![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Ugh. This week is long and icky.
Both of my finals were pretty easy; pchem was RIDICULOUSLY easy, especially since I had the answer to the entire first question written on my notesheet. I'd included the example for oxygen along with the ground state term symbol rules, and the ground state term symbol question on the test happened to be for oxygen.... So that was cool. And I was the first person to finish both my pchem and cell bio finals. *sigh* I will never get over how shocked my professors look when I turn in my tests. It makes me feel guilty every time. I'm always afraid that someday one of them will think I'm cheating, because I always finish first or close to first and I still get good grades.... Gah. I'm sorry, I know this is really whiny, and is, furthermore, a dumb thing to stress out about, but I really hate sitting in a testing room trying to remember how to do such and such a problem, so generally I take the test, write down what I know, and then leave. There's no point in staring at the wall, because I know from experience that no matter how long I stare at the wall I won't remember the thing I've forgotten. So I'm usually one of the first people to finish, because I happen to write faster than everyone else.
Anyway. On a more relevant topic... GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATIONS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. And people keep telling me that my biggest problem will be choosing between several offers, and I keep getting showered with all this praise... and it's starting to make me feel really guilty. I mean, especially in my lab, I have NO CLUE what I'm doing. I feel like I've gotten to this point by sheer accident. I mean, I've put in some effort, I made pretty study sheets for ochem two summers ago and I stayed up kind of late this quarter actually doing my own pchem homework, but it seems like, for the most part, I've gotten through my classes without doing any sort of work or really learning anything. Of course, it only SEEMS like I haven't learned anything; I know that I have because suddenly 80% of the things I have to complain about are incomprehensible to my mother, and she's a bright person. So I must have learned something since I graduated from high school. Maybe it's just that learning is so slow. You can't feel it happening. I don't have very many "Aha! I learned something!" moments. Maybe that's because I get things the first time around, when I hear them in lecture, and then it's more of a "Whoa, that's so cool!" sort of thing than a "I just learned something new" sort of thing. But still. I feel like I haven't learned enough for a grad school to want me. I haven't taken enough classes. I haven't done enough research. I still don't know where the acetic acid is kept in my lab (or I didn't until today); and after a year and a half in that lab shouldn't I know where the acids are ketp? (I did know, I'd just forgotten.... But shouldn't that be something that I shouldn't have forgotten, because it should be knowledge that I constantly had to access?)
My feelings of inadequacy are overtaking me. Maybe this would be a good time to go write the stupid Berkeley/Santa Barbara diversity essay about how underprivileged I am and how my life has been one long sob story and yet here I am applying to graduate school.
Blech.
Oh yeah, and besides this, IF NICK DOESN'T STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE I SWEAR I WILL IMPALE HIM ON SOMETHING.
That is all I have to say about living with your ex-boyfriend.
Both of my finals were pretty easy; pchem was RIDICULOUSLY easy, especially since I had the answer to the entire first question written on my notesheet. I'd included the example for oxygen along with the ground state term symbol rules, and the ground state term symbol question on the test happened to be for oxygen.... So that was cool. And I was the first person to finish both my pchem and cell bio finals. *sigh* I will never get over how shocked my professors look when I turn in my tests. It makes me feel guilty every time. I'm always afraid that someday one of them will think I'm cheating, because I always finish first or close to first and I still get good grades.... Gah. I'm sorry, I know this is really whiny, and is, furthermore, a dumb thing to stress out about, but I really hate sitting in a testing room trying to remember how to do such and such a problem, so generally I take the test, write down what I know, and then leave. There's no point in staring at the wall, because I know from experience that no matter how long I stare at the wall I won't remember the thing I've forgotten. So I'm usually one of the first people to finish, because I happen to write faster than everyone else.
Anyway. On a more relevant topic... GRAD SCHOOL APPLICATIONS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. And people keep telling me that my biggest problem will be choosing between several offers, and I keep getting showered with all this praise... and it's starting to make me feel really guilty. I mean, especially in my lab, I have NO CLUE what I'm doing. I feel like I've gotten to this point by sheer accident. I mean, I've put in some effort, I made pretty study sheets for ochem two summers ago and I stayed up kind of late this quarter actually doing my own pchem homework, but it seems like, for the most part, I've gotten through my classes without doing any sort of work or really learning anything. Of course, it only SEEMS like I haven't learned anything; I know that I have because suddenly 80% of the things I have to complain about are incomprehensible to my mother, and she's a bright person. So I must have learned something since I graduated from high school. Maybe it's just that learning is so slow. You can't feel it happening. I don't have very many "Aha! I learned something!" moments. Maybe that's because I get things the first time around, when I hear them in lecture, and then it's more of a "Whoa, that's so cool!" sort of thing than a "I just learned something new" sort of thing. But still. I feel like I haven't learned enough for a grad school to want me. I haven't taken enough classes. I haven't done enough research. I still don't know where the acetic acid is kept in my lab (or I didn't until today); and after a year and a half in that lab shouldn't I know where the acids are ketp? (I did know, I'd just forgotten.... But shouldn't that be something that I shouldn't have forgotten, because it should be knowledge that I constantly had to access?)
My feelings of inadequacy are overtaking me. Maybe this would be a good time to go write the stupid Berkeley/Santa Barbara diversity essay about how underprivileged I am and how my life has been one long sob story and yet here I am applying to graduate school.
Blech.
Oh yeah, and besides this, IF NICK DOESN'T STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE I SWEAR I WILL IMPALE HIM ON SOMETHING.
That is all I have to say about living with your ex-boyfriend.
