oceantheorem (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
oceantheorem) wrote2007-04-19 08:45 pm
oceantheorem) wrote2007-04-19 08:45 pm
The Jamie Story, ish.
Freshman year of college, Jamie lived on my floor. We moved in on September 19th, and less than a week later we were dating. He kissed me after we'd known each other for three days, and we decided we both wanted something casual and fun. Two months later we finally admitted we loved each other. That was a fantastic, beautiful, wonderful fall quarter. Winter quarter was awful; I got clingy and he got scared. We were both miserable. I finally broke up with him in March, accidentally, and tried desperately to take it back, but he wouldn't let me. I was crushed, destroyed, heartbroken--all those adjectives and more. Spring quarter was awkward (we still lived on the same floor), and I spent the summer rebuilding myself and my personality, learning to live on my own for the first time. Sophomore year I still loved him, but tried to move on. We talked every few months, and I hung out with him once or twice.
Near the end of the summer before our third year, we started hanging out again. We spent a month talking and going out to dinner and being friends, really, for the first time. We sat in restaurants for an hour after our food was gone, completely oblivious to the fact that our table was needed. We were just happy to be together. I suppressed my feelings for him, convincing myself that I was misreading his signals and that he couldn't possibly be interested in me again. In October, he agreed to go up to UCSF with me to check out the campus, and because we were going to catch a 5:30 a.m. bus, we figured it would be easier for him to stay at my house. As we were getting ready for bed, he tickled me and I shrieked, and he tickled me again, and then somehow we were lying on the bed and I was looking up into his eyes and then he kissed me, and it was like the world tilted and clicked together and I was home. It was the best feeling I've ever felt.
The next three months were incredible again. It was even better than Round 1. There was some sort of something, we agreed, that was pushing us together, some sort of weird magic force that made it necessary for us to date. It was strange, and wonderful, and we didn't question it too much. He went home with me for Thanksgiving, and I went home with him for the week before Christmas. The three days we spent sick with the flu on the floor of his mother's apartment in San Diego were three of the best days of my life. I had applied to grad school and I had found the man I wanted to marry.
I went home to Reno for two weeks without him, and our first day back together in Santa Cruz was... off. I still don't know why. Later that week I got into Yale, and I think that was just the end of it. At the time I thought I'd simply fallen out of love with him overnight. I thought maybe I'd panicked about how serious we were. Our relationship slowly declined, and in March the exact same thing that had happened freshman year happened again, but in reverse--he broke up with me, then immediately regretted it, but I wouldn't take him back. He was crushed, heartbroken, destroyed, all that jazz. He cut off all his hair. And still I was unfeeling. Spring quarter we barely spoke, and when we did he would cry and I would turn away.
In retrospect, I have slowly analyzed the whole time period, and I think what really happened was that I panicked about grad school. I had so much on my mind at the time, and was so stressed out about the decision of whether or not to go to grad school, that I eventually just shut down all feeling so that I could take the path my mother wanted me to take. I had originally DECIDED to take a year off; my master plan was to do something, anything, for a year, and then go to UCSF. But my mom hated that idea, and she'd just had a baby and I needed her to love me, so I think what happened was that I shut off ALL my own desires and wants so I could please my mom. And that included shutting off the part of me that loved, which caused me to pull away from Jamie, who of course panicked and tried to cling to me, which of course pushed me further away.
In October, around Jamie's birthday, I started to realize what I'd lost. We'd been so happy together; we'd done so well. And I threw it away. I never looked back, I just dropped him and ran, with no regard for his feelings or for what I was letting go. And as I opened up to my feelings and let myself realize I hated New Haven and the east coast, I also realized I still loved Jamie.
So I spent October through February going through the breakup. Except everyone thought I was nuts, because we'd broken up in March and I was just now dealing with it.
I regret the whole series of events. I think I panicked, and shut down unfairly, and the only reason I've forgiven myself for any of it is that I had no idea at the time why I was shutting down. I noticed, and I worried, and I did try to stop it, but I had no idea what was causing it. I blamed Jamie for being clingy and needy and girly.
Edit: Just to connect the dots from then to now...
We spoke less and less as spring quarter went on, and after I left Santa Cruz we didn't contact each other at all. I held back from contacting him, because Ann (our mutual friend) told me he was dating someone else and seemed happy. I didn't want to stir things up or cause any more pain than I already had, so despite my burning need for closure, I didn't call or email or anything. Then, about a month ago (ish?) he sent me an email saying he just wanted to say hi. We exchanged a couple of emails, and phone numbers, and he downloaded Google Talk and kept saying he'd call to chat, and then he didn't answer an email and never called, so I just dropped it. A couple weeks went by, and then I saw him on GTalk the other night and said hello, and here we are.
