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The fireflies are out! Claire is sitting on my lap. I will miss these things.
The problem, as I have said many times, with moving across the country (well, one of the problems; there is certainly more than one) is that you leave bits of yourself behind each time you do it. Even leaving Connecticut, a place I hated, felt like tearing off a part of who I'd become. Michigan is hands-down an all-around better place to be than Connecticut, and leaving is going to be hard. Especially because Jim's family is here, and I've gotten quite attached to them. I feel awful taking their son from them, too. Even though he wants to go and they say they understand and that we'll all go someplace tropical for Christmas together.
I'm trying to simultaneously remember that California is not Eden and will not make life magically perfect, and also that I do have good reason to be excited about moving there. I'm not imagining that California is "home". It is. It truly is. I feel markedly different in California than I do elsewhere. The sun is stronger, the land actually has texture (I'm so sick of the flatness of the Midwest!!), the food is locally grown or raised or caught, and the proximity of the ocean changes the flavor of the air and keeps the temperature within a narrow range. It calls me. In a really stupid, juvenile, romanticized, nonsensical way, I really feel like California calls to me. Besides, I've always wanted to live in San Francisco. I love cities, and San Francisco is my favorite city.
So why am I so scared and sad?
1. Michigan is safe. We have a routine, we have Jim's parents, we have a safe little life and safe little jobs that would eventually lead to having a safe little house.
2. San Francisco is big, and fast-paced, and culturally very different from anywhere I've been in the last six years, and very different from anywhere Jim has ever been, and I worry about the culture shock.
3. If we don't love it, it will be my fault that we are there and poor and not here and safe.
4. My mom and I will be closer and have a chance to have a real relationship again, and if it falls apart I won't be able to handle it.
5. We most likely have to give up Claire (a friend of mine is willing to take her for up to a couple of years, and she lives just north of SF, so this really isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I will still miss my fluffy demoncat).
6. It's so expensive. So, so expensive.
Things that kept me awake last night, excited (when was the last time I couldn't sleep because I was excited?):
1. We might get to live in a really interesting community house, the ad for which sounds like a listing for a social experiment. We'd be surrounded by intelligent, capable adults who are trying to make the world a better place. I miss that kind of environment. I miss it in a way that surprises me - like a piece of me was excised, but it was so cunningly and slowly removed that I didn't even see it go, and at the mention of its return I feel lighter and freer and smarter and more adventurous. I want to take risks. I want to try new things. I want to learn about new subjects. I want to contribute. I want to try.
2. The food. Just the thought of the food! Did you know I had a dream about our wedding cake after the wedding? It was so perfectly made, just the right texture and the right sweetness and not too heavy and not at all dry. All the food is like that, whenever I visit California. It's perfectly ripe and fresh and always has the perfect hint of salt or sweetness. THE FOOD.
3. My new job is just like my current job, except with more spreadsheets, an iPad in the mouseroom that was my idea (apparently the university is implementing these now, but my new lab is giving me credit for coming up with the idea before the university announced it), amazing people that sound like they just fell out of a joke (three postdocs walk into a bar - a German, an Indian, and a Frenchman...) and have extremely flexible work hours and seem to value work-life balance. And there is a gym next door with a pool on the roof. A POOL. ON THE ROOF.
4. Sunshine.
5. Sunshine.
6. Sunshine.
7. My family!
8. 3D printers! I know. This is out of the blue. For some reason my brain is associating 3D printing with California, and is excited about it. Let's just roll with this one...
I've been pretending to be quiet and safe and normal and now I am quiet and safe and normal. I want to be wild and daring and clever again, but it is scary.
On the other hand, it's not like I have a choice anymore. We've set it in motion; it's happening. We leave on July 30th.
The problem, as I have said many times, with moving across the country (well, one of the problems; there is certainly more than one) is that you leave bits of yourself behind each time you do it. Even leaving Connecticut, a place I hated, felt like tearing off a part of who I'd become. Michigan is hands-down an all-around better place to be than Connecticut, and leaving is going to be hard. Especially because Jim's family is here, and I've gotten quite attached to them. I feel awful taking their son from them, too. Even though he wants to go and they say they understand and that we'll all go someplace tropical for Christmas together.
I'm trying to simultaneously remember that California is not Eden and will not make life magically perfect, and also that I do have good reason to be excited about moving there. I'm not imagining that California is "home". It is. It truly is. I feel markedly different in California than I do elsewhere. The sun is stronger, the land actually has texture (I'm so sick of the flatness of the Midwest!!), the food is locally grown or raised or caught, and the proximity of the ocean changes the flavor of the air and keeps the temperature within a narrow range. It calls me. In a really stupid, juvenile, romanticized, nonsensical way, I really feel like California calls to me. Besides, I've always wanted to live in San Francisco. I love cities, and San Francisco is my favorite city.
So why am I so scared and sad?
1. Michigan is safe. We have a routine, we have Jim's parents, we have a safe little life and safe little jobs that would eventually lead to having a safe little house.
2. San Francisco is big, and fast-paced, and culturally very different from anywhere I've been in the last six years, and very different from anywhere Jim has ever been, and I worry about the culture shock.
3. If we don't love it, it will be my fault that we are there and poor and not here and safe.
4. My mom and I will be closer and have a chance to have a real relationship again, and if it falls apart I won't be able to handle it.
5. We most likely have to give up Claire (a friend of mine is willing to take her for up to a couple of years, and she lives just north of SF, so this really isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but I will still miss my fluffy demoncat).
6. It's so expensive. So, so expensive.
Things that kept me awake last night, excited (when was the last time I couldn't sleep because I was excited?):
1. We might get to live in a really interesting community house, the ad for which sounds like a listing for a social experiment. We'd be surrounded by intelligent, capable adults who are trying to make the world a better place. I miss that kind of environment. I miss it in a way that surprises me - like a piece of me was excised, but it was so cunningly and slowly removed that I didn't even see it go, and at the mention of its return I feel lighter and freer and smarter and more adventurous. I want to take risks. I want to try new things. I want to learn about new subjects. I want to contribute. I want to try.
2. The food. Just the thought of the food! Did you know I had a dream about our wedding cake after the wedding? It was so perfectly made, just the right texture and the right sweetness and not too heavy and not at all dry. All the food is like that, whenever I visit California. It's perfectly ripe and fresh and always has the perfect hint of salt or sweetness. THE FOOD.
3. My new job is just like my current job, except with more spreadsheets, an iPad in the mouseroom that was my idea (apparently the university is implementing these now, but my new lab is giving me credit for coming up with the idea before the university announced it), amazing people that sound like they just fell out of a joke (three postdocs walk into a bar - a German, an Indian, and a Frenchman...) and have extremely flexible work hours and seem to value work-life balance. And there is a gym next door with a pool on the roof. A POOL. ON THE ROOF.
4. Sunshine.
5. Sunshine.
6. Sunshine.
7. My family!
8. 3D printers! I know. This is out of the blue. For some reason my brain is associating 3D printing with California, and is excited about it. Let's just roll with this one...
I've been pretending to be quiet and safe and normal and now I am quiet and safe and normal. I want to be wild and daring and clever again, but it is scary.
On the other hand, it's not like I have a choice anymore. We've set it in motion; it's happening. We leave on July 30th.
