Real Update Currently in The Works. In the Meantime, Please Hold.
I took this from Jen, who took it from someone named Kelly, who may or may not have written it. At any rate, yes.
LIVING WILL
I, Kara Lynn Hamilton(Fill in the blank),being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under
no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood
politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a
cold beer, it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a
special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the
health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren’t in a
permanent coma or vegetative state.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don’t
care how many fundamentalist votes they’re trying to scrounge for their run
for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with
some one else’s life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn’t care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don’t know these
people, and I certainly haven’t authorized them to preach and crusade on my
behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell
Signed Kara Lynn Hamilton Date 3 May 2005
********************************************************
Also, this is hilarious. I got this from my friend Jen, who got it from her friend Kelly's MySpace blog, who got it from blue haired Jen, who got it from their friend Heather, and I just had to share it with y'all.
Dear President Bush,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would
propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex
marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a
man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I
can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it
to be an abomination... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her? (I'm pretty sure she's a virgin).
3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates
a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?
4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
How can I help you here?
5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there
'degrees' of abomination?
6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can
help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging. It must be really great to be on such close terms with
God and his son, ... even better than you and your own Dad, eh?
Seth C. Bruggeman
American Studies Program
College of William & Mary
LIVING WILL
I, Kara Lynn Hamilton(Fill in the blank),being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under
no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood
politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and ask for a
cold beer, it should be presumed that I won’t ever get better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a
special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the
health, education and future of the millions of Americans who aren’t in a
permanent coma or vegetative state.
Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt into this case. I don’t
care how many fundamentalist votes they’re trying to scrounge for their run
for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish that they play politics with
some one else’s life and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn’t care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to
legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don’t know these
people, and I certainly haven’t authorized them to preach and crusade on my
behalf. They should mind their own business, too.
If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a
political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living hell
Signed Kara Lynn Hamilton Date 3 May 2005
********************************************************
Also, this is hilarious. I got this from my friend Jen, who got it from her friend Kelly's MySpace blog, who got it from blue haired Jen, who got it from their friend Heather, and I just had to share it with y'all.
Dear President Bush,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I
have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would
propose and support a constitutional amendment banning same sex
marriage. As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a
man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I
can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it
to be an abomination... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other
elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A
friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not
Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in
Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her? (I'm pretty sure she's a virgin).
3. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates
a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I
smite them?
4. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus
35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally
obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
How can I help you here?
5. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an
abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Aren't there
'degrees' of abomination?
6. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some
wiggle-room here?
7. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.
19:27. How should they die?
8. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
9. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing
garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester
blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really
necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town
together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to
death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev.20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can
help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
unchanging. It must be really great to be on such close terms with
God and his son, ... even better than you and your own Dad, eh?
Seth C. Bruggeman
American Studies Program
College of William & Mary
