(no subject)

I don't know what to say, I don't know what to feel. One moment I'm making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, the next moment I'm sobbing in the kitchen. The next moment I can't remember why I was crying--no one's died. She can't be dead. How could she be dead? I talked to her a few days ago, I was there with her two weeks ago. No one dies two weeks after you say goodbye to them.

Honestly, I don't understand. I can't wrap my mind around it. She can't be dead. She's not allowed to be dead. She wasn't ready, I wasn't ready. Poopah wasn't ready. It just doesn't make sense. I keep talking about it like it happened, and it couldn't have.

And then I burst into tears, because it is true. And then I stop crying and go back to being confused.

What do I do with myself now? Why do I keep thinking about myself? I'm so selfish sometimes it stuns me. But who else am I supposed to think about right now? She's dead, there's nothing I can do for her, and everyone else is with Poopah. What do I do? What happens to me now? How do I stop bursting into tears at random moments, how do I make my mind understand that she really is dead?

How can she be dead?