oceantheorem: (Solitaire)
I've been kinda flaily the last few days. I found a new author on teh intarwebs, and read a bunch of his articles, and came across one about how NaNoWriMo is terrible. Because most people fail, and then those people think they can't be writers.

Holy crap, I thought. That happened to me. That goddamn happened to me.

And I'd already been a bit flaily about work for... oh... a few years (ha! no, but really, the last two months have been kinda trying). What am I DOING? Do I want to keep doing lame lab tech benchwork for the rest of my life? I mean, sure, it's relatively easy, and I'm relatively good at it, but it's also pretty boring and not very meaningful. It's... honestly, it's not even paying very well. I want to be doing something more interesting, and more challenging, and something less... irrelevant?

I don't know what that "something" is. It's probably NOT writing.  It did take me a while to realize that one can "be a writer" without writing novels, and I still don't think I want to write novels (though maybe I'm wrong. I do want to revisit that last failed NaNo story and see if I can fix it now that I'm not trying to slavishly produce 1667 words every day. it had time travel AND pirates). But trying to create a blog or a large base of short stories or some other written body of work that would produce income also sounds pretty horrifying. And like a really good way to kill my passion for writing altogether.

So, I'm still pretty flaily about what I want to do with my career, but after a couple of days of intense thought, and several really good conversations with my spouse and my incredibly intelligent friends, I think I am going to start a blog. And write about non-traditional life choices - everything from sexuality to diet to childlessness. I set up a wordpress and I'll link over to it once I've got a few articles up. I have ideas for a bunch already, and I guess I'm sitting here writing this instead of over there writing those because I still kinda needed to give myself a pep talk telling me it's okay to do it. Even if it won't make money (I expect not to). Even if I don't keep up with it for five or ten or fifteen or two years (I... expect not to). At least I will be doing something creative, something I enjoy, something that will stretch my brain a little - and maybe something that will help other people think about the way they live their lives.
oceantheorem: (crazy but ok)
We've moved into an apartment we're calling Shoebox Palace. Some of you  may have seen pictures of it on Google+; it is very very small and very very expensive, but we actually love it. It gets tons of sunlight, and the vaulted ceiling gives us acres of wallspace for our extremely nerdy art (cutaway pictures of Firefly, posters of the Ladies of Firefly, umpteen framed dragon art pieces, a horrible parody of Wil Wheaton and Felicia Day, etc), so we are now once again surrounded by things that make us feel at home. The living area is actually pretty spacious, and who needs a dining area anyway? We don't miss having one. A dishwasher would be nice, as would our own washer/dryer, but you can't have everything, right?

There is a little market about a block away. The safest way to get there is to avoid the main road to our right and instead go down the dark alleyway through the center of the block. I am not even kidding. I am pretty sure that if I walk along the big road by myself I will get raped. By contrast, the alley is populated by people who are probably homeless and maybe a little crazy, but not one of them has tried to talk to me or touch me, which is in sharp contrast to the big road. Anyway, the market itself is fabulous. It is half produce section and one third meat section, and everything they sell is incredibly cheap. Avocados are three for $1. Plantains are $0.79/lb. A giant bundle of cilantro is $0.79. I've made two batches of guacamole in the last week (WHOEVER GAVE US THE CUISINART, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT I LOVE YOU), and each time it's lasted for a couple days and has cost under $2. This is wonderful considering Jim has still not received a paycheck.

He at least has a job, and has been working since we got back from Dragon*Con (which was amazing, just like last year, and we already have our tickets for next year), but his company is incredibly disorganized and tends not to know where he is, or what cargo he's picking up, or whether the clients he's dealing with are actually open (hint, if it's a Sunday, they probably aren't. good job, company.). I am beginning to fear that they are going to come out and claim that Jim was never actually hired, and thus not pay him a single cent. Or worse, pay him for the last three weeks and the entire thing will be like $300.  Uuuuuggghh.

