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Apr. 9th, 2005 01:28 pmBlech. I don't know what's wrong with me this week. I just want to kill things. I guess I could blame hormones...
Wednesday I ran into Jamie and Christine twice on campus (that's more times than I saw them all of last quarter). The second time I saw them was right in front of Baskin Engineering. We agreed to get together this weekend to hang out... A half hour later, I walked through the intersection in front of Baskin again, and this time there were two buses, a fire engine, and a traffic jam in the middle of the street. Some kid got hit by a bus again (this seems to happen once or twice a year here). My first thought was that it was Jamie, and I freaked out for about seven seconds before I realized that my mind was playing tricks on me again. And I think I've been bitchy since then because I was reminded of how even though I'm not in love with Jamie anymore, I still care about him, and if he'd been hit by a bus and was lying by the side of the road, I would freak out. I would go to the hospital with him, make sure he was okay, bully the nursing staff for him... It only makes me angry because I know he wouldn't do the same for me.
Which, yes, is the reason we broke up in the first place. But it still makes me mad. And it makes me mad that it makes me mad. I wish I could just turn off my emotions sometimes.
Nick took me to the beach last night so I could go swimming. I don't know why, but this week was pretty hard on me, and after I got home from hanging out with Jamie, Christine, and Ann, I curled up on my bed and started to cry. Then I remembered I'm supposed to go swimming when stuff gets to me, so I had Nick drive me to the beach (I would have walked, but walking back several miles with sandy, wet feet on pavement is a less than pleasant idea). I ran around and swam a little and we played tag, and I felt a lot better. I don't know what I'm going to do about Nick, though. I don't know how to stop sending him signals. I keep trying to drop little hints, like telling him how much guys annoy me and how I just want to be single (and it's all true... see previous posts about not having time for guys), but I think either he doesn't believe me or he chooses not to understand what I'm saying. We even had a conversation the other night about dating people you live with. He knows where I stand. Graaaahhhh. I don't know what to do. See above paragraph--"I wish I could just turn off my emotions sometimes."
I started my thesis again, and suddenly I find myself swamped with homework and things to do. I have to go up to campus today to feed some cells, and I have to go in Tuesday morning to split them into a 96-well plate. In addition to that, I have physics homework due Monday afternoon and a research paper proposal due in my gen ed Tuesday morning, and now a write-up of my thesis proposal due to Don when I go in to split the cells Tuesday morning. Physics and two papers this weekend. Ugh.
I don't know why I've been so upset lately. Every little thing seems to set me off this week. I want to cry and scream and yell and break things, and if I didn't know better, I'd say all those things add up to the kind of hormones your body releases when you're pregnant. But since that's not possible... I suppose my body is just playing tricks on me, and all I can do is hope that my stupid hormones level out in the next few days so I can actually get some work done.
Oh yeah, and my summer just got shortened. Apparently, although I am only TAing for two weeks at the end of July, I have to go to the first two weeks of class in the beginning of July. I don't know why and I haven't had the coherency to email the lady back and ask her. Every time I think about what I would say in my reply email, it starts to get violent and I end up wanting to cry. My summer is gone. Again. Fuck. I've really, really been looking forward to some time off, and suddenly my month of freedom has been reduced to two weeks. I bet you anything I'll end up spending one week in Reno, with no transportation, being bored and reclusive, and the second week I'll either get roped into staying in Reno or working on my stupid thesis. Once they take some time away from you, it's so easy to take more. I'm preparing to kiss my dream summer goodbye.
God, I have to get this school crap OVER with. It's time to graduate. NOW.
_______________________
They don't have a mood icon for "upset," but pretend that's what I put. I just put "nauseated" because I think that's a really hilarious picture.
Wednesday I ran into Jamie and Christine twice on campus (that's more times than I saw them all of last quarter). The second time I saw them was right in front of Baskin Engineering. We agreed to get together this weekend to hang out... A half hour later, I walked through the intersection in front of Baskin again, and this time there were two buses, a fire engine, and a traffic jam in the middle of the street. Some kid got hit by a bus again (this seems to happen once or twice a year here). My first thought was that it was Jamie, and I freaked out for about seven seconds before I realized that my mind was playing tricks on me again. And I think I've been bitchy since then because I was reminded of how even though I'm not in love with Jamie anymore, I still care about him, and if he'd been hit by a bus and was lying by the side of the road, I would freak out. I would go to the hospital with him, make sure he was okay, bully the nursing staff for him... It only makes me angry because I know he wouldn't do the same for me.
Which, yes, is the reason we broke up in the first place. But it still makes me mad. And it makes me mad that it makes me mad. I wish I could just turn off my emotions sometimes.
Nick took me to the beach last night so I could go swimming. I don't know why, but this week was pretty hard on me, and after I got home from hanging out with Jamie, Christine, and Ann, I curled up on my bed and started to cry. Then I remembered I'm supposed to go swimming when stuff gets to me, so I had Nick drive me to the beach (I would have walked, but walking back several miles with sandy, wet feet on pavement is a less than pleasant idea). I ran around and swam a little and we played tag, and I felt a lot better. I don't know what I'm going to do about Nick, though. I don't know how to stop sending him signals. I keep trying to drop little hints, like telling him how much guys annoy me and how I just want to be single (and it's all true... see previous posts about not having time for guys), but I think either he doesn't believe me or he chooses not to understand what I'm saying. We even had a conversation the other night about dating people you live with. He knows where I stand. Graaaahhhh. I don't know what to do. See above paragraph--"I wish I could just turn off my emotions sometimes."
I started my thesis again, and suddenly I find myself swamped with homework and things to do. I have to go up to campus today to feed some cells, and I have to go in Tuesday morning to split them into a 96-well plate. In addition to that, I have physics homework due Monday afternoon and a research paper proposal due in my gen ed Tuesday morning, and now a write-up of my thesis proposal due to Don when I go in to split the cells Tuesday morning. Physics and two papers this weekend. Ugh.
I don't know why I've been so upset lately. Every little thing seems to set me off this week. I want to cry and scream and yell and break things, and if I didn't know better, I'd say all those things add up to the kind of hormones your body releases when you're pregnant. But since that's not possible... I suppose my body is just playing tricks on me, and all I can do is hope that my stupid hormones level out in the next few days so I can actually get some work done.
Oh yeah, and my summer just got shortened. Apparently, although I am only TAing for two weeks at the end of July, I have to go to the first two weeks of class in the beginning of July. I don't know why and I haven't had the coherency to email the lady back and ask her. Every time I think about what I would say in my reply email, it starts to get violent and I end up wanting to cry. My summer is gone. Again. Fuck. I've really, really been looking forward to some time off, and suddenly my month of freedom has been reduced to two weeks. I bet you anything I'll end up spending one week in Reno, with no transportation, being bored and reclusive, and the second week I'll either get roped into staying in Reno or working on my stupid thesis. Once they take some time away from you, it's so easy to take more. I'm preparing to kiss my dream summer goodbye.
God, I have to get this school crap OVER with. It's time to graduate. NOW.
_______________________
They don't have a mood icon for "upset," but pretend that's what I put. I just put "nauseated" because I think that's a really hilarious picture.
