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I posted this on Snoog, but since most of you have no clue what Snoog is, here this is, for your updated pleasure.
I've spent the last week pretending the real world doesn't exist. I haven't done homework, I skipped a couple of classes, I keep forgetting to write up the procedure for my first minor thesis project. I haven't been able to cry, and I think the problem is that I've become WAAAY too hardened since I broke up with Jamie. I hadn't realized I'd put up so many walls, but I realized last night that I'm so well-guarded even I can't reach myself. My emotions are buried so deep now I can't even feel them. I thought about it, and I realized that other than for about 15 drunken minutes last Saturday when I first heard that Nanny had died, I haven't cried more than four or five tears since sometime last summer. For me, that's totally abnormal. I'm not sure I like being immune to feelings, but I don't know how to make myself sensitive again. At this point I don't really care what other people think about me--I know a lot of people like me better as the stable, non-crying Kara--I just want to be in touch with myself, and I want to be able to feel things. You can't live if you don't feel. So I'm kind of confused right now. I haven't grieved for Nanny because I don't believe she's dead, and every time I try to cry I only shed a few tears before my defenses snap into place, and I'll suddenly be sitting there with damp cheeks wondering why I was crying, and how I could be so selfish and so weak. I need to figure out how to convince myself that crying is not a weakness.
In completely unrelated random news: This guy I've had a small crush on for the last 7 or 8 months had to say goodbye to his boyfriend, as he was getting shipped off with the military. Yes, I said boyfriend. Turns out the guy I've had a crush on for the last 7 or 8 months is gay. Boy, I sure know how to pick 'em.
Anyway, except for not getting any homework done, I've done okay the last week by escaping reality. I've watched SO MANY movies this week.... Hopefully I'll figure out how to go back to being a feeling person instead of the insensitive rock I've become. Stability has been nice, but I don't think it should come at the price of living.
What do you call a CH3-CH2-CH2-O-(group of people)?
A propyl people ether! Ha ha ha.
Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? Well, the wedding was boring, but the reception was great.
I went looking for pictures of dachshunds today and stumbled across two different dachshund rescue shelter sites. I ended up spending an hour reading dachshund sob stories, about old dachshunds and young dachshunds and abandoned dachshunds and neglected dachshunds and abused dachshunds... I ended up crying the now-normal 4 or 5 tears and sending $20 to Coast to Coast Dachshund Rescue to help an old doxie named Sebastian, who reminds me of Buddy both in condition and in appearance. I miss my dogs.
So I guess I can't cry, but part of my bleeding heart is still bleeding. Good sign.
I've spent the last week pretending the real world doesn't exist. I haven't done homework, I skipped a couple of classes, I keep forgetting to write up the procedure for my first minor thesis project. I haven't been able to cry, and I think the problem is that I've become WAAAY too hardened since I broke up with Jamie. I hadn't realized I'd put up so many walls, but I realized last night that I'm so well-guarded even I can't reach myself. My emotions are buried so deep now I can't even feel them. I thought about it, and I realized that other than for about 15 drunken minutes last Saturday when I first heard that Nanny had died, I haven't cried more than four or five tears since sometime last summer. For me, that's totally abnormal. I'm not sure I like being immune to feelings, but I don't know how to make myself sensitive again. At this point I don't really care what other people think about me--I know a lot of people like me better as the stable, non-crying Kara--I just want to be in touch with myself, and I want to be able to feel things. You can't live if you don't feel. So I'm kind of confused right now. I haven't grieved for Nanny because I don't believe she's dead, and every time I try to cry I only shed a few tears before my defenses snap into place, and I'll suddenly be sitting there with damp cheeks wondering why I was crying, and how I could be so selfish and so weak. I need to figure out how to convince myself that crying is not a weakness.
In completely unrelated random news: This guy I've had a small crush on for the last 7 or 8 months had to say goodbye to his boyfriend, as he was getting shipped off with the military. Yes, I said boyfriend. Turns out the guy I've had a crush on for the last 7 or 8 months is gay. Boy, I sure know how to pick 'em.
Anyway, except for not getting any homework done, I've done okay the last week by escaping reality. I've watched SO MANY movies this week.... Hopefully I'll figure out how to go back to being a feeling person instead of the insensitive rock I've become. Stability has been nice, but I don't think it should come at the price of living.
What do you call a CH3-CH2-CH2-O-(group of people)?
A propyl people ether! Ha ha ha.
Did you hear about the two antennas who got married? Well, the wedding was boring, but the reception was great.
I went looking for pictures of dachshunds today and stumbled across two different dachshund rescue shelter sites. I ended up spending an hour reading dachshund sob stories, about old dachshunds and young dachshunds and abandoned dachshunds and neglected dachshunds and abused dachshunds... I ended up crying the now-normal 4 or 5 tears and sending $20 to Coast to Coast Dachshund Rescue to help an old doxie named Sebastian, who reminds me of Buddy both in condition and in appearance. I miss my dogs.
So I guess I can't cry, but part of my bleeding heart is still bleeding. Good sign.