My dad is trying to get a housing voucher from the VA to live in San Francisco, so he's been around a lot lately, which has been really good. He is incredibly insecure, so I've been trying to reassure him that I do love him and that the distance I keep from him is because I'm married and just moved and got a new job and omg my life is busy. But Jim suggested we have my dad over for dinner, so we did on Saturday, and it was awesome. It went really well, and they are getting along just fine, and it was an enjoyable evening. I look forward to doing that again and forming a normal bond with my dad. Plus, he wants to teach both Jim and me everything he knows about leatherworking, which will be AWESOME. My dad uses his leather skills mostly to make belts and guitar straps and stuff for other people, mainly things with like football logos or mustang heads or whatever on them. Jim and I will use these skills to make leather armor and costume steampunk gear. We are excited.

I got to see my mom a couple weekends ago for the Reno Balloon Races, which was fun. We took my little sister (now 6.5yo), who had never been before. She was more interested in going to look for frogs in the pond than she was in the hot air balloons. Seriously, this child and I have nothing in common. She's a bright kid though, so that's good. And seeing my mom was awesome. I'm hoping to entice her over to the city to go to operas and plays and stuff - as soon as Jim starts getting a paycheck and we can afford to do that kind of thing.

I've been playing an online writing game. I think the technical description is "play-by-post online role-playing game". It started in February and has really been picking up lately; I just finished running a giant event that seems to have brought back some inactive people and drawn in some new ones, which is awesome. The world we play in is mostly based off the Dragonriders of Pern series, with some Dune influence thrown in. It's been cool to work on writing lately; it's a hobby I've had for ages but haven't been able to indulge in much in the last half-decade or so. I still don't think I'll do NaNoWriMo again, as I have no lingering desire to write a novel, but I AM really enjoying spending a lot of my free time writing little scenes with the handful of characters I've created.

We went to a Ren Faire last weekend. I got my hair braided. It was awesome.

All in all, things are much much much MUCH better than they were in August. I'd say we're very nearly settled now, and I might even be re-developing a fondness for San Francisco, though I'm wary now. City, you have burned me, and you must earn my renewed affection!
oceantheorem: (gg R pensive)
 I joined yet another group on Ravelry, this time one themed at writing weekly vignettes.  They're in week 3, and the prompt is really intriguing.  I've been kicking it around in my head for the last two days, but haven't settled on something specific to write about.

Assignment #3: Building
"I recently drove past my childhood home and was hit with a rush of memories. Couldn't help but smile. I spent the rest of the day thinking back... Struck me that things like houses hold so much of our past, present, and future.
This week's assignment is to write a story or essay in which a building is a character in and of itself, symbolically, literally, thematically, any way it speaks to you."

I'm wondering about buildings that aren't houses... things like hospitals, grocery stores, gas stations.  But so far no specific stories are grabbing me.
oceantheorem: (Default)
 I've managed to write in my paper journal almost every day for the last ten days.  I didn't write over the weekend, while Jim was home, but it's surprisingly easy to stay up an extra ten minutes each weeknight to make myself write down the day and date.  That's pretty much all I'm committing myself to--I just have to open the journal, write the day of the week and the date, and then I have fulfilled my goal.  Of course, by that time I always figure I might as well write a sentence, and so far that first sentence has always led to at least one full page.  It ended up resulting in two pages last night, when I really did think for a few minutes all I was going to get written was the date.

So I dunno about updating here, but I really am making an effort to start writing and thinking again. I use writing as a way to get my mind working, and to sort through problems in my life and in my head.  This journal has sort of come to feel like a way to keep distant friends and family alerted as to what I'm up to, but I've never been very good at correspondance, and it seems hard sometimes to write an update on goings-on when I don't even know if anyone is still reading.  So I guess the point is that if I'm going to write in this journal again (and I don't ever want this journal to fully die--I really do like the livejournal format, and I have some good contacts solely here), I need to stop thinking of it as a blog designed to keep a record of my activities, and more as a forum for discussion about major concerns.

I think I knew all that already, but it helps to write it out.  (See!! Case in point.)

I had a meeting with my boss on Monday to have my annual review.  I don't think I've ever had an annual review before (well, I've never had a real job before...), so it was pretty terrifying.  But it went really, really well. He is giving me a (very small) raise, and thinks I'm doing well, except for a few small points I was already aware of (like the fact that I tend not to do things he asks me to do if I think they're unimportant).  So I'll try to shore up those points.  I also managed to find the guts to tell him I'll be looking for a new job within the next year (though I did take a slightly balls-less (what word am I thinking of that means balls-less? I'm drawing a blank) approach to it and say it would be a California job), which he took really well.  He is a pretty good boss, and seems to understand that employees eventually move on.
Hopefully I will actually be able to find something.  I would like to find a lab job somewhere.

