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Mar. 10th, 2007 10:01 pmTurns out I can't handle the internet. Yeah, it's like $200 to fly to San Jose right now, but it's about $600 to fly to San Jose and back again. And more than that to fly round trip to Reno. So maybe what the universe is saying... is that I should just buy a one-way ticket and go home....
I'm a wreck today. Some stuff (or rather, a thing) happened this week, and it shouldn't have thrown me off center but it did. I'm homesick and sad and lonely and I feel so, so, so stupid and guilty. I've messed up. I've messed everything up. I shouldn't have graduated early; I should have stayed in Santa Cruz for a fourth year. I shouldn't have moved to Connecticut. I don't belong here. I should be in Santa Cruz right now, living on loans and Ramen, taking electives and graduate seminars as a senior, writing a thesis that makes sense and spending free time--which I'd have tons of--on the beach, watching dolphins at sunset, with people I love.
I shouldn't be sitting at home alone in New Haven on a Saturday night, watching full disks of Gilmore Girls and crying into lukewarm tea because it's too cold (and dangerous) to go outside for a walk.
I'm wondering again if I should drop the whole ruse. What the hell am I doing here? Who am I kidding? What on earth would I do with a Ph.D.? Everything seems so pointless and exhausting. I miss fog. I miss my family. I miss my family pre-baby. I want to go back to fall quarter freshman year and do everything over again, the right way this time, and not end up alone and cold on the wrong side of the country.
I'm a wreck today. Some stuff (or rather, a thing) happened this week, and it shouldn't have thrown me off center but it did. I'm homesick and sad and lonely and I feel so, so, so stupid and guilty. I've messed up. I've messed everything up. I shouldn't have graduated early; I should have stayed in Santa Cruz for a fourth year. I shouldn't have moved to Connecticut. I don't belong here. I should be in Santa Cruz right now, living on loans and Ramen, taking electives and graduate seminars as a senior, writing a thesis that makes sense and spending free time--which I'd have tons of--on the beach, watching dolphins at sunset, with people I love.
I shouldn't be sitting at home alone in New Haven on a Saturday night, watching full disks of Gilmore Girls and crying into lukewarm tea because it's too cold (and dangerous) to go outside for a walk.
I'm wondering again if I should drop the whole ruse. What the hell am I doing here? Who am I kidding? What on earth would I do with a Ph.D.? Everything seems so pointless and exhausting. I miss fog. I miss my family. I miss my family pre-baby. I want to go back to fall quarter freshman year and do everything over again, the right way this time, and not end up alone and cold on the wrong side of the country.
