journal today, but somehow I feel like I just have more to say.
I knitted in lab today. It was kind of silly, but I was waiting on an incubation, and I had nothing to do in that hour because all my homework for the week was due yesterday and today, and the other project I'm working on was already finished for the day. So I sat at my desk and couldn't play around online, because I don't have a laptop, and the PI was using the one he lent me. So I wrote for a while. After I got sick of that, I pulled out my knitting and worked on that, which was productive and relaxing (the setting sun was shining through the window onto my face, and it felt really good), but also felt sort of weird. Like, I'm in the middle of a molecular biology lab, KNITTING. People are working and stressed out and I'm sitting here in the sun KNITTING. It was nice, but that good ole Catholic guilt kicked in and made me feel bad for relaxing in front of working people.
I went climbing with Rafe. As he put it, tonight the score was Wall 1, Rafe and Kara 0. His elbow is injured, so the wall was pretty hard on that tonight, and although I did one troublesome run particularly well, the rest of my climbing was shitty. I dragged my knuckles across the wall on one route, and then a minute later fell across the wall, scraping up my arm and elbow. I think tonight was Attack of the Injured Right Elbows. I also somehow obtained a rope burn on the inside of said right elbow, and I know which run I got it on because I discovered it on the descent, but I have no memory of actually getting it. Oh well, at least all of my injuries are superficial and will be healed in a week.
I did a bit of thinking today, and realized that I'm kind of angry at men in general. I'm angry about the "I have to work" excuse; if he wanted to make time he would. I'm angry that the guys I'm most interested in are more interested in or dating other women. I'm angry that I want so badly to be loved. Where does this need come from? Why is it so much stronger in me than it is in everyone else? Grrrrr. Maybe I'm angry at other things and am projecting it onto my love life. I could think of a few key things I might be angry about.
*sigh* At least school is going well. *knocks on wood* *crosses fingers*
Time for knitting and sleep (not simultaneously, although that would be cool).
I knitted in lab today. It was kind of silly, but I was waiting on an incubation, and I had nothing to do in that hour because all my homework for the week was due yesterday and today, and the other project I'm working on was already finished for the day. So I sat at my desk and couldn't play around online, because I don't have a laptop, and the PI was using the one he lent me. So I wrote for a while. After I got sick of that, I pulled out my knitting and worked on that, which was productive and relaxing (the setting sun was shining through the window onto my face, and it felt really good), but also felt sort of weird. Like, I'm in the middle of a molecular biology lab, KNITTING. People are working and stressed out and I'm sitting here in the sun KNITTING. It was nice, but that good ole Catholic guilt kicked in and made me feel bad for relaxing in front of working people.
I went climbing with Rafe. As he put it, tonight the score was Wall 1, Rafe and Kara 0. His elbow is injured, so the wall was pretty hard on that tonight, and although I did one troublesome run particularly well, the rest of my climbing was shitty. I dragged my knuckles across the wall on one route, and then a minute later fell across the wall, scraping up my arm and elbow. I think tonight was Attack of the Injured Right Elbows. I also somehow obtained a rope burn on the inside of said right elbow, and I know which run I got it on because I discovered it on the descent, but I have no memory of actually getting it. Oh well, at least all of my injuries are superficial and will be healed in a week.
I did a bit of thinking today, and realized that I'm kind of angry at men in general. I'm angry about the "I have to work" excuse; if he wanted to make time he would. I'm angry that the guys I'm most interested in are more interested in or dating other women. I'm angry that I want so badly to be loved. Where does this need come from? Why is it so much stronger in me than it is in everyone else? Grrrrr. Maybe I'm angry at other things and am projecting it onto my love life. I could think of a few key things I might be angry about.
*sigh* At least school is going well. *knocks on wood* *crosses fingers*
Time for knitting and sleep (not simultaneously, although that would be cool).
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-08 06:35 am (UTC)From:Ooh, you know what would be good? Eating waffles while knitting.... Yum!
rawr
Date: 2007-02-08 08:27 am (UTC)From:Anyway, I don't blame you for being mad at the opposite sex. :)
As far as your desire to be loved? That sounds like a pretty human desire and I don't think you are as alone in that as you might think. While perusing Yahoo Answers (my new hobby is answering question on Y. Answers...honin' my Dear Abby skillz) I have seen so many girls who are wayyyyyyy worse than you. One girl (a fairly attractive one too) literally asked everyone if she was cute because she just doesn't think she is pretty enough to attract guys. Other people are really tripping over Valentine's Day and the perception that if you don't have someone that you are somehow deficient. You seem like your desire is giving you a bit of angst or melancholy at times, but it doesn't seem to be so dominant that it is controlling your behavior. You aren't ending your nights with awkard drunken hook ups for example.
As far as that guy who "has to work"...I agree with your assessment. However, I'm also placing some decent odds on that guy having some emotional baggage. He was willing to go so far with you, then he slammed on the breaks and put distance between you. He doesn't seem like the guy who was just looking for sex (obviously) and I think he genuinely is interested...he just can't handle you. That is HIS own problem and you are right to be pissed at him (not that you need my validation).
Take care, K-Rizzila
-Emothra-San