I still have no idea what I want to do with my life.  This is greatly unsettling to me.  I used to have everything figured out, and I still feel like I'm drifting and directionless, and I don't know what to do about it.  Are there exercises you go through?  "Eat 3 ounces of mustard, stab yourself with a sewing needle in your third toe on your left foot, dance around in a clockwise circle outside while wearing something green, and then the meaning of your life will be revealed to you."
Meanwhile I am only able to compile a list of closed doors, and that gets disheartening, even when I've willingly closed them myself.

Okay, back to work--I've been unable to focus all day today, and was hoping writing would help get me back into a productive state of mind.  Time to go try it out.
oceantheorem: (gg rory's list)
It just occurred to me I have been MIA for a while.  Let me catch you up on why.

First off, November is National Novel Writing Month.  Many of you know of this already, and are participating alongside me.  For those of you who don't know, I am trying to write 50 thousand words in 30 days, between November 1st and November 30th.  I tried last year and made it to about 11k before giving up in favor of spending hours on the phone with my new boyfriend (speaking of which, we just had our one year anniversary! yay!!).  I'm trying the same story again this year and am doing much better.  So far.  It's about pirates and interdimensional travel (which ended up meaning it's got some time travel in it, drat--I did NOT want to write about time travel problems, but there they are, and what are you going to do) and the main character is so far the least interesting person in the story.  Except for maybe her love interest.  Sigh.  Anyway.  I don't know if I will make it to 50k, but I really want to try.

I was going to do my dad's biography instead of the pirate thing, but I realized it just wouldn't be possible to meet the word count every day if I have to call him constantly to ask him about stuff.  That is high on the list though, so maybe I will tackle it in December/January.

The second ridiculous commitment is graduate school applications.  They are all due December 1st, but all I have left to do now is write my final draft of my statement of purpose, pay the app fees if I can't get them waived, and make sure all three of my letter writers actually upload their letters.  Getting the three recommenders was a HUGE ordeal, but I'm not sure it's something I should post on a public journal, so if you want the sordid story in all its dramatic glory, let me know and I'll email it to you.  It's definitely exciting.

The third horrible commitment is knitting.  I'm in this group on Ravelry that has 3-month-long "terms" composed of "classes" that last 1 month each.  So each month there are six "classes" offered, and you have to knit at least one of them--they're things like "knit something cabled" or "knit something in a plant fiber" or "knit something embodying love".  This month there is one to clear a "weed" out of your project basket and finish it up--guess which one I have chosen?  Yep.  The wedding blanket o' doom, for my favorite cousin, which should have been gifted to her, oh, I dunno, maybe BEFORE her first child was born.  The nice thing is that if I get this finished, I get bonus points for things like the project having reached "mythic" status (i.e. the intended recipient no longer believes it exists) and for a video testimonial.  If I am diligent and actually accomplish this--plans are to do it this weekend--I am pretty sure I can bribe aforementioned cousin to do a short video testimonial for me.  Right, K la?  Right???  (I promise it won't take more than two minutes away from NaNo.  It can be a 10-second video. Really.  I will beg.)

So the last stupid thing I'm doing in November is also knitting. For the same group.  It's supposed to be a project that takes the entire 3 months of the "term", and I decided to do something ambitious back in September, not realizing that everything would all be due on November 30th at the same time.  So I'm knitting this. It's a lace shawl (my first lace).  It's huge.  It is on tiny needles.  The "hard" part (the center) took me two months.  Now I'm on the "slow" part--knitting 5,000 beads into the netting on the outside.  I'm about 1,200 beads into it.  Putting the beads on entails sitting for an hour or two (while watching tv or something) and dipping a beading needle repeatedly into a bowl of beads, then locking the cat in the bedroom and unstringing hundreds of yards of lace up and down the hallway and pushing thousands of beads down those hundreds of yards until there is about three inches in between EACH BEAD, and then re-balling those hundreds of beaded yards so they don't tangle.  And THEN knitting with them.

(I'm in love with it, by the way.  I do not at all mind the effort that goes into the beading. I'm so in love with this shawl it could kill a man and I would forgive it.)

So yes, if you've been paying attention, all of this is due at the end of the month.  Gigantic beautiful shawl, Wedding Blanket o' Doom (9 seams to go...), fifty thousand words, and, most importantly, grad school applications.

Oh yeah, and I work full-time.

Oh, and did I mention we're spending the last week of November in Reno with my parents?  So I'll be finishing all this stuff while having Thanksgiving and trying to be social with my family.

I'll see you in December. If I'm still alive then. 

(Thank goodness Mom's 50th birthday is at the end of December and not the end of November.)

(Note--reading over this post makes it sound like I'm whining.  Oh man, so not whining.  All of this stuff I'm doing by choice, and I'm having a blast.  I'm just exhausted!)

oceantheorem: (gg R wiped)
For the last week or so I've been writing BRILLIANT lj entries in my head and walking around editing them and making them sound fantastic, and somehow I just never get around to typing them out when I sit down at the computer. I mean, I'm holding on to classic phrases like, "And that's when I realized the 4-year-old was better at Mario Kart than I was" and "I was finally able to use Flames of Phlegethos, after weeks of rolling fours." But now that I look back over the rough drafts in my head, it's not worth backing up a week to write up a whole entry just so I can talk about how a little girl pwned me at Mario Kart.

Claire is chewing on EVERYTHING. Including... the wall??

I've been working at the silly university bookstore for the last week, waking up at the unholy hour of 6am to trudge through the dark and the cold and the snow to earn a few measly dollars each day. It's actually not so bad, except that I got sick over the weekend, and trying to be friendly and upbeat and efficient when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and whimper made today's work... unpleasant. And tomorrow's shift is longer. So. We'll see. Maybe I'll just shoot myself and have done with the whole thing.

I emailed a few random science editors over the holidays and got some nice replies back, so I've been networking (calling the phone numbers each successive person gives me) and making a few nice long Word documents with helpful hints and tips about where to look and how to get my name out there.

Anyway. I totally had an awesome post written up in my head when I sat down to write this ten minutes ago, and of course now for the life of me I can't remember a single thing I actually wanted to say. I was hoping that babbling for three paragraphs would help, but it hasn't.

So yeah.

Good times.
oceantheorem: (women and tea)
1) I talked to my mom a couple of days ago and she related a really cute Elena story. I guess they bought a bunch of hummingbird feeders (they needed more than one...??). They hung up a few of them one day and were successful in observing hummingbirds that afternoon, so they went out the next day to hang up some more, at which point Elena looked at my mom, pointed at one of the feeders, and proclaimed very matter-of-factly, "A hummingbird is not a lobster." As though my mother had been confused!

Kids are ridiculously cute sometimes.

2) Claire just alerted me that she was out of food by sneezing repeatedly and then glaring at me. I really wish I spoke her language....

3) I'm horribly addicted to an awful thing called PonyIsland. Whatever you do, don't go to ponyisland.net and sign up and begin breeding pixel ponies. Please. The My Little Ponies will eat your soul. Oh, and if you do sign up, DEFINITELY don't tell them oceanaura sent you, 'cause you wouldn't want to give me credit for stealing your soul after I warned you and everything.
But look at how cute mine are!

4) I read back through some journal entries, which is my wont about every four or five months, and discovered once again that I am brilliant and funny. This encourages my desire from earlier this week to write more stories! I should finish the unrequited love among coral story.... Actually, I think it's pretty much done, except I feel stupid for how little I know about coral and how ridiculous this story would be if read by coral-studying scientists.
I also started a story about unrequited love among humans about the same time as the coral, and got three pages into it before I realized
a) you cannot write a happy story about unrequited love without it becoming a story of requited love
b) you cannot kill off the main characters in order to solve this problem if you're writing the story because a teenage friend of yours asked for it
c) I'm never going to get my payment of two stacks of Buzzard Meat if I can't figure out how to end this story.

5) There is no number five, because I sat here for ten minutes and went back to 3 and added more pictures and now we're just going to pretend that didn't happen and move straight on to 6.

7) I lied about 6.

8) I got a callback for the insurance company, as mentioned in the last entry, and I'm really really excited about it. I'm too sleepy right now to be coherent excited about it, but some of the things I rambled on about when I called my mom Wednesday after the informational seminar were "direct meaningful application" "heaps and heaps of money" "offices in California" "twice the retention rate of their competitors" "management track available if you progress quickly through training" and "compensation during said training".
Also coming to mind right now is the phrase "my ticket out of here".
Also also is "I think I'm going to be okay." Which, you know, is something I think like, every two months, and then promptly forget, but hey. At least it's always a refreshing surprise when it pops up in my head again!

9) There isn't really a 9, but while I like 8 and it's one of those nice symmetrical even numbers that satisfies all manner of my OCD quirks, 9 has been neglected lately, and really, it's got that nice 3^2 thing going for it. And this just seemed like a list of 9. You know?
oceantheorem: (coffee life)
Things are going extremely well. Life is settling more and more now that quals are over, and I feel like I'm getting to be myself a bit again.

My date on Wednesday went extremely well, so I had another one on Saturday. Things are very very good at the moment, and I'm trying as hard as I can to just go with the flow and enjoy the happiness as long as it's choosing to keep sneaking up on me unexpectedly, as it's been doing for the last five days. The surprise smiles are the best kind--the ones where you find yourself looking at something mundane like a box of pipet tips and suddenly you're smiling about something that happened three days ago. The beginning stages of a relationship are a lot more fun than I remembered. I hope it keeps up like this.

Lab isn't going quite as swimmingly, so I'm starting over with my tagging AGAIN. So for most of today I'm just waiting for a PCR to run. I should really have started it last night so it would be ready this morning, but frankly I was just too lazy. Also, I had to pick up Em at the airport in Hartford, so I spent my evening driving instead of coming into lab.


Also, I completely failed at NaNoWriMo, predictably. I wrote not a single word. I think starting is going to be the hardest part for me. *sigh* Maybe next year. Maybe over Christmas break I'll write a short story or something. Maybe I should just focus on making myself write in my journals more often.

Or maybe I should stop writing and go do my homework. Blah.


Oct. 27th, 2007 02:41 am
oceantheorem: (gg R books)
I really, really, really wanted to do NaNoWriMo last year. I heard about it several years ago and have always thought it would be a lot of fun. Last year I promised myself that if I dropped out of graduate school, I'd do NaNoWriMo this year.

Well, obviously I haven't dropped out of graduate school (yet. hehe. *nervous laughter*). But I will be done with qualifying on the 9th (*more nervous laughter*). And I'll take the following week off. After that, yeah, I'll have to get back to lab and actually get some work done. And during that week off I'll probably do nothing but sleep, and maybe go to Maine with Ann. BUT.

I really, really, really want to do NaNoWriMo. I used to write a lot. I wrote tons of stories in middle school and high school, and even one or two in college. I always wanted to write a novel. Damnit, I want to write a novel! I have no idea what it would be about, but I know there's a novel inside me! There are probably fifteen novels inside me, and they're all running around, bumping into each other, and screaming to be written, and here I am in graduate school.

Well, crap. Should I make the attempt?

EDIT: Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Naysayers be damned.

EDIT 2: I dunno how this is gonna work, with school and climbing and knitting and reading (non-science) and having a social life and WoW. Oh well. If it fails, it fails. I will have made the attempt.
And damnit, if I drop out of graduate school, then next year I promise to make it all the way to 50000.
oceantheorem: (was lost now I live here)
I've been thinking a lot lately. This is probably a bad thing, and is likely a product of me not being in lab and class all day long. Luckily my normal hectic life resumes tomorrow, and I become a prisoner of science once again....

Before I get into all the thinkingness, I just wanted to mention that I had a really good spring break, despite being bitterly lonely for most of it. I don't know when I became a social creature; the transformation seems to have snuck up on me. I used to be so antisocial and so afraid of other people. It seems weird that these days I'm so dependent on the company of others. But I did have a good break, and the solitude allowed me to some things I hadn't been able to do in all the hubbub of grad school academic and social life. I watched The Chronicles of Narnia, which made me cry. Such a good movie.... I finished knitting the Cascade 220 bag I've been working on forever, and have learned 1) that it really does matter how long the cable is on circular needles and 2) you really can't felt something in the bathroom sink unless you're a lot more patient than I am. I shall have to bribe a friend with a washing machine. I've also read about half of the second book of the Bridei Chronicles, which I bought about a week ago. I love Juliet Marillier. Her books are amazing. They seem to take hold somewhere inside my heart and then proceed to pull out all of my most secret inner longings about love and life and honor and strength. Her stories speak to me in a strange way that most other stories don't. Then again, I cry at commercials, so maybe I'm giving her too much credit. But this book is amazing, and it makes me wish I had the first one here in Connecticut so I could read it again, since I don't remember most of the minor characters, and Ms. Marillier has a nasty way of making her sequels about minor characters instead of about major ones.
Also, I saw 300 on IMAX the other day, and it had a weird way of actually making me feel violent. Actually violent. I got into the bloodthirstiness of the Spartan killing tactic, and I WANTED the Persians to die. And when the Queen (all right, I won't say anything for those of you who haven't seen it; I don't want to spoil it) does that awesome thing she does, I relished the violence of the moment. It felt good. This led me to realize that I am, in fact, withholding a great deal of anger. This, again, is probably a bad thing. I think I need an outlet for all of this anger, or something really bad is gonna happen.


I've been thinking a lot about my life and what I want out of it. What I want to do with it, who I want to become, where I want to live, how I want to make my living. I listened to last week's This American Life last night, and they sang "California," and for some reason the song hit home in such a strong way that I actually stopped knitting so I could stare out my teeny tiny cell window. I felt like ice. I felt like I had this huge, momentous decision before me, and I knew the way I was supposed to choose, and I knew the way I would choose, and they were different. I'm supposed to go home to California and be something else, do something else, follow some other life path. But it's easier to take no action, to continue following a course already set out, and that's what I've chosen to do. Besides, what kind of other life would I lead? There seem to be so many options, and all of them are terrible, or at least depressingly difficult.

1) Stay here, follow current path, do postdoc in California, etc. Be geneticist.
2) Re-apply to grad schools this coming fall, transfer to UCSF, Berkeley, or Stanford. Be scientist.
3) Move to California (or, more realistically, Reno) and buy a flower shop. In Reno, I bet you anything I could talk my mom into helping me do this, because she tried to about three years ago, and would have succeeded if someone hadn't outbid her on the shop she was trying to buy.
4) Throw a ton of money at a really nice camera, and somehow fight my way into the realm of respectable photography. I could then either be a travel photographer (and writer, there's no way I could travel and not write), or photograph weird inner-city wildlife like deformed pigeons and tame rats. I have no idea where this idea came from, but my dark and twisty brain really likes it. Photography would be so much fun.
5) Re-apply to grad schools, except this time for marine biology. Like Woods Hole and Scripps. Be scientist. Study whales, like I planned in the second grade.
6) Stay here and work on PhD and write a novel. Publish novel, become horribly rich, drop out. Become writer.

Most of these options seem to be horribly flawed in at least one way. Several of them, I know, are completely inviolate (that's a word, right? too lazy to look it up).

In the end, I don't even know why I bother updating about this sort of thing. I know in my heart that, even if being here is utterly wrong for me, I'm too weak to take any action on that decision. I've made my choice in coming here, and am too terrified of being left alone and starving in the cold to leave my current career path. I have no money and so much debt as it is; how could I possibly end the only income I've ever had to throw myself at a dream that may turn out to fail horribly? Or that I may turn out to be bored with? Perhaps I underestimate myself, and I'd be bored to tears as a florist or photographer. I know that spring break is boring me to tears....

I can't help but wonder if all of this insanity and upheaval over HIM is because I'm really all insane and upheaved about ME. I think I'm projecting. I think my own life is a crazy mixed-up confusing mess right now, and I'm living something I'm not sure I believe in (haven't I always yelled at people who don't follow their dreams?), and I'm transferring all of that upsetness over to him so that I'll have something concrete to be frustrated at.

I'm angry. I want to throw things. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I'm mad at myself. I shouldn't have made the decision to come here, and once I did I should have given myself over to it completely. And since I haven't, I should make up my damn mind about what I want to do, and then I should have the balls to follow through with it and DO something about my misery. I'm so mad at my own unwillingness to help myself. That's a quality I despise in other people, and it makes me livid to see it in myself. AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHH.
oceantheorem: (dreams made flesh)
Ramblings )


oceantheorem: (Default)

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