oceantheorem (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
oceantheorem) wrote2008-02-20 02:48 pm
oceantheorem) wrote2008-02-20 02:48 pm
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I've been ridiculously stressed out lately. In theory I should be very relaxed, since I'm freeing myself of graduate school and looking at an amazing array of options. All doors are open to me, and I can do anything I want. I should be excited and happy. I guess part of me is, but a bigger part of me is stressed out about whether or not I'm going to regret the next decisions I make, and about whether or not I'll be poor for the rest of my life, and about where my priorities should lie between location and romance. I need to be in California, but Aaron is here. In the end, I suppose there's no contest, and I already know what I'm going to do, but I've been stressing out about it all the same.
I still feel like my well of ambition and motivation is empty. It used to be a deep well, maybe full of little pebbles and stones and larger rocks and boulders instead of water. And every time I needed some energy, I'd reach in and pull out a rock of the appropriate size--small rocks for bio midterms, large boulders for physics finals... but since qualifying, there just haven't been any rocks at all in the well. I pulled the last one out when I started qualifying, and somehow I just haven't had any more delivered. I have no motivation for ANYthing. It's still a struggle to motivate myself to go climbing, and I LIKE climbing. Not to mention the difficulty I have in making myself do homework for the insulting undergrad class (which I've taken to doing actually during lecture the day it's due) or for the graduate seminar series (which I've taken to doing in 20-30 minutes before class, without reading the paper). Where is all my drive??? How do I start putting energy back INTO the well, faster than I'm trying to pull it out?
I don't even have the energy to finish this post.
I still feel like my well of ambition and motivation is empty. It used to be a deep well, maybe full of little pebbles and stones and larger rocks and boulders instead of water. And every time I needed some energy, I'd reach in and pull out a rock of the appropriate size--small rocks for bio midterms, large boulders for physics finals... but since qualifying, there just haven't been any rocks at all in the well. I pulled the last one out when I started qualifying, and somehow I just haven't had any more delivered. I have no motivation for ANYthing. It's still a struggle to motivate myself to go climbing, and I LIKE climbing. Not to mention the difficulty I have in making myself do homework for the insulting undergrad class (which I've taken to doing actually during lecture the day it's due) or for the graduate seminar series (which I've taken to doing in 20-30 minutes before class, without reading the paper). Where is all my drive??? How do I start putting energy back INTO the well, faster than I'm trying to pull it out?
I don't even have the energy to finish this post.
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Some days I'm at least able to realize this, and then I can apply an idea I got from a friend. 5 minutes or 5 things. I can do something for 5 minutes or do 5 VERY small tasks. Often this is enough to get me moving and I can continue. Other days I'm gentle with myself and I just veg.
It's hard. You aren't alone. *hugs*
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I'm definitely struggling with the daily crap. I keep forgetting to eat dinner. At least Aaron makes me go to tango lessons, or I'd probably just hide in bed all the time. I've been canceling climbing lately, though...
Today feels like one of those days when I can't even accomplish 5 very small tasks. I think I need some sort of vacation or "reset."
Anyway. Thanks for the advice. *hugs*