Anyway, I'm running out the door right now, but I might come back and edit this later. Does it explain anything? Do I need to add more details? Did I skip anything important?
Near the end of the summer before our third year, we started hanging out again. We spent a month talking and going out to dinner and being friends, really, for the first time. We sat in restaurants for an hour after our food was gone, completely oblivious to the fact that our table was needed. We were just happy to be together. I suppressed my feelings for him, convincing myself that I was misreading his signals and that he couldn't possibly be interested in me again. In October, he agreed to go up to UCSF with me to check out the campus, and because we were going to catch a 5:30 a.m. bus, we figured it would be easier for him to stay at my house. As we were getting ready for bed, he tickled me and I shrieked, and he tickled me again, and then somehow we were lying on the bed and I was looking up into his eyes and then he kissed me, and it was like the world tilted and clicked together and I was home. It was the best feeling I've ever felt.
The next three months were incredible again. It was even better than Round 1. There was some sort of something, we agreed, that was pushing us together, some sort of weird magic force that made it necessary for us to date. It was strange, and wonderful, and we didn't question it too much. He went home with me for Thanksgiving, and I went home with him for the week before Christmas. The three days we spent sick with the flu on the floor of his mother's apartment in San Diego were three of the best days of my life. I had applied to grad school and I had found the man I wanted to marry.
I went home to Reno for two weeks without him, and our first day back together in Santa Cruz was... off. I still don't know why. Later that week I got into Yale, and I think that was just the end of it. At the time I thought I'd simply fallen out of love with him overnight. I thought maybe I'd panicked about how serious we were. Our relationship slowly declined, and in March the exact same thing that had happened freshman year happened again, but in reverse--he broke up with me, then immediately regretted it, but I wouldn't take him back. He was crushed, heartbroken, destroyed, all that jazz. He cut off all his hair. And still I was unfeeling. Spring quarter we barely spoke, and when we did he would cry and I would turn away.
In retrospect, I have slowly analyzed the whole time period, and I think what really happened was that I panicked about grad school. I had so much on my mind at the time, and was so stressed out about the decision of whether or not to go to grad school, that I eventually just shut down all feeling so that I could take the path my mother wanted me to take. I had originally DECIDED to take a year off; my master plan was to do something, anything, for a year, and then go to UCSF. But my mom hated that idea, and she'd just had a baby and I needed her to love me, so I think what happened was that I shut off ALL my own desires and wants so I could please my mom. And that included shutting off the part of me that loved, which caused me to pull away from Jamie, who of course panicked and tried to cling to me, which of course pushed me further away.
In October, around Jamie's birthday, I started to realize what I'd lost. We'd been so happy together; we'd done so well. And I threw it away. I never looked back, I just dropped him and ran, with no regard for his feelings or for what I was letting go. And as I opened up to my feelings and let myself realize I hated New Haven and the east coast, I also realized I still loved Jamie.
So I spent October through February going through the breakup. Except everyone thought I was nuts, because we'd broken up in March and I was just now dealing with it.
I regret the whole series of events. I think I panicked, and shut down unfairly, and the only reason I've forgiven myself for any of it is that I had no idea at the time why I was shutting down. I noticed, and I worried, and I did try to stop it, but I had no idea what was causing it. I blamed Jamie for being clingy and needy and girly.
Edit: Just to connect the dots from then to now...
We spoke less and less as spring quarter went on, and after I left Santa Cruz we didn't contact each other at all. I held back from contacting him, because Ann (our mutual friend) told me he was dating someone else and seemed happy. I didn't want to stir things up or cause any more pain than I already had, so despite my burning need for closure, I didn't call or email or anything. Then, about a month ago (ish?) he sent me an email saying he just wanted to say hi. We exchanged a couple of emails, and phone numbers, and he downloaded Google Talk and kept saying he'd call to chat, and then he didn't answer an email and never called, so I just dropped it. A couple weeks went by, and then I saw him on GTalk the other night and said hello, and here we are.
Anyway, I'm running out the door right now, but I might come back and edit this later. Does it explain anything? Do I need to add more details? Did I skip anything important?
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As usual, there are about a thousand more details and a hundred more facets to this story, but these are the big facts.
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I hope he hasn't given up on you completely. That would be really dumb of him to do. =)
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I don't think he's given up on me completely. He really wants to be friends, and he's the one that contacted me, so I think this is a mutual desire. I think it'll be good.
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-E
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Anything you left out was minor, it seems.
I really hope you guys can stay friends... it sounds like you need it!
bah... stupid mothers and the drama they cause for their kids. Why, oh why....
*hugs*
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