Summer of Insanity, Volume 1

[oceantheorem]

Saturday, 1 July
I moved out yesterday. Ann helped me pack. Steven and Valerie came over and helped, too, and together we packed the car and I left 158 Pryce St. for good. It was strange leaving that room. I spent two solid years there. I grew up there. I feel fundamentally, ridiculously different, and yet at the same time no different at all.
I stayed at Ann and Steven and Valerie's house last night. I parked my stuffed little car outside and slept on their couch. This morning I got up, said goodbye, and drove to San Jose, where I had lunch with Megan.
Then I spent three hours in stop-and-go traffic. And lucky me, I have a stickshift that I learned how to drive a week ago, so stop-and-go traffic was really fun.
I stopped and screamed three times. It helped marginally.
On the bright side, I'm now really good at first gear.
Anyway, I got here to Reno after about seven and a half hours in the car. It was pretty insane.
It's strange to be here, and to not have Santa Cruz waiting for me. I'm homeless. I have a place waiting in New Haven--my lease starts July 15th. But right now, I'm homeless. It kinda sucks. I miss Santa Cruz. I miss Ann. I miss my boys. Neal and Stephane came to mean so much to me this quarter... I miss them.
It was good to see Neal Thursday. We went climbing and then got burritos at Tacos Moreno just like always, and said a reluctant goodbye.
Yesterday I saw Stephane--for the first time in three weeks. He seemed overjoyed to see me, and kept making up excuses to keep hanging out. We first went to breakfast at the Walnut St Cafe, then drove randomly around until we ended up at Natural Bridges State Beach. We watched the waves and the people for a while. Then we went climbing. It was a good climbing day. When he took me home, we had an almost tearful goodbye, and hugged. He thanked me--I'm not sure for what. For an awesome quarter? For loving him without even knowing him? I'm not sure. He hugged me again and then walked back to his car...
I hope I can stay in touch with both Stephane and Neal. They were both really good influences on me and helped me loosen up a bit and gain some self-confidence. I don't want to lose that.
What a crazy three years I had in Santa Cruz. I loved it. I hope I can do better at Yale and make friends sooner and retain these new-found personality characteristics. I like me. I hope I stay me.
I think Santa Cruz will always be a home for me.

Sunday, 2 July
That's it. I'm no longer going to try to be friends with my mother. I'm going to be honest with myself and acknowledge all those evil, hateful little emotions I've been avoiding for over a year. I'm mad at her. Irrevocably. For having Elena. FOr marrying Phil. For allowing Dan into my life. I'm mad at her. And I'm sick of trying to be her friend and getting shunted aside. So from now on, that's it. I no longer need her or owe her anything. I absolve myself of all debts and all the guilt I've carried around for so long. It is normal for me to be mad at her. These are my emotions. Emotions are always valid, because they are what you feel. So I will no longer feel guilty about hating Reno and every second I spend here. I fought to get out of it and it's only gotten worse since I left. Now more than ever I hate being here.
Okay. End rant. I'm done. I'm ready to change the topic.
Did I ever write about the George situation? How I haven't heard from him in ten months despite repeated attempts to contact him? I give up on him too. When I drove past his exit in Davis yesterday, I flipped it off. Gone are the days when I simply "tag along." I am not a burden or an annoyance, and I won't spend time with people who see me that way. If George is too near-sighted to see how amazing I am, then good riddance. I declare myself free of that burden.
I miss Neal and Stephane. I think that if I had another year with Stephane that I would spend a great deal of time just watching him, learning from him and finding out what makes him tick. But for now... I don't have a year, or a chance, and I don't even know him well. And this fantastic guy is just going to fade out of my life... it's sad.
Clark and I are on an upswing. We started talking again a few weeks ago and have already made it back to talking about seeing each other. Part of me still thinks we'll end up together. We've come so far and changed so much, and yet we're still somehow compatible. At least, online. We haven't seen each other in two and a half years. So who's to say?

Monday, 3 July
I got my first pair of rock-climbing shoes today. They're Mad Rock Phoenix shoes. They were on sale and they're pretty nice. Hopefully they won't stretch too much, because they fit perfectly right now, but the 8.5s actually hurt to wear, so I didn't want to get them. But REI supposedly has a really good return policy, so it should be okay even if I don't end up liking them.
Being in Reno is weird. I hate it here. And yet, everything is so familiar, and I keep finding myself trying to fit in.
I miss Santa Cruz. I miss our post office. I miss Ocean Street and the donut shop. I miss the bus system. I miss the beach. I miss my friends.
Alas. I face New Haven alone. There will be lots of cool people at Yale, and climbing is supposedly pretty big on the east coast, so hopefully I'll be able to find a place in that community and fit right in. There will be climbers and doctors and biochemists, and I'm sure I'll fall in love with new things and new people and I should really stop worrying. It's going to be fine. More than fine. Yale will be great. I've wanted to go to Yale for a long time, and now I'm going, so this is really a dream come true. I just need to have faith in my dreams and myself and see where this can take me.

Tuesday, 4 July
Well. I'm exhausted. Most of the entries in the rest of this journal will probably start with that sentence.
I went climbing last night. Mom and Phil and I went to the Macaroni Grill for dinner (Elena shrieked throughout dinner), and afterwards I jumped in my cute little car and drove to the climbing gym, where I bouldered for an hour. It was great. It's always nice to get some time on the wall. And I worked on their traverse, which wasn't too bad, but definitely is a different style than the traverse in Santa Cruz.
Today I continued sorting through my belongings. Last summer when my parents had hardwood floors installed, they moved all my stuff out to the garage and it's been there since. I sorted out a bunch of stuff over Christmas but didn't finish. SO I worked on it yesterday and today and finally made it through the whole pile. There is still stuff in my room I need to sort through, but at least now it's all indoors.
Lyla came over today and we chatted while I sorted. It seems like the Goons have pretty much evaporated. Jen never ever ever updates Snoog, and Brenda got married June 10, and Darby is in Germany. It just doesn't feel like we're really all that close anymore.
Emily took a Greyhound here today from California. We're planning on leaving first thing Thursday morning and beginning our grand road trip to Connecticut. We have very little planned out so far.
Clark is in Iowa this week, and I had sort of hoped to see him, but he'll only be there until July 9, and I don't think we'll make it there before then. After the 9th he goes back to Florida.
I'm falling asleep now....