Unreasonable emotional difficulties

This morning I finally made an appointment with a counselor. I saw them in January and they said they'd call me within four weeks. Nine weeks later they called me back, then told me that if I wanted to see someone over the summer I'd have to wait for them to transfer my info. And then, Monday, three months after I initially went in, I finally got a call from someone who can talk to me THIS WEEK and this summer. So today I called her back and made an appointment, go me.

I talked to Susan today (the PI of the lab I'll probably join), and I meant to ask her about thesis projects and funding and whatnot, and instead I mentioned that I sort of wanted to try a fourth rotation, and after a few minutes of questioning me, she said, "I think you don't really know what you want, and that's why all the casting about for the fourth rotation," and I said yeah, maybe, and she said I'm depressed, and then I got all teary. We talked a bit longer, and she said so many comforting awful things, like that I could still transfer, even though yes it's late and it would be hard, and that I could take a year off, or even a semester off, because I'm in academically good standing (and I took a moment to revel in this--I am in fantastic academic standing; I am an amazing student--at least I can do something right) and they'd let me take time off with very little explanation, and that she wondered if this was a grad school issue or a location issue. I said it was probably a location issue, and we talked about that, and I think she agreed. So I'm fairly sure now, especially because I've had this conversation out loud with a PI, that YES, I do want to be in grad school. I still don't know what I want to do AFTER grad school, but for now that's okay. I like grad school, and I like being a grad student. So that's good to know.

Also, I told her about the counselor situation, and as soon as I said "psychologist," she said, "Oh, the Yale Death Plan?" and I laughed weakly. After I finished the story, she said, "You should have come to me! I would have made them see you!" How is a first-year student supposed to know to go see a rotation PI if the counselors won't see you right away? Gah. Also, why didn't I just go talk to Susan? Stupid Kara.

Anyway, where was I?

So I went back to lab and developed the gel I'd started, and my post-doc yelled at me, because she is stupid and doesn't know how to interpret double digest results, EVEN THOUGH I HAD THE RESTRICTRION MAP AND FRAGMENT SIZES IN FRONT OF ME. So I set up single digests for tomorrow, to mollify her, even though they won't tell us what we need to know. She is stupid. I hate knowing more than a post-doc. It makes me feel... like the universe it out of whack. And like I want to whack her. With a gel box.

Also, I got a really good score on the piece of crap fake grant I wrote, and have been having flashbacks to sophomore year of high school, when I wrote a C paper and Lyla wrote an A paper (I know, I read it), and I got an A and she got a C. I feel guilty. I didn't deserve those 34 points; I should have gotten the 29. Damnit.

After class this afternoon I sobbed on Emily and Andrew and Elizabeth for an hour. I don't even know what I was crying about. I don't know what I want out of life, and I don't know what is making me miserable, and I don't know what to do about any of it. So I just sobbed.

After that I went to talk to the PI (Ron) of the possible fourth rotation. He said he'd take me, and then we proceeded to spend an hour talking about what it's like to be a professor, and how difficult it can be to adjust to new places, and how you go to the new places anyway because you're in science and unless you're freakin' amazing you don't get a lot of say in which institutions hire you, so you have to be able to live anywhere. And in some ways that was heartening, because Ron has clearly lived some awful places, and New Haven is awful but he clearly likes it, but in other ways of course it was terribly depressing, because a large part of The Plan (Version 3.0) hinges on getting post-docs and faculty jobs in California in general, if not the bay area specifically.
What I took away from that conversation, then, was that I just have to be freakin' amazing.

Also, Ron is going to a series of talks in Kansas this week, to talk about evolution, and I saw the flyer and saw that Harry Noller is going to be there, so we chatted about him for a moment, and Ron said he'd say hello for me. I miss Harry Noller. That guy was awesome.

I am, in fact, a complete trainwreck. Still/again.

And dude, it rained today. What's up with that?
(Also, I'm pretty sure my miserableness is NOT weather-related, because until today's rain it has been gorgeous for a week, and I've been happy on the surface, but that deep-seated hard cold core of unhappiness has still been hanging out in my stomach. Sort of right where the cysts were. So clearly sunshine can't make me happy, and therefore winter did not make me unhappy.)

The only thing I'm relatively sure about is that this is NOT over guys. This goes so much deeper than that.
Just thought I'd clarify that.

And I may have given myself carpal tunnel in my right hand. Bastard hurts like crazy. Can't knit.

I'm gonna go do some homework now, and wait for Gilmores to finish downloading. Silly me, I thought it was Thursday and that a new Lost would be up online too, but nope. Not till tomorrow.