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All right, fuck it with the secrecy. I don't make friends-only posts anymore because I got tired of hiding my feelings, and so I've simply been censoring what I type. But now I'm sick of that too, and everyone knows my secrets as of today, so fuck it. Well, most of my secrets, anyway. There are a few I won't commit to the internet.
People here are vindictive. Certain girls in our program, for instance, are just downright mean and cold-hearted. There's a lab that I went to talk to about rotations, and after about five minutes I could tell that I needed to get as far away from these girls as possible--I'm talking, this interview was frightening enough to send me to Antarctica to escape them. Of course I decided not to rotate there. The problem is that one of these girls is the housemate of the guy I went on a date with last night. Not that that's really a problem, because he's a nice guy but I barely know him. The real problem is that I have a crush on his best friend, who is forbidden for like eighty different reasons, chief among them being he and my New Haven best friend just broke up, and it's not been a pretty separation. So as the best friend I'm obligated to stay back; plus he's dating someone else now (I know, how fast was THAT? the jerk). And honestly, I think most of the reason I like him is that he's unavailable. I'm so good at that; at liking only the ones that are taken. I'm not kidding, why do I only like the ones I can't have?
And if a girl tells you that a group of girls she hangs out with hates you, doesn't that sort of mean she hates you too? I'm pretty sure it does. So why didn't she just tell me when I asked her? None of this "I don't know you" crap, because I use that line and I know what it means when I use it, so I damn well know what it means when someone else uses it. It means you know exactly how you feel about the person but you don't feel ready to share that information with the rest of the world, for whatever random selfish reason.
I want to go home to California because it's an open place. See, in a place where people smoke so much weed, there aren't as many secrets, and girls aren't as vindictive and they don't secretly hate you but act like they like you. In a place where people use substances so often, you can't keep secrets because you don't have enough brain cells to keep your mouth shut. And I may not be a drug user, but I damn well prefer hanging out with drug users to hanging out with non drug users. I fucking miss California. I miss that you spend one evening with an intoxicated person and you know everything about them. I miss that you have a friendship with someone and they tell you everything, and it's okay. I miss that when it's not okay, you go to the beach and fling yourself into frigid water and you feel better because the shock brings you back to reality. I miss that people accepted each other.
I don't even actually want anyone in particular. This guy I have a crush on, I don't even want him. He's a jerk. He's cold, and he treats his friends badly. He treats his mom badly. The guy I keep dreaming about--I don't want him either. He wasn't good for me, and there must have been a reason that I stopped loving him. I don't want ANYONE. I'm cold and shut off and I don't FEEL anything. I don't care anymore. When did I stop caring? Was it when I left Santa Cruz? Because I'm pretty sure I felt a lot during Spring quarter. I'm pretty sure that I was emotional and on the right track and I was a person that people liked. And here, I'm apathetic and labs full of girls I don't even know hate me. Fuck that shit. Maybe I'll just pack my tiny suitcase and my tiny car and take myself back to California where I came from. And I'll have to take a year off so I can apply to UCSF next year, and in the meantime I'll figure something else out. I'll learn to paint and I'll take Greek and I'll have sex with guys who have tons of experience and I'll learn how to smoke weed. Because who ever thought that the thing I'd miss most about California was the one thing I didn't even partake in?
And you know what? Christmas is gonna be fucking miserable.
People here are vindictive. Certain girls in our program, for instance, are just downright mean and cold-hearted. There's a lab that I went to talk to about rotations, and after about five minutes I could tell that I needed to get as far away from these girls as possible--I'm talking, this interview was frightening enough to send me to Antarctica to escape them. Of course I decided not to rotate there. The problem is that one of these girls is the housemate of the guy I went on a date with last night. Not that that's really a problem, because he's a nice guy but I barely know him. The real problem is that I have a crush on his best friend, who is forbidden for like eighty different reasons, chief among them being he and my New Haven best friend just broke up, and it's not been a pretty separation. So as the best friend I'm obligated to stay back; plus he's dating someone else now (I know, how fast was THAT? the jerk). And honestly, I think most of the reason I like him is that he's unavailable. I'm so good at that; at liking only the ones that are taken. I'm not kidding, why do I only like the ones I can't have?
And if a girl tells you that a group of girls she hangs out with hates you, doesn't that sort of mean she hates you too? I'm pretty sure it does. So why didn't she just tell me when I asked her? None of this "I don't know you" crap, because I use that line and I know what it means when I use it, so I damn well know what it means when someone else uses it. It means you know exactly how you feel about the person but you don't feel ready to share that information with the rest of the world, for whatever random selfish reason.
I want to go home to California because it's an open place. See, in a place where people smoke so much weed, there aren't as many secrets, and girls aren't as vindictive and they don't secretly hate you but act like they like you. In a place where people use substances so often, you can't keep secrets because you don't have enough brain cells to keep your mouth shut. And I may not be a drug user, but I damn well prefer hanging out with drug users to hanging out with non drug users. I fucking miss California. I miss that you spend one evening with an intoxicated person and you know everything about them. I miss that you have a friendship with someone and they tell you everything, and it's okay. I miss that when it's not okay, you go to the beach and fling yourself into frigid water and you feel better because the shock brings you back to reality. I miss that people accepted each other.
