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Jun. 23rd, 2005 07:15 pmI decided something today.
My period of recovery is over. I have recovered from Jamie and am now stable enough mentally and socially to begin looking for a boyfriend again. And I want one. I've been having strange dreams lately, mostly because of the endometriosis stress, and I think that might be part of it.
I keep dreaming I have the laparascopy, and when I wake up the doctors tell me that I have to get pregnant immediately if I ever want to have children. So, young and scared, I strike out into the world to find a sperm donor. My close guy friends refuse, the sperm banks are too expensive, and I end up childless and depressed and alone. In another recurring dream, I wake up from the laparascopy to find that the doctors have removed my uterus to keep me alive, or because it was too damaged, or whatever reason, and I end up childless and depressed and alone, because no one will marry a girl who can't have children.
Ann and I went to Great America today (and had an awesome time!! I love amusement parks!), and although most of the younger kids were annoying, there was one young couple that caught my attention. Two high-school age white kids, well-dressed (not like the gang kids and the goth kids that were swarming the rides), lightly holding each other about the waists, stopped behind us in line. The guy leaned over and gave the girl a soft kiss on the mouth, and then they just stood there and held each other in the sunlight for a moment. It wasn't the gross "I need to devour you" thing you normally see, and they weren't trying to undress each other in public. They just wanted to be next to each other. It was sweet. It made me sad. I miss being loved, I miss having a boyfriend.
I'm ready for a healthy relationship. I'm ready to fall in love again, to lose myself in someone again. To have someone to call at the end of the day, to have someone to hold in the middle of the freezing night or in the middle of the sunny amusement park. For the first time in a year, I'm lonely. I don't want sex, I want companionship.
So. Here's hoping the summer holds something for me. And here's hoping the laparascopy goes smoothly so the depressing dreams will end.
My period of recovery is over. I have recovered from Jamie and am now stable enough mentally and socially to begin looking for a boyfriend again. And I want one. I've been having strange dreams lately, mostly because of the endometriosis stress, and I think that might be part of it.
I keep dreaming I have the laparascopy, and when I wake up the doctors tell me that I have to get pregnant immediately if I ever want to have children. So, young and scared, I strike out into the world to find a sperm donor. My close guy friends refuse, the sperm banks are too expensive, and I end up childless and depressed and alone. In another recurring dream, I wake up from the laparascopy to find that the doctors have removed my uterus to keep me alive, or because it was too damaged, or whatever reason, and I end up childless and depressed and alone, because no one will marry a girl who can't have children.
Ann and I went to Great America today (and had an awesome time!! I love amusement parks!), and although most of the younger kids were annoying, there was one young couple that caught my attention. Two high-school age white kids, well-dressed (not like the gang kids and the goth kids that were swarming the rides), lightly holding each other about the waists, stopped behind us in line. The guy leaned over and gave the girl a soft kiss on the mouth, and then they just stood there and held each other in the sunlight for a moment. It wasn't the gross "I need to devour you" thing you normally see, and they weren't trying to undress each other in public. They just wanted to be next to each other. It was sweet. It made me sad. I miss being loved, I miss having a boyfriend.
I'm ready for a healthy relationship. I'm ready to fall in love again, to lose myself in someone again. To have someone to call at the end of the day, to have someone to hold in the middle of the freezing night or in the middle of the sunny amusement park. For the first time in a year, I'm lonely. I don't want sex, I want companionship.
So. Here's hoping the summer holds something for me. And here's hoping the laparascopy goes smoothly so the depressing dreams will end.
