(no subject)

I think I might have some suppressed anger I need to deal with. I keep having imaginary yelling matches in my head, where I scream at someone until I can't think of anything else to scream about. And today, I felt angry a lot. I wanted to yell at everyone.

...
On a completely unrelated topic:
I was having a wonderful day today until I got to OChem lab. Our TA, Mike, turned on the radio while we were working. A Radiohead song came on. I haven't heard a Radiohead song since Jamie and I broke up. I've only ever listened to Radiohead while in the presence of Jamie. The song came on and my body and mind shut down. I sat at my lab bench, a separatory funnel in one hand, a beaker of HCl in the other, and wondered what to do with myself. I was frozen. I knew, weakly, that I needed to pour the beaker into the sep funnel, but somehow I couldn't move. I was seeing flashes of the triple. The triple in late afternoon, glowing golden. The triple in the morning, glowing blue. Jamie's form, stretched out next to me, wrapped in blankets, messily sleeping. The two of us, lying under his bed listening to Amnesiac, ripping open our first condom to see what, exactly, it looked like. Him, sitting at his computer, telling me I had to hear just this one song, setting up a whole play list, the two of us lying on his bed, not moving, listening to the music. Me trying to name the songs, to remember the lyrics. And suddenly I was back in the OChem lab, and I was still holding the sep funnel and the beaker, and no one had noticed that I hadn't moved in a minute and a half.

The rest of my day was depressed. The cloudiness didn't help, and neither did the hopelessness of the amount of material that will be on the midterm next week. It was too much OChem to think about, so instead I thought about Jamie some more, and wondered how stupid I am to have done this to myself, and how stupid I must be to keep thinking there might still be a future to salvage.

I remember a million hours of good things, and a composite of two days of bad things. I remember his cheekbones and the line of his chin, the feel of his earlobes, the way I felt when he ignored me. I remember the way I fell into his eyes, the way my head rested on his chest, the way I felt when he told me he couldn't be at UCSC without me, the way he wouldn't hold my hand in public. I miss the bad things. You know it's bad when you miss the bad things.

Was I not good enough? Was I too demanding, and too ugly and stupid for my good attributes to outweigh the demandingness? Did I annoy him, was I too clingy, am I too emotional for him? Is it because I overanalyze things? Or is it just because all he wanted was a warm body, not necessarily me? I think about why we broke up and I begin to hate myself. I see a thousand flaws that add up to him not wanting to be around me. And if Jamie, into whom I poured so much love and energy and devotion, couldn't bear to be around me, then how could I expect anyone else to?

Does he miss me at all? Or is he glad to be rid of me and my countless imperfections?

Does he miss that golden afternoon, the one that I always think of when I think of him? Does he even remember it?

If he came back, would I feel happy again, or is there something deeper wrong with me?

"Sparrows and cats will live in my shoe,
Sooner than I will live with you.
Fish will come walking out of the sea,
Sooner than you will come back to me."
--The Last Unicorn, The Last Unicorn, Peter S. Beagle