oceantheorem | Should I stay or should I go?

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Should I stay or should I go?

My hand is still killing me. I think I'm going to try to avoid my computer ALL DAY tomorrow to give it a chance to heal, but for now I think I really need to write. This week has just been crazy.

Thursday morning I went to talk to our admissions coordinator, who is really awesome and has helped me out with a few other freakouts. I told her I was thinking about transferring and what did she think, and she said she thought I'd already made up my mind, and that if I was miserable, then I should go. So I started crying. We talked for about twenty more minutes, and she gave me some suggestions for which steps to take next and who to speak to, and how taking a year off works, and what to tell Yale if I did that and used my time off to reapply to UCSF. It was a crazy conversation. I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders--they're gonna let me go home!--and at the same time I felt a deep sense of panic--there are things here I've come to love, and there's no guarantee I'd get those things back. I've got great friends here, and I really do like Yale.

In fact, I spent the rest of Thursday thinking, "This is crazy. I've been wanting to transfer since I got here, and finally a professor suggests it and an administrator supports it, and I don't want to go anymore?"
Friday morning I met with the campus counselor. She was largely useless. I spent the full 45 minutes giving her the backstory and explaining stuff and never really got to discussing the future. The only thing I decided was that I should make a giant pro/con list.
Then I went to talk to Susan again, and she informed me that she might not have enough funding to take any grad students this year. I ignored this, because she's crazy, and there will be funding, or, or... or... um... I'll just show up and start working and she'll deal with it. We also talked again about transferring, and she was supportive. Now I'm starting to wonder--do they not want me here?

Thing is, I really have been thinking about transferring since... since before I left Santa Cruz. I promised myself, back in April 2006, that I would give it one good year at Yale. That I would try my hardest, and do my best to fit in, and that at the end of that year I'd reevaluate, and if I was miserable I'd come home. I made this pact before I ever even left California, and I've held onto it like a security blanket. That faint hope got me through the long dark winter. But at some point I stopped hanging on to it as a real hope; maybe once I realized I'd missed the application deadline for the 07-08 school year, I stopped thinking that it was a reasonable hope. Thinking about it this week as something I could ACTUALLY do was both exciting and terrifying. The parts of me (the very few, small parts of me) that have actually managed to settle in New Haven and bond with Yale are reluctant to let go and take the risk of starting over. I really would have to start over; this year would be a complete academic loss. I might get some classes waived, but I'd have to do rotations and be a first year student all over again. On the other hand... California.

California.

It's almost, almost enough to think that I'll go back after I graduate. To think that there are only four or five more years to give to New Haven, and then I never have to leave California again. But the miserable part of me screams and writhes to contemplate four or five more years away from the sunshine, the fog, the climbing walls, the weed (and still, I don't even smoke). I guess I just have to sit down and figure out how much of me still really wants to leave, and how much of me is just afraid to let go of the idea that I can leave. In some ways, realizing that I CAN transfer has made me feel a lot better about staying; I originally felt that I came to Yale for some specific reason, that I'm SUPPOSED to be here, and I'm staying here because I'm SUPPOSED to. But since Thursday I've felt like maybe I'm here because I choose to be here. And does that make all the difference? I'm not sure yet.

I had a really good conversation with my mom (actually, two of them) this week. I finally decided to take a chance and tell her what I was actually going through, so I opened up (and expected to be ignored or brushed off), and amazingly she was really supportive and helpful and honest. We talked about living alone, and being 21, and sleep paralysis and how it's linked to feeling insecure. We talked about transferring, and mood drugs, and expensive counselors. And holistic healing and how her insurance will cover it, so I can go have some weird voodoo performed on my midsection and maybe it will stop destroying my life. Anyway, it was awesome to talk to my mom so directly again, to be Rory and Lorelai and actually connect. I missed that. I'm glad it's still there.

And it's been a good weekend. I've hung out with friends, gotten drunk and gossipped (and on a side note, I had the desire to drunk dial people last night, and went through a list of possibilities, and only realized this morning that Graham was on the list and Jamie wasn't--which reinforces that I'm correct in saying I'm over him), slept, and had a lovely two hours alone in lab (I love empty labs) doing minipreps and cell culture, followed by hanging out sober at a bar with two of my favorite people in the world. How could I leave these things? Even for California?

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Oh yeesh.
I think you may have posted this entry earlier than you meant to, but I think you probably already know how much I identify with this...there are things here I've come to love, and there's no guarantee I'd get those things back. Yep.

Yeah, I'm still working on finishing the entry. Stupid lj. Give me ten minutes.

Cool. I'll come back. (:

i know what you mean...although, i haven't made any great friends here, i do know that if i went back to ucla geography (something i have...and continue to ponder), it would not be all that it once was. the friends i did have there would be gone and even some of the profs. it's a different situation from yours, i know. but there is also always the possibility that it would be even better than then. or at least better than what i have now...

i like that feeling of not feeling so stuck. now that i'm leaning very strongly toward this new dissertation topic, i feel much, much better (even if everything else seems to be falling apart). it's nice to know that things can change (or not) and that we do have some control over life, you know?

i'm looking forward to the rest of this post.

perfect icon.

K, whole thing is up now. :-)

Yeah... It's a tough call. There are a lot of things here I'd miss. And I hate (HATE) missing things.

Whole post is up now. :-)

It's definitely true that if I went back to California, it wouldn't be the same. Everyone is gone. And I would go to UCSF, not to UCSC, so I wouldn't even be in the same town to be there for the things I keep saying I miss--certain beaches, restaurants, trees. Everything would be different. So who's to say whether or not I'd even be happier if I went back? Who's to say I wouldn't just be miserable over leaving Yale?
And who's to say I wouldn't be fantastically World Series happy all the time?
*sigh*

I do think that a sense of control, and a realization that we have options, makes not changing anything easier. Just to know that you can is a big comfort.
Your new dissertation topic sounds neat, by the way. I'm glad you met the Jesus lady. :-)

i'm clearly very biased toward california (but much less so toward UCSF), but i dunno...there are lots of people here to get drunk with and gossip with (and about). and, having kind of done the "new grad student" thing twice, it really doesn't hurt to have done it once before.

i must admit, though...that i don't usually get very attached to my friends. i know that many people are very attached to theirs.

Hehe, I love that icon. I never get to use it. Same with this one.

*sigh* I know, and I'm sure I'd make more friends. It's so much easier to make friends as a first year grad student; they practically glue you to your classmates. But I do love the friends I've made here, and even though I've only known them nine months, I think I'd really miss them. But are they worth being miserable? I don't know... there are just too many factors.

what are the details of applying and how would that work out with yale? could you apply and then decide between the two, or would you have to decide to leave yale before you could apply elsewhere? i imagine there might be some difficulty, just with department politics and wanting to avoid awkwardness, but i think that if you could apply to ucsf before deciding to leave yale it might help you to see how you really feel about the situation. i don't know if that makes sense...

There are two ways this could work out, when I email or call UCSF later this week.

1. They tell me they had dismal acceptances this year (Yale did, I don't know if any other universities did) and that they'll take me this fall. I freak out and choose. If I go to UCSF, I lose a year.

2. They tell me I have to reapply in December. In this case, I apply for a leave of absence from Yale, and go to San Francisco to work a tech job while I apply and see if being back in CA makes me any happier. If it does, and I get in (which I'm 100% sure I would), then I stay. If it doesn't, I come back and start my second year at Yale as my friends start their third. In this scenario, I lose at LEAST one year, if not two. Not that that's necessarily a problem, but it should be noted.

3. I decide to do nothing, and stay at Yale and make the best of it, losing no time but possibly remaining miserable for an indefinite period of time.

i think the second option, while it might leave you a year or two behind, might be a good way to go. no rushed decisions and it leaves you with two choices as far as school goes. plus, you're young!(!!!)

but...of course...it's your life. it's funny how we have to make choices about which choices we want!

Now, what do YOU think of the idea that Yale will get better with time? After my friend Christina first suggested that, I was like, "No way, I've been here for two years already, I know this place and I know nothing's going to change!" but I've come to think she has a point.

If time strengthens new bonds and weakens old ones, anyway, then I guess one should expect to like Yale more and miss California less with the passage of time.

On the other hand, you would make more friends. You've known the people here nine months, so it's fair to assume that it would take you that long to get attached to people in CA, yes? And you are looking at staying in CT much longer than that if you decide to stick with Yale. Is it worth passing up those 9 months or however long to get settled in CA in exchange for an extra 4 or 5 years here rather than there?

That's awesome that your mom was supportive and helpful, though.

And are you seriously only 21? How did that happen? Do I already know this story?

The economist in me is all about option 2, too.

But are you someone who finds it hard to live with ambiguity/not having made a decision/not knowing what's going to happen in the future? Sometimes I find I'd rather just have things decided, and then I can deal with whatever comes.

I know a lot of people aren't like that, though.

Yeah, option 2 sounds the most... rational. And yet utterly terrifying, because it still involves choosing to leave Yale, if even for just a short time. I'd have to move back across the country. And then possibly back again! *dies*

No, I'm the same way. I want to KNOW what I'm doing. I like to have a plan. Having options is great and wonderful, but it also makes me nervous. I hate choosing; I'm always terrified I'll choose incorrectly.

And if choosing Yale was the wrong choice, then does choosing to leave fix it or is it a two wrongs don't make a right sort of situation?

Aaaauuuuugggghhh... I don't knoooooowwww.....

What if all the reasons I made up to support not going to UCSF turn out to be true? What if all the students are completely absorbed in their research and never do anything outside lab? What if Yale really is freakin awesome, and... and... *panics*

I graduated early from UCSC and came straight to grad school. I'm "supposed" to be a college senior this year. I'm the youngest person in my class here, which sometimes makes me feel uber smart and cool, and sometimes makes me feel like I've missed out on a lot of things, including being young and stupid, and learning how to do simple things like PCR.
I'll be 22 in a week and a half!

well...

1. you'll have to leave yale eventually someday, anyway.
2. if you leave and you want to return, then return.
3. maybe you need a break from school for a short while, and you won't exactly be selling oranges, you know?

as for moving, that's always a pain, be it from one state to another, or just down the road.

1. Yeah, but if I left now all my friends would still be here, whereas if I leave in four or five years they'll leave too.

2. Valid.

3. Maybe... but I do love grad school. And I'd still be doing science, y'know? The experience would be good, but not really the point of the endeavor. I'd miss grad school.

Moving sucks.

I have no idea what I want.

yeah. i guess i can't really relate or advise. like i said before...i just don't get very attached to (or prioritize) friends.

It's cool; I'm really looking for discussion more than advice. I'm trying to decide how much I should prioritize them. But I guess that's probably something only I can do.

I don't know, I guess I don't see what the value is in trying to characterize the choice to go to Yale as "wrong" or "right". The fact is you're here now, and whether it's wrong or right for you now may have nothing to do with the nature of the decision you took last year or whenever.

If you made a mistake in deciding to come here, and it would actually be good for you at this point to go back to CA, then I guess two wrongs do make a right. But as far as I can see it's also LOGICALLY (purely logically) possible that you made a mistake in deciding to come here, and you'd make a mistake in deciding to leave.

Uh yeah. So all I'm trying to say is, I don't think your original decision frame really bears considering at this point, because it's over now, and you're in a new decision frame.

That was long. I'm tired. (:

What if all the reasons I made up to support not going to UCSF turn out to be true? What if all the students are completely absorbed in their research and never do anything outside lab? What if Yale really is freakin awesome, and... and... *panics*

Aaaaah, I totally identify with this given that I barely even considered Stanford as an incoming freshman. Of course, my situation is different in the sense that if I had actually gone to Stanford in the first place, I probably wouldn't have the reasons I have now for wanting to go there, because I would have met Venkat during the school year and we probably wouldn't have hooked up (although, who knows) and basically life would be really different now etc. etc.

But now it's weird that at the time I was like "NO, Stanford, ew, it's too close to home and besides the kids there are STOOPID and half of them went to my high school and I didn't even like them," and now in theory I have no reason to believe that those two things aren't still exactly the same.

The thing is, though...well there are two things. First of all, I think we're all better at dealing with things in the moment than we give ourselves credit for. If you go to UCSF, eventually the comparison with Yale will fade and you'll do what you can with what you have.

Second of all, even if everything you originally made up about UCSF turns out to be true, you have some legit extra information now about what Yale is like. You were here, and you didn't like it. Maybe once you leave, you won't remember why exactly you didn't like it, but basically, whatever is true of UCSF, you know Yale isn't doing it for you. Which you didn't know when you made the original decision. But now you know. And if it turns out that what bothers you about Yale is something that will bother you at UCSF also, then you'll be in a better position to realize how best to deal with it.

Sorry to write you a novel, but I have a lot of thoughts about this particular decision at this particular point in time!

What's PCR? I'm young and stupid.

Why'd you graduate early?

A week and a half...good timing, especially on semesters! (:

These are very good points. I have been trying to remind myself that, even if it was the wrong decision to come to Yale, it may or may not be wrong to stay. Perhaps Yale isn't the place for me, and staying will continue to make me unhappy. But perhaps I've adjusted just enough to make staying the right decision--perhaps my net happiness over the next five years will be greater if I stay where I am. Ultimately I think that whatever I decide has to be something I'm comfortable deciding; I think part of the reason I've been so unhappy here was that I was so unsure of my decision to come. Maybe if I feel like I've made a solid decision, to stay OR to go, I'll feel happier.

Hmmm. This is a great discussion; I have so many more things to think about now!

I think my ultimate fear is more of a short-term one at this point. And it's fairly subjective. My fear is that, by staying, I'll "adjust" and be happy here next year, whereas if I leave, I'll have to adjust to UCSF and make new friends all over again, and might spend next year miserable. I guess I'm just worried that I might be happy here eventually, and by leaving I might be denying myself that happy adjustedness.

PCR is the Polymerase Chain Reaction. It's a way of amplifying very small amounts of DNA. Basically, you put some DNA and some enzymes in a machine overnight, and the machine changes the temperature up and down in such a way that the enzymes synthesize more DNA that's identical to the stuff you put in. It's a pretty basic biological technique, and all it requires you to do is mix small amounts of clear stuff together accurately. And I suck at it. Probably because I wasn't in basic biology as an undergrad, and therefore never did PCR before coming here.

I graduated early partly "because I could," and partly because I was paying out-of-state tuition and my parents weren't helping me. I couldn't afford a fourth year. And I'm the type of person that says, "I can take all these classes at the same time? Everyone else will think I'm crazy and overworked? BRING IT." Yeah. I'm a masochist.

Stupid semesters. I have a paper due two days before my birthday, and a final four days after. No partying for me. :-(

DEFINITELY. I totally agree. If you've seen the comments

pickamuffin has been leaving on my transfer-related posts...she's like, "Dude, it doesn't MATTER where you are, what matters is what you're willing to bring to it and the kind of experience you insist on making it for yourself." Which is...well, I think it probably DOES matter where I am, to some extent, but probably less than I think right now. And I TOTALLY think you're right, making a positive choice to be somewhere does a LOT for wanting to invest in making that situation work out.

It's why I'm afraid of the scenario where I don't get in to Stanford and end up staying at Yale...I will have to work pretty hard on not liking it less than I did before I started thinking about transferring.

Yeahhhh, I have the same fear, really, exactly the same...but the thing is, if you'd have gotten adjusted here, then you'll end up getting adjusted there, right? You'll just be losing this one year, effectively but then you'll have a few more afterward, in which presumably to love life.

Cool, so I'm not young and stupid, just not a bio major (: that sounds neat. Do you have to do a lot of that?

I didn't know you were from out of state! Where are you from?

It's cool that you managed to get that done and have a life at the same time. I'm afraid that if I transfer, all my worries about fitting in socially will be moot anyway, because I'll have to spend all my time working my butt off merely in order to get out of there with a degree.

Oh no! I guess I figured (for some reason) you'd be done earlier than the undergrads...and I guess my last exam is probably around your birthday. That sucks. ):

Yeah, I definitely think that having a say in the matter is half the issue. I'm sure you'll get in to Stanford; two years of academic good standing at Yale speak pretty highly.

These days I do have to do quite a bit of PCR. We use it to get enough DNA to mess around with; cut it up, stick it to other DNA, inject it into bunnies, that sort of thing. Really, PCR shouldn't be that hard, you just put the stuff in the tube and then turn on the machine. Many biologists swear that there are PCR gods that work some sort of black magic on the reaction, and I'm pretty sure that the PCR gods hate me.

I went to high school in Reno. So not that far from California, but far enough to have to pay out-of-state....

Haha, I don't know if I could really say that I had a life at UCSC. I loved my life, and I had some awesome social times, but for the most part I worked really hard. I don't have many friends from undergrad, probably because the only two people I had time to hang out with were my roommate and my boyfriend. But I loved it. Adored it. Every second. I'd do the whole thing again in a heartbeat (but I'd try to arrange the universe so I could afford a fourth year).

Eh, my last final is the 14th, and I'm really not that worried about it. My birthday is the 9th. I'll probably celebrate a bit that Friday, and then get back to studying, but like I said--not that worried about it. Besides, 22 isn't one of those years you're supposed to go all crazy over. :-)

Yeah I mean...my grades are really good, and I assume my letters are good, and one of them is from Paul Bloom who's famous and shit, and both my parents teach at Stanford, so at this point I've accepted that only a fluke would prevent me from getting in.