I don't even actually want anyone in particular. This guy I have a crush on, I don't even want him. He's a jerk. He's cold, and he treats his friends badly. He treats his mom badly. The guy I keep dreaming about--I don't want him either. He wasn't good for me, and there must have been a reason that I stopped loving him. I don't want ANYONE. I'm cold and shut off and I don't FEEL anything. I don't care anymore. When did I stop caring? Was it when I left Santa Cruz? Because I'm pretty sure I felt a lot during Spring quarter. I'm pretty sure that I was emotional and on the right track and I was a person that people liked. And here, I'm apathetic and labs full of girls I don't even know hate me. Fuck that shit. Maybe I'll just pack my tiny suitcase and my tiny car and take myself back to California where I came from. And I'll have to take a year off so I can apply to UCSF next year, and in the meantime I'll figure something else out. I'll learn to paint and I'll take Greek and I'll have sex with guys who have tons of experience and I'll learn how to smoke weed. Because who ever thought that the thing I'd miss most about California was the one thing I didn't even partake in?
And you know what? Christmas is gonna be fucking miserable.
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no subject
Date: 2006-12-17 07:03 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-12-17 07:07 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-12-17 07:21 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-12-17 07:15 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-12-17 07:16 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2006-12-17 07:20 am (UTC)From:*is quiet while you read*
no subject
Date: 2006-12-17 07:30 am (UTC)From:G'night. Waffles!
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Date: 2006-12-17 07:34 am (UTC)From:Have a good night!
:)
Date: 2006-12-17 12:11 pm (UTC)From:To Megan:
Hi! :)
To Megan and Kara =
I'm going to be workin' up a broadcast soon. So if you [Megan] are interested or have some time, lemme know and I will keep you in the loop like always. If you [Kara] have some task to complete that you can do to background music, let me know. I would love to have you tune in sometime. My music tastes have changed quite a bit since you and I last really talked music. I used to be way into nu-metal and hard rock. Lately I'm on an 80's kick and more of a melodic kick right now. If you had a room to clean or somethin' like that I *know* I could fine some tunes that I could throw on that would work nicely and not be a distraction. I also brought my mic home and am going to be using it again (my broadcast over Thanksgiving didn't have any Evan-talk due to me being extremely lazy and not being in Reno that long). That means dedication, life lessons, bad jokes...and who knows what else. Anyway...just thought I would let the K-Rizz and the Spaghetti haired one in on the broadcast plans.
take care, amigas.
-E
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Date: 2006-12-18 01:38 am (UTC)From:I know I do. Can I get an Amen?
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Date: 2006-12-18 09:52 am (UTC)From:-E
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Date: 2007-04-08 03:56 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2007-04-08 04:01 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 2007-04-08 04:05 am (UTC)From:Everyone here is just like...perpetually at a cocktail party. Is the grad student culture like that too? I could see it being less so.
Haha, it's really weird that you're probably a couple blocks away as I type this, if you live downtown.
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Date: 2007-04-08 04:15 am (UTC)From:Yeah, I live right next to the gym. Which college are you in?
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Date: 2007-04-08 04:29 am (UTC)From:It's not so much that the undergrads are crazy and wild; they're just so...I don't know. Everyone seems closed and self-conscious and obsessed with self-presentation and small talk. David Brooks wrote (I quoted this in an entry several weeks ago) we all socialize like forty-year-olds, and I find that to be true. I shouldn't whine, because I'm like that too, but I wish the culture were a little more encouraging of youthful spontaneity or something. Haha. We're in college. Give me a break.
The psych grad students seem much more normal and balanced to me than the undergrads, but other grad students I know have told me that they're known for being party animals...? I mean, I could see that. Haha.
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Date: 2007-04-08 04:38 am (UTC)From:Ahhh... I guess my impression of the undergrads is horribly skewed. I hear them coming back to the swing housing singing at 3 in the morning fairly often, so I sort of assumed they were typical crazy college kids. It's interesting to hear that they're more like what my stereotypical idea of a Yale undergrad would be.
To be honest, the social presentation and formality of Yale terrify me. I am not a formal person.
Are you talking about the clinical psych grad students? They're the only ones I know--just the five first year girls. They're hilarious. I think they do party a lot. They're awesome people.
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Date: 2007-04-08 04:52 am (UTC)From:Yeah, at least from my perspective that's what undergrads are like. But then, I'm pretty quiet/nerdy, so maybe my friends are not representative. Although I do get the feeling that even the more "social" of my classmates are more interested than your average college student in climbing the relevant sociometric ladder. At least by day. Maybe it's different when they're drunk at 3 am.
I don't know the clinical grad students, no. I think all the ones I know are in cognitive/developmental. Good to know the clinical ones are enjoying themselves, too. (: