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Okay. I now have a Gmail account. It's dnatheory, the same as my yahoo account, so that makes it easy. You can use whichever you like; I'm not getting rid of any accounts. I now have three. Hurray for way more email accounts than I'll ever need!
Soooo... for those of you who don't know, Nick and I have been having a... hmm... a something since May 2. We're not really sure what we are, but I don't think it's a lasting thing. We're really close friends, and I think we always will be, but this relationship thing is probably only temporary. It's been very uncertain since he moved out, but I'm going to go see him tomorrow. I'm kind of excited. But I don't really know what I want from all this, so I'm not really sure what all my emotions are.
I seem to have a lot of confused emotions lately. I feel like I've been an emotional wreck for the last fifteen years. Or maybe all twenty years. I don't know. Maybe my brain is set up differently than other peoples', so I'm in a constant state of confusion and chaos. I seem to take everything so seriously. How do I stop doing that without losing my grip on reality, and without losing the idea that each moment in life is important? IS each moment in life important? Or are there a lot of moments besides the ones you spend cooking breakfast and doing laundry that you should throw out?
I want to rewind a year or so. Do the second year of college over. Take less credits. I don't know. I don't know that anything I could have done would have prepared me for Nanny's death, or the thing with Mom, or the endometriosis crisis. I'm so stressed out. I just wish I was happy right now. I haven't been happy since fall quarter, and that worries me. Last summer was so good, was so fun, and I was so passionate about everything, so in love with life. And I'm not now. I keep wanting this summer to fix me, and so far it just seems to be adding insults to injuries and beating me further into the ground. I want to run away and relax for a week or two, and then come back and deal with things, once I have some reserves back. Maybe I'll go to Hawaii and sit on a beach for a week. Or Mexico. Or Greece. Or maybe I'll pick a stupid tiny little town in the Midwest and go live in a hotel for a week, and swim in the pool and shop at the ridiculously tiny grocery store and be bored out of my mind. I don't know. I just need to get away. I need to be away from my life for a week. Just... to have a break. And then I'll deal with everything. Then maybe I can deal with Nanny's death. I still don't believe she's gone. It still doesn't feel real, and when I think about it I still feel my mind pushing back against the thought. And it was seven months ago. I need a break.
At least... at least... um... at least the weather here is nice. And I'm not starving. Yet. Although if my loan doesn't arrive within the next couple of days...
Damnit, I was trying to think of positive things. Weather nice. Housemates nice. Plenty of clothing. Semi-fun job. Wasn't in pain yesterday (one whole pain-free day is pretty good, actually). Except for the splitting headache, anyway.
*sigh*
Um, this is a positive note. And I'm ending on it. Someone sing a C sharp, quick.
Soooo... for those of you who don't know, Nick and I have been having a... hmm... a something since May 2. We're not really sure what we are, but I don't think it's a lasting thing. We're really close friends, and I think we always will be, but this relationship thing is probably only temporary. It's been very uncertain since he moved out, but I'm going to go see him tomorrow. I'm kind of excited. But I don't really know what I want from all this, so I'm not really sure what all my emotions are.
I seem to have a lot of confused emotions lately. I feel like I've been an emotional wreck for the last fifteen years. Or maybe all twenty years. I don't know. Maybe my brain is set up differently than other peoples', so I'm in a constant state of confusion and chaos. I seem to take everything so seriously. How do I stop doing that without losing my grip on reality, and without losing the idea that each moment in life is important? IS each moment in life important? Or are there a lot of moments besides the ones you spend cooking breakfast and doing laundry that you should throw out?
I want to rewind a year or so. Do the second year of college over. Take less credits. I don't know. I don't know that anything I could have done would have prepared me for Nanny's death, or the thing with Mom, or the endometriosis crisis. I'm so stressed out. I just wish I was happy right now. I haven't been happy since fall quarter, and that worries me. Last summer was so good, was so fun, and I was so passionate about everything, so in love with life. And I'm not now. I keep wanting this summer to fix me, and so far it just seems to be adding insults to injuries and beating me further into the ground. I want to run away and relax for a week or two, and then come back and deal with things, once I have some reserves back. Maybe I'll go to Hawaii and sit on a beach for a week. Or Mexico. Or Greece. Or maybe I'll pick a stupid tiny little town in the Midwest and go live in a hotel for a week, and swim in the pool and shop at the ridiculously tiny grocery store and be bored out of my mind. I don't know. I just need to get away. I need to be away from my life for a week. Just... to have a break. And then I'll deal with everything. Then maybe I can deal with Nanny's death. I still don't believe she's gone. It still doesn't feel real, and when I think about it I still feel my mind pushing back against the thought. And it was seven months ago. I need a break.
At least... at least... um... at least the weather here is nice. And I'm not starving. Yet. Although if my loan doesn't arrive within the next couple of days...
Damnit, I was trying to think of positive things. Weather nice. Housemates nice. Plenty of clothing. Semi-fun job. Wasn't in pain yesterday (one whole pain-free day is pretty good, actually). Except for the splitting headache, anyway.
*sigh*
Um, this is a positive note. And I'm ending on it. Someone sing a C sharp, quick.