But flukes happen. I'm more worried after the peer counseling rejection, because there's no way in the world I should have not gotten that, because I've heard all my life that I'd make a great counselor, but I didn't get it. Of course the two things (peer counseling and Stanford) have NOTHING to do with one another, but that's my mind for you.

Anyway. Thank you.

I think the peer counseling thing was a fluke. And did you tell them you were thinking of transferring? They might have wanted someone they knew would be here....

Hang in there.

Yeah, I did tell them. And you're right, I'm sure the transferring thing probably played a role.

Also the fact that it was weird the way I told them, haha. That was pretty dumb. My story had been that I might be going abroad second semester, which I had in fact been thinking about before the transferring thing came up. So I put that on the written application. And then in the interview they were like "So you might be going abroad?" "Actually...I might be transferring schools." "Oh, only second semester?" "No, both." "...Okay..."

Heh. Oops.

And thank you. You too!! <3

i'm glad i introduced you two.

did i tell you that my sister has decided to go to UNR? not as good as UCSC, but probably better than idaho state...

I am too!

No, you didn't tell me that. UNR isn't a bad school. What's she studying?

i *think* communications.

i'm really relieved, actually. i know she loved UCSC and i know she's sticking around reno for a dude, but i was honestly thinking she might not go to a university at all, so this is definitely a good thing.

Reno. Man. It would take a lot of wild horses to make me stay in Reno, even if a dude was involved.

But I'm glad she's going to school. I hope she's happy. UNR, like I said, isn't a bad school, so an education from there will definitely be a good thing.

yeah...she is very sheltered and very young (18) and this is her first boyfriend ever. i wish she wasn't so damn attached, but there's nothing i can say or do that i haven't already said or done. grrr.

still...it's definitely a lot better than it could be.

I've learned so much (about you, about me) from reading your blog - about all your experiences, and what it's like to be a grad student. I know I've said what I'm about to say in other words before, but I'll recant one more time: I would give anything to be accepted to an Ivy League graduate program. I was rejected by the two I applied to this year, BUT I now understand that a name brand school will not make me happy, not cement future success in my endeavors, and not be the be-all, end-all life-defining experience in my life. I still think I'm good enough for grad school, and I'll do what it takes to get there.

Thank you, Kara...for being honest about your life. Just telling it like it is. I know I'm still a stranger an entire coast away...but your words mean a lot. I learn a lot from you.

What are we SUPPOSED to do? It's amazing that we actually feel that way; that we're SUPPOSED to be somewhere, SUPPOSED to be taking a particular path.

I think we'll both be okay. Someone as cool as you deserves "okayness" at the very least.

I think I'm beginning to realize that things don't always work out the way you expect them to (I know people say that all the time, but I think it's just starting to sink in). I didn't plan on going straight into grad school, and I sure didn't plan on going to an Ivy League, and I haven't been terribly happy this last year. I didn't expect to ever be happy here. But thinking about transferring has made me evaluate the things that are good here, and strangely enough I'm thinking I might stay, and I might be okay with that. I think life sort of takes its own form sometimes, no matter how hard you try to control it, or how much you may think you know what is best for you next. Maybe not going to grad school this year will turn out to be a really good thing this year, and you'll get into your top choice next fall, and life will be amazing. I dunno. Either way, I think you're going to be fine; you seem like a very in-control, intelligent, reasonable person, and I think you can handle whatever comes your way.

Thanks for thanking me. I often feel like I'm whining or freaking out overly much, but these are the thoughts that occupy my mind, and it helps to write them down. I'm glad it helps someone else to read them.

Hang in there. :-) Good times are ahead, even if they're not imminently visible.

Holy smokes. 42 comments so far. I'm comin' in a bit late on this one, Kara. Anyway, it is good to see you thinking rationally about things and realizing that some things are out of your control and some things aren't. You seem to be finding that happy medium a bit better now and coming to terms with it. Sometimes (as you pointed out), all we can take solace in is the fact that we do indeed have options and choices, even if sometimes that means we have enough rope to hang ourselves with.

Anyway...I wish you the best of luck making your decision. I know that you will succeed and make your life work whatever you decide.

-Evan

Ha, yeah. We got a little carried away.

I guess I do feel like I'm finding some sort of balance. Funny thing is that it's been there the whole time. I could have reached out and grabbed onto it, and I just... didn't. That's a bit frustrating.

Anyway, thanks. It's been a tough thing to think about so far.

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Should I stay or should I go?

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